“Let me tell you something. You read my fucking lips. I will never sign anything or admit to anything…that would slander my name, my God, or my country. You understand me? I loathe you. I despise everything you stand for. You’re a low life pathetic, drug-dealing, greedy, Petrovian piece of dog shit. That’s what I think of you. So if you have anything to say to me, say it right to my nuts.”

Captain Ben “Woodchopper” Garret does a great job of laying out what United States foreign policy ought to be with those words, words that are basically the twenty-first century version of our Declaration of Independence.

Garret has been held prisoner for weeks by the scumbag narcoterrorist Ivan. He’s been punched, kicked, beaten with metal bars, and even had a taser applied to his aforementioned nuts. Ivan’s greasy-haired henchman, Chicago, is trying to force Garret to sign some piece of propaganda buttwipe saying Garret committed war crimes or whatever, and Garret tells him what every single American better tell him in that situation. Continue reading “Air Strike (2004)” →

The U.S. Seals trilogy ends the only way it possibly could – with the coming of Stormbringer! In two glorious previous films, the Seals battled an old guy who threatened world security with boring rhetoric (U.S. Seals) and an island of bad guys full of super special gas that prevented the use of bullets and thus necessitated the use of swords, blow guns, and kickfighting (U.S. Seals II). All of that though was a lazy summer day at Pollyanna’s tea party compared to the mission to recover Stormbringer!

Though Stormbringer sounds like the name of Odin’s sword, it was actually something far more deadly, powerful, and scary than some wimpy has-been God’s weapon of vengeance! It was an old Russian bomb with SIX warheads! That means you’re pretty much getting U.S Seals 6 for the price of U.S. Seals 3! Continue reading “U.S. Seals: Dead or Alive (2002)” →

U.S. Seals is one of those great concepts hampered by a pleasingly generic story and strictly competent execution.

A Navy Seal unit battles terrorist pirates all across the globe in an effort first to shut down these dirtbags and their thieving, murderous ways, but only really getting revved up to kick ass once the head Navy Seal’s wife gets herself blown up due to a car bomb that also left the Seal’s only son injured!

That’s plenty in and of itself to get any American who supports the troops, their wives and little kids pumped up enough to watch this with no questions asked. That this is another Nu Image Films release (see also Air Strike and Special Forces) where they were able to apparently rent out the Bulgarian Navy for a day or two so that a helicopter and a few other pieces of equipment could be used is pretty much all the further endorsement anybody needs. It also demonstrates how wise it was to let Bulgaria join NATO. Continue reading “U.S. Seals (2000)” →

Brett Prescott has great hair, gleaming white teeth, and a pregnant wife back in the United States. In short, he’s the best of all that’s really rad about America.

He’s also ex-special forces and currently an air marshal charged with making sure the friendly skies stay that way. Unless, you’re an Islamofacist looking to make a name for yourself by terrorizing the passengers of an air plane. Then Brett Prescott goes to work making sure that little things like getting whacked in the back with an ax don’t slow him down from doing stuff like avoiding missiles and cruise ships at the last possible instant. Continue reading “Air Marshal (2003)” →