Category: 1990s

Psycho Cop Returns (1993)

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PsychoCopTwoCoverAs soon as you see Psycho Cop eating a donut in slow motion at the beginning of Psycho Cop Returns, you know the Psycho Cop series is on the way up after an initial outing that was by turns unrelentingly bad and blandly forgettable. The scene in the diner where Psycho Cop eavesdrops on a couple of office drones planning a bachelor party establishes that everything we loved about Psycho Cop (he’s a fat pig!) will remain, while ditching the dumb stuff (college kids on vacation at an isolated mansion), and adding a new and exciting nemesis to battle the evil fatty fuzz (strippers!).

Then, as if to confirm that this isn’t your slow-witted step-brother’s Psycho Cop, the opening credits play! It’s a rocking tune with police sirens as one of the instruments and the credits are interspersed with shots of Psycho Cop’s cop car. There’s all sorts of satanic symbols painted in blood in it! Body parts are freaking everywhere inside! I don’t even know how Psycho Cop had room to sit down in there! Especially with his fat ass! His license plate is even attached upside down! All of us strong Satanists recognize that as the ultimate salute to the Horned One! Continue reading “Psycho Cop Returns (1993)” →

Body Moves (1990)

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“We have to be awesome if we want to win!” Though rich brat Kevin is clearly a douche and though his dance moves are clearly cribbed from Vanilla Ice, he hits upon the very truth of what Body Moves, and by extension life, is all about.

Like some sort of toolish Knute Rockne whipping the boys into a Gipper-inspired frenzy at halftime of the big game, Kevin (or Kev-In as the license plates on his pansy red sports car read) reaches deep into the very shallow souls of his fellow dance team members to wring all the laughably spastic moves out of them that will be necessary to triumph over all comers! Continue reading “Body Moves (1990)” →

2103: The Deadly Wake (1997)

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A rather dull piece of cheese, the cinematic equivalent of a bland chunk of mass-market Colby, 2103: The Deadly Wake did manage to accomplish one remarkable feat that should provide food for thought for all true movie buffs.

It wasn’t the fact that despite being set in the future on a futuristic ship where a fetus in a tube full of green liquid operated all sorts important ship functions that the captain still had to use a steering wheel to make left turns and such. If it wasn’t for that, we wouldn’t have the scene in all great future boat movies where the crazy captain has to use a rope to tie the steering wheel in place while he went and did something crazy somewhere else. That’s precisely the sort of thing we want in our movies about ugly brown ships floating around aimlessly while shot through a headache-inducing ocher filter for no reason. Continue reading “2103: The Deadly Wake (1997)” →

A River Runs Through It (1992)

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ARiverRunsThroughItPosterBy the time narrator Robert Redford solemnly intoned the final line of this film, “I am haunted by waters,” I could do no more than to sit for some several minutes and attempt to catch my breath. My two hour journey through the lives, loves, and fishing trips of the Maclean family had left me drained, my very soul touched and changed at least six times during this movie. I learned so much not only about the meaning of living a full life, but about what it is to be a man. And a son. And a brother. And a father. And the value of a really good hair conditioner.

I knew I had learned something about myself after watching this because I realized that the secret to healthy man-to-man relationships within your family is sharing a love of fly fishing, preferably in the sun-drenched, painterly-photographed outdoors of Montana as imagined by the Sundance Kid himself. Continue reading “A River Runs Through It (1992)” →

Beyond Darkness (1990)

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If you’ve ever read the real estate section of your local paper, you’ve seen the ads: Great starter home! 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, attached garage, coven of zombie witches, excellent schools, $229,000. Built on the scene of a horrific witch burning centuries ago, this history-infused charmer has been retrofitted with central air and is wired for cable. Though thoroughly modern in its amenities, the gateway to hell located on the second floor still functions! Perfect for families with small children who are not too attached to old-world notions of souls!

It’s every family’s dream home to be sure, but it’s also the sort of home that’s a bit out of reach to most of us, whether it’s the high price tag, not enough bathrooms, or the fact that we’re sort of attached to our souls. Continue reading “Beyond Darkness (1990)” →

Shocking Dark (1990)

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Venice before the year 2000 is a beautiful city of canals, museums and other neat stuff. I’m guessing the Venice after 2000 is pretty much the same since I haven’t heard anything in the news about it sinking or anything. But what about the Venice of tomorrow? That Venice is a post-apocalyptic nightmare!

Closed off from the world, that Venice is a dead city, the entrance guarded by three guys in gas masks standing in front of a “do not enter” sign! What could have happened to the Venice of tomorrow that it turned from the city of lovers (or whatever it was) into the city of hazmat suits? It was something about seaweed choking out all the oxygen. Pretty much the usual end of the world stuff from the Italians. I’m sure it made sense to them. Continue reading “Shocking Dark (1990)” →

Night Killer (1990)

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We’ve all seen movies where the killer is someone close to the heroine that she never suspected. We’re also familiar with the red herrings thrown out to implicate the innocent. And the little kickers at the end of these horror movies that show the villain’s heinous activities aren’t over despite all evidence to the contrary? Well, we’d be shocked if there wasn’t a shock ending!

But Night Killer is going to use all these tired and horribly ineffective conventions as just the jumping off point! How do we know that? Because there is a moment in the movie where a woman says, “my grandma, what a big schlong you have!” Continue reading “Night Killer (1990)” →