If you have any education at all, you know that this movie is based on a novel about twins written back in 1845 by Alexandre Dumas. Since this is one of those hundred-plus year old books and is French, it is a classic. This means that you were assigned to read the thing in school, but didn’t, content to rely on the smart kid with atrocious breath to fill you in on the details. Continue reading “The Corsican Brothers (1941)”
Category: Adventure
Sinbad of the Seven Seas (1989)
The last of the four movies made by that trinity of trash consisting of Cannon Films, the Italians, and Lou Ferrigno, Sinbad of the Seven Seas allows Lou to flex his acting chops as well as his basketball-sized pecs since there’s a scene where he has to act like he’s seduced by an Amazon.
As he awkwardly lays on her in a clinch, you can almost believe that when Lou’s dubbed voice says “gosh, you’re beautiful” that Lou’s lips also were mouthing the same words! And for just a moment, I firmly believed that Sinbad, Manbeef of the Sassy Seas wasn’t completely repulsed by touching female flesh! Continue reading “Sinbad of the Seven Seas (1989)”
The Adventures of Hercules II (1985)
This is pretty much the same movie as the first Cannon Films Hercules movie with Lou Ferrigno. Except that it’s worse. Which means it is better. Such are the paradoxes of an ancient world inhabited by petty gods, improbably pumped up muscle studs, and increasingly awful special effects.
It is also a world that honors its past. And by that I mean that the first seven minutes of this movie were merely clips from the first movie inserted between the various opening credits. But we’re here for sweat-drenched man deeds of glory so it’s all good, right? Continue reading “The Adventures of Hercules II (1985)”
Hercules (1983)
Child of the most unholy union of them all, its father being Chuck Norris 1980s action studio Cannon Films, its mother being Italian director Luigi Cozzi, and its costume designer being previously employed on 2019: After The Fall Of New York, Hercules stands as a monument to Italian-American cinema cooperation and proves the old adage that what Cannon Films and Italian trash directors can do horribly on their own, they can do even worse together! Continue reading “Hercules (1983)”
The Master of Ballantrae (1953)
Did you know that Errol Flynn had a seedier, puffier, older brother also named Errol? Me neither, but he tried to follow in his more glamorous and roguish brother’s footsteps by starring in a movie about Scottish dudes getting worn out by the British Empire and turning tail and becoming pirates in beautiful Tortuga Bay. Oh wait – that was Errol Flynn in this movie! Continue reading “The Master of Ballantrae (1953)”
Zorikan the Barbarian (1964)
Though Zorikan sounds like some sort of rodenticide, he’s actually the best thing in an otherwise dreary heap of curdled Italian cheese.
Veteran sword and sandal pro Don Vadis (Spartacus and the Ten Gladiators, The Seven Magnificent Gladiators) scowls, sneers, chortles and tortures his way through a story involving a stolen religious relic which unwisely focuses on people walking, riding horses, sitting in tents, and talking about either stealing or recovering said relic. All that being said, Zorikan did have a really nice tent. Very spacious, well decorated and equipped with a bed. He may have been a low down heathen Saracen, but when he went invading, dude did it in style! Continue reading “Zorikan the Barbarian (1964)”
Journey Beneath the Desert (1961)
We’ve all admired director Edward G. Ulmer’s ability to make decent little movies like Detour and The Man From Planet X with nothing beyond a camera and a few actors. He had an uncanny ability to elicit an atmosphere and a look with these movies that belie their abbreviated shooting time and their even more abbreviated budget, so I was intrigued to see how his Journey Beneath the Desert would turn out. Could Ulmer finally be the guy to deliver on the promise of all those “lost races under the earth ruled by sexy broads” movies that inevitably disappointed? Continue reading “Journey Beneath the Desert (1961)”