As the bandages were slowly unfurled from the face of the mystery man at the beginning of The Killing Machine (aka The Killing Man), I was at once fearful and transfixed. Fearful of what hideous burned up visage waited to be unveiled, yet transfixed because I just had to know what the Killing Machine looked like! Would his face look like shredded hamburger? Would his charred skull peek through chunks of sizzled flesh? Would he need a really bad toupee like Claude Raines in The Invisible Man? Continue reading “The Killing Machine (1994)”
Category: 1990s
Open Fire (1994)
Elitist fancy pants action movie fans routinely dismiss Open Fire as merely “Die Hard in a chemical plant”. True scholars of the bargain bin late 1980s and 1990s direct to video action movie shelf fillers know that Open Fire is actually Deadly Outbreak but with a brown haired guy who kicks people in the face instead of a black haired guy doing it. Continue reading “Open Fire (1994)”
Last Man Standing (1995)
Last Man Standing is the sort of film featuring a martial arts “star” that makes you appreciate the magnetism of the bland Gary Daniels, the acting of the wooden Olivier Gruner or even the cinematic presence of the forgettable David Bradley.
As Detective Kurt Bellmore, Jeff Wincott (Martial Outlaw, Open Fire) doesn’t exactly set the screen on fire (unless you count his chain smoking throughout the film) with his expressionless face and even more frozen delivery. In fact, the most you’ll take away from the entire experience of him alternately destroying junkyards full of clunker cars in various freeway chases and shooting the endless punks who are apparently on the payroll of the evil bank robber Snake Underwood, is his unfortunate resemblance to comedian Tim Allen! Continue reading “Last Man Standing (1995)”
Hard Justice (1995)
Has justice ever been this hard? Possibly, but it sure has never used this much ammunition! Or hand grenades! Or stuff exploding! Or had David Bradley giving and receiving kicks to the face like they were some kind of bizarre prison handshake! Continue reading “Hard Justice (1995)”
Cyberjack (1995)
Nobody dies harder than the Dude! In the far flung future where such futuristic things as bad computer generated effects, cybernetic implants, and a professional baseball team named the Neptunes constantly breaks the Dude’s heart (and his face since he keeps betting on them and his bookie has run out of patience!) are a frighteningly reality, an even scarier reality awaits our future selves!
No, it’s not that the Dude uses duplicators to make it look like multiple Dudes are running everywhere in the building taken over by terrorists – that’s not even science fiction, it’s science awesome! What’s causing us to piss all over our flying transport bus seats is the emergence of the Cyberjack! Continue reading “Cyberjack (1995)”
Total Reality (1997)
Is it possible that a self-help book written by a guy who is such douche that he has to resort to stealing from his ex-wife’s IRA account could form the basis for an evil empire 200 years in the future?
And could this also cause all life on Earth to be wiped out and start a civil war that would cost 30 billion lives? And then lead to a battle for the fate of the future that reaches all the way back to the long forgotten primitive past of 1998 Oregon?
And most incredible of all, involve the replacement American Ninja David Bradley shooting everything up and making paper roses? It is not only possible, but it is Total Reality! Continue reading “Total Reality (1997)”
Counter Measures (1998)
Counter Measures is really the story of a man and his corkscrew. Michael Dudikoff (Black Horizon, Black Thunder) at first blush seems to be in your classic Die Hard on a submarine scenario, battling a bunch of terrorists, but then you realize it’s like Die Hard on sub with a corkscrew!
Besides the Dude, Corkscrew is the deadliest character on board the renegade Russian sub Odessa! It’s killing people, healing people and even opening booze bottles! Is there anything this little guy can’t do? Continue reading “Counter Measures (1998)”