One can forgive director Robert Clouse if he went into Ironheart thinking that it was going to be anything other than a wormy turd the size of one of star Bolo Yeung’s pecs. Clouse had previously made a kung fu movie starring a guy named Lee which some have called the greatest of all time. The movie was Enter The Dragon and that particular Lee was of course Bruce. This time around Lee’s first name is Britton. As in not-so-great Britton. Continue reading “Ironheart (1992)”
Category: Action
Cold Harvest (1999)
In a world where a comet has struck the Earth, the sun has been blotted out plunging the survivors into perpetual darkness! And if that wasn’t bad enough, a plague has also wiped out most everyone plunging the survivors into a state of near-barbarism! And if even that wasn’t bad enough, this nightmare world of multiple apocalyptic disasters has suffered the most sphincter-puckering development of all: Gary Daniels as twins! Continue reading “Cold Harvest (1999)”
The Capitol Conspiracy (1999)
A psychically super-powered Don “The Dragon” Wilson uses all his clairvoyant abilities to erase my whole memory of this movie!
Seriously, I would be watching this movie, mentally noting all the great things that were happening when all of a sudden, BAM! I couldn’t remember them anymore! It was almost as if the awesome things that must have occurred in The Capitol Conspiracy (also known as The Prophet) never happened at all! Continue reading “The Capitol Conspiracy (1999)”
Ninja: Shadow of a Tear (2013)
Here’s a tip for all you phony though thugs at the local evil dojo: when the gaijin with a dead look in his eye rolls into your little fight club, calmly removes his shoes and walks right up into a group of you demanding information, you better hope your Bronze Plan under the Affordable Care Act covers severe concussions, crushed windpipes, snapped arms, and ruptured spleens because you’re about to get a dose of all of it courtesy of that 21st century American Ninja, Casey Something or Other!
If you’re like me, when you heard that a sequel to Ninja was speeding toward you like one of the villains’ patented triple kicks, you were probably using all your ninja superpowers straining to recall exactly what movie Ninja was. White guy, ninja costume, maybe a sword and a broad involved in some fashion, sort of sucked, but not enough to really make you hate it? And it starred a guy who had dark hair, right? Continue reading “Ninja: Shadow of a Tear (2013)”
The Invincible Gladiators (1964)
The ancient world was unquestionably fraught with peril what with rampaging monsters, power-crazed kings, smelly barbarians, and sporadic shortages of bronzer which no doubt caused our humongous heroes no end of trouble and headaches.
Some muscular missions though were tougher than others. For instance, a subterranean kingdom populated by hundreds of leopard men and ruled by an evil sexy queen who enslaved regular guys sure sounds like it has all the makings of a 10.0 magnitude beefquake! And it does! Times two!
It’s understandable if you just juiced your jockstrap because all the stops are pulled out for the 24th of 25 Maciste films produced in the early 1960s! It’s an underground adventure so vast that it will take not one, but two Macistes to handle the deltoid-destroying duties! Continue reading “The Invincible Gladiators (1964)”
Split Second (1992)
The only Rutger Hauer movie to ever win the Nobel Peace Prize, Split Second serves as a wake up call to a sleepy and apparently really dirty Earth that we must change our ways! Rutger gives all the evidence the once over and shows us that global warming is no myth and the consequences are positively dire!
I know there’s been a lot of talk about climate change from whiny Third World countries and fat has-been liberal politicians who fly on private jets and own three mansions while telling me to use one square of toilet paper to do my business, but where the hell were they back in 1992 when Split Second and Rutger were all over the issue? Continue reading “Split Second (1992)”
Hawaii (1966)
Hawaii is the often boring and frequently turgid epic film adapted from James Michener’s novel of the same name. It tells the story of Christian missionary Abner Hale (Max Von Sydow) and his efforts to bring his fire and brimstone brand of Christianity to the “heathens” who are native to Hawaii. Along for the ride, constantly whining, is Julie Andrews. Gene Hackman also appears sporting epic muttonchops. Continue reading “Hawaii (1966)”