Final Mission (1984)

Seargent Vince Deacon has been on a lot of missions, from the secret dirty little war he was fighting in Laos in 1972 to the war on the streets of a scuzzy early 1980s Los Angeles as the guy on the SWAT team voted “Most Likely to Have PTSD” to the home invasion he has to fight off when he’s just trying to get a little off duty booty from his wife!

All those are pretty awesome missions, no doubt about it. How can you possible top a mission where you fought your traitor buddy hand to hand while huts were exploding all around you? Or when you rode on top of a squad car, leaping off of it onto a fire escape and then blasted your way through some scumbag gang so awesomely that you were interviewed on the news about it? Or when you’re in the middle of giving your wife an orgasm and you have to pull out to snap the necks of a bunch of punks who are breaking into your house? Continue reading “Final Mission (1984)”

Fast Gun (1988)

Fast Gun is really a movie about trust. No, not whether we trust Sheriff Jack Steiger (Fast Gun himself) to put his haunted past behind him (he got his partner killed back in L.A.) so that when the chips are down, he’ll redeem himself and not get his trusty Deputy, Cowboy, killed. (Which is fortunate as Fast Gun does let Cowboy get killed.) No, the trust I am referring to is the trust we put in director Cirio H. Santiago to deliver on the complete lack of promise exhibited by the entirety of Fast Gun. Continue reading “Fast Gun (1988)”

Stranglehold (1994)

StrangleholdCoverA madman has seized control of Malaysia’s newest chemical plant! His team of terrorists control thousands of gallons of the deadliest nerve gas ever created! Their demands are simple – millions of dollars or a hostage will be killed once per hour, culminating in the execution of this big haired blonde congresswoman bimbo from Ohio they have kidnapped!

Who can break this stranglehold they have on our freedom and safety? A special forces team is being assembled, but they’re all the way over in freaking Thailand! If only there was someone on the scene with the weapons and tactics training! Someone with lethal kickboxing skills! Someone with a dinky little pony tail! Continue reading “Stranglehold (1994)”

When Eagles Strike (2003)

When Eagles Strike DVD CoverIt may take awhile, like almost the whole movie, but guess what happens once eagles finally strike? They leave a terrorist sized stain of freedom all over the Malaysian island where a U.S. Senator has been kidnapped and held hostage! And lots of huts blow up! When will those dudes in southeast Asia get the memo that building their huts with gasoline soaked reeds is just asking to have it blown sky high by pissed off American GIs looking for payback! Continue reading “When Eagles Strike (2003)”

Raiders of the Sun (1992)

Raiders of the Sun DVD CoverAfter the end of the civilized world, the survivors must start a new way of life! A way of life that involves driving cars with spikes welded on them! A way of life that sees them dressed in black shoulder pads and football helmets! A way of life that forces them to conduct almost all their action inside an abandoned quarry! And most frightening of all, a way of life where the midget population positively explodes! Continue reading “Raiders of the Sun (1992)”

Equalizer 2000 (1987)

When I was watching Equalizer 2000 and reveled in its non-stop shooting, explosions, and guys getting set on fire, I was like “fudge! I think I just died and went to heaven!” And you know what? I was fudging right! Because my heaven is a post-apocalyptic wasteland where dudes in shoulder pads and helmets drive beat up old cars with spikes welded onto the hoods! Because I know my God is a smooth-chested stud dressed in leather who doesn’t say a hell of a lot unless you count his massive gun belching death at evildoers as conversation! Because in heaven, there’s about one chick there and its Corinne Wahl! Continue reading “Equalizer 2000 (1987)”

Stryker (1983)

Stryker PosterStryker is the best post-apocalyptic movie not featuring Richard Norton (Equalizer 2000) that Cirio H. Santiago ever made! Like Dune Warriors (another post-apocalyptic film Cirio made without Norton), Stryker is all about a wasteland (surely the same Filipino rock quarry all of Cirio’s Mad Max rip-off movies are shot in) where water is scarce and bands of dirtbags in tricked out battle cars cruise around killing villagers they think have it. Compared to Stryker though, Dune Warriors comes off like the amateur hour and 15 minutes that it is, lacking the backstory, the strong central characters, and the pathos Stryker is blessed with! Continue reading “Stryker (1983)”