You can tell by checking out the crotch of the guy running around shooting and/or stabbing people whether your world has slipped into barbarism or not. If he’s just got some jeans on, you’re okay. He’s probably just some disenfranchised loner who hates women or the federal government. But if he’s wearing leather pants or worse, spandex drawers, with a codpiece attached to the outside of them, then you’ve gone and slipped into a world gone mad where the most prized possession is a fertile woman and the only rule is survival! Continue reading “The New Barbarians (1983)”
Category: Action
Into the Sun (2005)
Steven Seagal stabs a guy in the neck with some chopsticks. He rams a dude’s head into a series of pachinko machines. He throws a guy out of a window. He even chops a guy’s arm off with a sword. With that laundry list of lethalness that Steve lays down in this film, I’m not quite sure where all this hate for Seagal is coming from.
I don’t know about anyone else, but when I see a Seagal movie, I’m looking for him to mete out justice and/or vengeance as often and as flamboyantly as possible. And it’s not like Seagal is just some boring killing machine who can’t be touched. He even got kicked in the head in this one! Continue reading “Into the Sun (2005)”
The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak (1984)
Like Jane and the Lost City, this is another bottom of the barrel Indiana Jones rip-off based on a comic-strip featuring a heroine who gets into all kinds of outlandish and semi-nude situations. And while Jane and her PG rating never even tried to get naughty, Gwendoline actually attempts to deliver the dirty goods! And of course fails woefully. Continue reading “The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak (1984)”
Virus (1996)
Brian “The Boz” Bosworth plays a former college football star turned Secret Service agent who gets infected with a lethal biowarfare germ and has to outwit the evil chemical company whose hitmen are after him! To make matters worse, rogue elements of the United States government are in on it and want everything covered up! But that’s not the most terrible part of it all! Continue reading “Virus (1996)”
The Erotic Adventures of Zorro (1972)
Who was that masked man with the hairy lower back? That would be Don Diego de Vega, otherwise known as Zorro and I think that after seeing this movie, if Zorro was a real person, he would never reveal his secret identity more out of sheer embarrassment than out of any need to protect himself.
Producer David F. Friedman has previously tormented us with his yucky sex comedies in such varied vehicles of vulgarity as The Head Mistress, The Notorious Daughter Of Fanny Hill, and Trader Hornee.
In all of the films, low production values and lame humor share the stage with actors who seem almost relieved when it comes time for them to lose their clothes, roll around with one of their ugly co-stars and stop having to remember their lines. The Erotic Adventures Of Zorro, at 102 minutes, takes advantage of this format to its fullest and manages to showcase several lethargic bumping and grinding scenes to no good effect. Continue reading “The Erotic Adventures of Zorro (1972)”
Strike Commando (1987)
Frequently when I’m at one of those Strike Commando conventions they hold a couple of times a year, I hear other fans debating which was their favorite Rebbo moment. For some it was when he fought the big Russian to the death. For others, it was when he fought the big Russian to the death a second time.
Still, you have your holdouts that maintain it was when Rebbo (Yor, the Hunter from The Future‘s Reb Brown) burst forth from the water in super slo-mo, screaming and big gun blazing. There’s also a school of thought that when Rebbo was running along the rice fields in super slo-mo, screaming while rockets and bombs exploded around him was perhaps the finest display of Rebbo mayhem in his 100 minute long tour of duty. Continue reading “Strike Commando (1987)”
Fist of the North Star (1995)
North Star should never fight Southern Cross! It was a mantra repeated throughout this, the most PUBAR (pumped up beyond all recognition) of all post-apocalyptic Gary Daniels (Heatseeker, Pocket Ninjas) flicks.
Beyond the fact that I didn’t have the faintest idea what anyone was talking about though I guess it sort of made sense that a star shouldn’t fight an entire constellation, every time either Gary or his mentor, the surely embarrassed Malcolm McDowell, earnestly uttered this cryptic bit of philosophy, I became more and more convinced that if North Star ever did throw down with Southern Cross that it would be a punch-apocalyptic mess of kicks, grunts, and broken stuff! Continue reading “Fist of the North Star (1995)”