A psychically super-powered Don “The Dragon” Wilson uses all his clairvoyant abilities to erase my whole memory of this movie!
Seriously, I would be watching this movie, mentally noting all the great things that were happening when all of a sudden, BAM! I couldn’t remember them anymore! It was almost as if the awesome things that must have occurred in The Capitol Conspiracy (also known as The Prophet) never happened at all! Continue reading “The Capitol Conspiracy (1999)”
Here’s a tip for all you phony though thugs at the local evil dojo: when the gaijin with a dead look in his eye rolls into your little fight club, calmly removes his shoes and walks right up into a group of you demanding information, you better hope your Bronze Plan under the Affordable Care Act covers severe concussions, crushed windpipes, snapped arms, and ruptured spleens because you’re about to get a dose of all of it courtesy of that 21st century American Ninja, Casey Something or Other!
If you’re like me, when you heard that a sequel to Ninja was speeding toward you like one of the villains’ patented triple kicks, you were probably using all your ninja superpowers straining to recall exactly what movie Ninja was. White guy, ninja costume, maybe a sword and a broad involved in some fashion, sort of sucked, but not enough to really make you hate it? And it starred a guy who had dark hair, right? Continue reading “Ninja: Shadow of a Tear (2013)”
Steven Seagal stabs a guy in the neck with some chopsticks. He rams a dude’s head into a series of pachinko machines. He throws a guy out of a window. He even chops a guy’s arm off with a sword. With that laundry list of lethalness that Steve lays down in this film, I’m not quite sure where all this hate for Seagal is coming from.
I don’t know about anyone else, but when I see a Seagal movie, I’m looking for him to mete out justice and/or vengeance as often and as flamboyantly as possible. And it’s not like Seagal is just some boring killing machine who can’t be touched. He even got kicked in the head in this one! Continue reading “Into the Sun (2005)”
North Star should never fight Southern Cross! It was a mantra repeated throughout this, the most PUBAR (pumped up beyond all recognition) of all post-apocalyptic Gary Daniels (Heatseeker, Pocket Ninjas) flicks.
Beyond the fact that I didn’t have the faintest idea what anyone was talking about though I guess it sort of made sense that a star shouldn’t fight an entire constellation, every time either Gary or his mentor, the surely embarrassed Malcolm McDowell, earnestly uttered this cryptic bit of philosophy, I became more and more convinced that if North Star ever did throw down with Southern Cross that it would be a punch-apocalyptic mess of kicks, grunts, and broken stuff! Continue reading “Fist of the North Star (1995)”
When was it during The Expert that I realized I was watching the “Most Underrated Jeff Speakman Movie I Only Vaguely Remember Hearing About When It Came Out?” Was it when Speakman took his date to the museum with the giant statute of a woman who represented justice or liberty or whatever and proclaimed that he came for the solitude? Or was it when the warden of a prison proudly announced to the gathered media that he had catered that night’s execution? Surely, it had to be that time when Speakman was run over by a car in an alley behind a bar and then proceeded to beat the holy hell out of the four guys inside of it – all while rocking a kick ass jean jacket! Continue reading “The Expert (1995)”
Jeff Speakman was the best super cop L.A. had ever seen. Graduated at the top of his class, special commendations from the mayor, key to the city, employee of the month, etc. But it all changed that fateful day while working a hostage situation where some crudbum psycho is holding a little girl at gunpoint threatening to blow her frigging head off. Jeff tries to talk him down, but some pud cop behind Jeff spooks the guy and he blasts the little girl’s melon clean off right in front of Jeff! Then he shoots Jeff, too! There goes that sweet parking space for being employee of the month! Continue reading “Street Knight (1993)”
The Perfect Weapon? The Perfect Speakman is more like it! This first film in the Jeff Speakman mythos (Street Knight is next) details his secret origin as Kenpo bad ass supreme and never lets up until Snap’s “I’ve Got The Power” plays as Jeff returns to Master Lo’s Kenpo Dojo to meet up with his lady, Jennifer! Apparently there are TV versions of the movie where Jeff actually interacts with Jennifer instead of staring wistfully at her from across the street earlier on in the story, but the TV versions are clearly for pussies!
With only 85 minutes to play with, this lightning quick kung fu chop to the nads of a movie had to make the choice to detail Jeff’s secret pole vaulting powers or the romance with Jenny. And just how is karate kicking his way into Jenny’s pants going to get him up and over the razor wire fence down at the docks during his quest for vengeance? Exactly. Continue reading “The Perfect Weapon (1991)”
