Category: 1990s

Scorpio One (1998)

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ScorpioOneCoverJeff Speakman (The Perfect Weapon, Running Red) plays Jared Stone, the leader of a team of Army Rangers flying on the Space Shuttle up to the Scorpio One space station. But there’s a rotten apple or four among all the people on the Shuttle (there’s as many bad guys as good guys on the flight!) and it isn’t long before dudes are having their helmets unsealed accidentally, depressurized in an air lock accidentally, or cutting Stone’s air hose accidentally. Hey, these space flights are a risky business! I’ve seen that Apollo 13 movie, so I know!

When the bad guys finally reveal their hand and you realize who their leader is, you’ll have no choice but to watch the rest of the movie about a foot away from your TV while standing! Because facing off against low-budget American action film legend Jeff Speakman is low budget Italian action film legend Brent Huff! Continue reading “Scorpio One (1998)” →

Out for Blood (1992)

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Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Esq. It’s the sort of phrase that conjures up a variety of dream-like images. There’s the one where Don The Dragon is doing research using Westlaw and gets so excited to find a case on point that he karate chops his secretary through the office water cooler. You could also be excused if you imagine The Dragon objecting to some bit of damning testimony so vociferously that he actually splits the counsel table in half while pounding on it for emphasis! And then there’s all those billable hours for “kicking the shit out of hostile witness” and “ex parte beat down of trial judge.”

Considering the positively abominably silly possibilities of forcing The Dragon to actually practice law in a movie, Out For Blood does a good job of not really letting his occupation as attorney have anything to do with the movie. The Dragon’s legal beagle stuff is confined to him wearing a shirt and tie and eyeglasses while sitting in his office once or twice and asking for a case file. He also beats up two thugs at a courthouse. Continue reading “Out for Blood (1992)” →

Operation Golden Phoenix (1994)

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Jalal Merhi has been called the Lebanese Steven Seagal. Unfortunately, I was unsure whether this was coming from his supporters or detractors.

Though he isn’t the waddling mass of chins and jowels that modern era Steve has transformed into, Jalal certainly has my backing in his claim to be Steve’s Middle East-based successor. After all, Jalal is prone to standing around muttering lines without conviction in between even duller scenes that he’s not part of. That’s vintage Steve right there. In fact, I would say that Jalal is selling himself short in that he is also the Lebanese Jean-Claude Van Damme since I couldn’t understand half of what he was saying due to his accent. Continue reading “Operation Golden Phoenix (1994)” →

Mars (1997)

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This movie came maddeningly close to being a can’t miss entry in the whole “kickboxer busts up corrupt outer space mining colony” genre of films.

Olivier Gruner plays an emotionless mining cop who somehow gets almost emotionally involved in investigating his brother’s death. More importantly, he sports a pretty bad haircut (but not nearly as bad as the one in Savage) and throws his badge down on the ground after he finishes getting all sorts of vengeance on pretty much the entire population of Mars.

The mining company is up on Mars to mine Silex which is some kind of something that’s a really great source of fuel for all us greedy Earthlings. Like all miracle discoveries in science fiction though, Silex turns out to be decidedly un-miraclous. Continue reading “Mars (1997)” →

No Retreat, No Surrender 3: Blood Brothers (1990)

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No Retreat, No Surrender 3: Blood Brothers manages to sound like a tough bruising epic where a couple of guys are going to kick ass back to back against all comers! And this time, unlike in the first two NRNS films, they really, really mean it! And since I had never seen the first two and since this film never referenced the first two, I just had to believe that that’s what I was seeing on screen! For me it was basically, No Retreat, No Surrender: Blood Brothers! Notice how much better the movie got when you just ditched the 3?

And after a healthy dose of the Blood Brothers in action, I don’t even need to see the first two movies! Continue reading “No Retreat, No Surrender 3: Blood Brothers (1990)” →

No Tomorrow (1999)

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Did it really take until 1999 to make a movie where a rapper hijacked a combination flamethrower/rocket launcher from low budget action icon Frank Zagarino? Did it really take cinema 100 years or so before it was mature enough to handle a film with Zags, Gary Busey, Jeff Fahey, Pam Grier, and prolific British kickstud Gary Daniels? Some of you are surely questioning the wisdom of letting Master P direct such a classic conflagration of paycheck hungry workhorses. I would question the wisdom of NOT letting him do it!

Other than ex-special forces guys who know some off-brand kung fu, who knows the most about wanton violence and reckless cussing? Rappers! Those guys are always shooting each other, burning their houses down, stealing each other’s bling, and calling each other out in song with such a proficiency in profanity that it would make a pissed off drill sergeant envious! And for a company as bottom-line conscious as PM Entertainment, rappers are awesome because they provide their own weapons and wardrobe! Continue reading “No Tomorrow (1999)” →

Pocket Ninjas (1997)

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Pocket Ninjas DVD CoverPocket Ninjas is so awful it doesn’t even cut it as a fifth choice for a movie about three young douchebag ninjas after you’ve somehow plowed through all four 3 Ninja films. Without actually subjecting yourself to its seventy or so minute running time, it’s difficult to communicate the depth of its sustained failure.

Several times while enduring another of its endless and pointless training montages, I tried to remember why I even bought it, let alone continued to watch it. Then Gary Daniels would appear for a few minutes the Pocket Ninjas’s sensei and I sadly recalled that I was trying to fill in a gap in my project of watching the entirety of Gary’s filmography. That this project wasn’t suspended following a viewing of his space turd Spoiler will not reflect positively on me if I ever undergo a court ordered psychological evaluation. Continue reading “Pocket Ninjas (1997)” →