Air Strike (2004)

“Let me tell you something. You read my fucking lips. I will never sign anything or admit to anything…that would slander my name, my God, or my country. You understand me? I loathe you. I despise everything you stand for. You’re a low life pathetic, drug-dealing, greedy, Petrovian piece of dog shit. That’s what I think of you. So if you have anything to say to me, say it right to my nuts.”

Captain Ben “Woodchopper” Garret does a great job of laying out what United States foreign policy ought to be with those words, words that are basically the twenty-first century version of our Declaration of Independence.

Garret has been held prisoner for weeks by the scumbag narcoterrorist Ivan. He’s been punched, kicked, beaten with metal bars, and even had a taser applied to his aforementioned nuts. Ivan’s greasy-haired henchman, Chicago, is trying to force Garret to sign some piece of propaganda buttwipe saying Garret committed war crimes or whatever, and Garret tells him what every single American better tell him in that situation.

But what is a bunch of super bad ass talk if you can’t back it up? Here’s the deal about us Americans that you Euro Socialists, Third Worlders, and Democrats don’t understand – when we start giving you the dire, snarling, sneering warnings and inovke God, country, and family, you either better back the freak down or expect that in about ten minutes, your surviving heirs are going to be fighting over which one of them gets possession of your blown up compound.

Chicago tells Ivan that Captain Garret said “nuts” to his command to sign the confession and Ivan runs out there to cut Garret’s balls off! Both Ivan and Chicago go into Garret’s cage and Garret cleans the floor with his Don’t Tread On My Nuts brand of kung fu! And this after weeks of being tortured!

Air Strike 1

Let me tell you something about us guys who love our country and our nuts. No matter the odds. No matter our physical condition. We will stay alive until we see our opening and then strike like the bald eagle strikes whatever it is that it likes to beat the piss out of!

And whereas anyone else from some other lesser country would escape and haul ass back to safety, once Garret escapes, it’s just the beginning of his mission to run around Ivan’s camp and destroy every piece of equipment and kill every one of Ivan’s men!

Sucking down a bunch of water, eating some bread he got off a guy he killed, and changing into black combat gear, Garret lets his Texas-sized nuts do all the talking!

The warehouse with all the military trucks stored in it? Dowsed in gas and lit up with a Cuban cigar he ripped from a guy he also killed earlier! The explosion was so mammoth, I think it’s still going on!

But Garret also manages to shoot his way into the bunker housing the millions of dollars that Ivan’s stolen! One wad of C4 later and it’s raining cash! Same goes for the shed with all cocaine!

Air Strike 2

Mission accomplished, right? What is your malfunction, private? Garret was just waking up the neighbors! Have you forgotten the solemn oath he swore after Perez was killed when Ivan had the Officer’s Club bombed?

In front of the entire squadron, after reading a letter that Perez had written to his mother, he placed his hand on Perez’s flag-draped casket and said, “as God as my witness…I will make Ivan pay. He’ll fry for this. I swear it on my life.”

This explains why he’s shaking off his helicopter pilot girlfriend’s radio call for him to be extracted and why he ditches his guns once the ammo runs out, picking up a machete to cut through enemy dirtbags like some sort of U.S. Army version of Jason Vorhees!

I will leave the pleasure of discovering just what happens to Chicago and Ivan for the first-time viewer to savor as it happens. As it is, a few words needs to be said about just how we got to the point that Garret was playing hack and slash with a bunch of Bulgarian extras.

Like all our really great heroes, Garret has actually quit the Army and retired to his log cabin in Minnesota, where he spends his days chopping wood. When his old CO shows up and asks him to rejoin the squadron, Garret refuses. Until he finds out that his brother has been killed!

Air Strike 4

But the squadron has lost some other patriots in their most recent battle with Ivan, so Charlie comes to replace one of them. But Charlie turns out to a hot blonde chick! And she freezes up during a big helicopter attack!

After a pep talk from Garret (hot babes always deserve pep talks instead of the court martial some normal grunt would get!), she reveals that Ivan killed her brother, too! It’s really no surprise then that when Garret has to go on a dangerous, suicide scout mission to Ivan’s stronghold that they fall in love and he gets a big sloppy kiss before he leaves. Take that Ivan! Our brothers are avenged!

Air Strike is easily the equal to another of its American Heroes series brothers, Special Forces, displaying the courage of a few American actors and a whole bunch of foreign guys playing Americans as they battle ugly guys with uglier accents.

Ivan and Garret’s crew spend the movie exchanging explosions and kills that any American can be proud of. Some people have apparently been put off by the enthusiasm displayed by the helicopter crew at the end of the movie when they are chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!” while America The Beautiful plays in the background. Well, if those treasonous skunks have anything to say about that, they can say it right to my freaking nuts!

© 2013 MonsterHunter

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