How did I know that Steven Seagal‘s Jake Hopper is the most coolly professional of all ex-CIA kick fu bad asses infesting Thailand? Was it because when he was informed that his daughter was kidnapped that his trademark catatonic squint never even wavered or threatened to slip into an indifferent squint? Was it because when his old friend betrayed him and was about kill him, Seagal’s response was “you’re just a trailer park bitch.”
Or maybe it was that when he was arrested after killing half of Thailand at a shoot out in a train yard, he resisted arrest by beating up the entire police station. But it also certainly could have been when he killed his old buddy after debating whether to kill him with his partner and Seagal practically yawned saying “he sealed his own fate” and then used every ounce of energy in his mountainous torso to almost shrug. Continue reading “Belly of the Beast (2003)”
Are you tired of gearing up for your bi-monthly dose of Steven Seagal straight-to-video action movie mayhem only to find it an ugly, muddled mess about Steve being an ex-CIA agent who is forced to wreck a foreign country (which one depends on what country is offering tax incentives to shoot the film there) while dispatching various thugs, arms dealers, drug pushers, and rogue military elements as quickly as possible? With all the rapid fire headshots, neck snappings and stabbings, it’s like Steve is being forced by the ACLU or the Humane Society to put these guys out of their misery with a minimum of deadly force. It’s something akin to hiring Vincent Van Gogh to paint your house beige. Continue reading “Kill Switch (2008)”
The Golden Triangle. The Chinese military. The Russian mafia. A corrupt small town police force. Dump them all into the patented Low Budget Action Movie Steve-O-Matic and what slides out as easily as a bloated up action star’s all you can eat on-set catering fueled stool is A Dangerous Man! Continue reading “A Dangerous Man (2009)”
“Listen brother, if I get back in, a thousand motherfuckers are going to die.” So begins Steven Seagal‘s involvment in yet another convoluted mission the CIA needs him to handle. It’s all off the books of course though I am never sure how anything a guy with his weird hair, odd fashion sense and distinctive orange tinted prescription eyeglasses does could ever be off the books. And if it all ends up being several hundred dead motherfuckers short of Seagal’s earlier promise, I feel pretty good about taking an IOU from him since Contract to Kill was his seventh film of 2016. Continue reading “Contract to Kill (2016)”
When Steven Seagal is berating Luke Goss for not being entirely forthcoming with mission details and says “I was not born on a fucking turnip truck, man. And I was not born at night. I was born in a bright fucking sunny day, man” he appears to be convinced that what he is saying is making sense, despite his dialogue being a jumble of messed up idioms and forced curse words.
And he is also likewise very convincing when during the only stunts he does himself (walking up some stairs), he has to grab the handrail for support. I was never fearful for big Steve’s health during these scenes though because director Keoni Waxman has worked with him enough times (Absolution, A Good Man, The Keeper) to know to call “cut” immediately after each stair. Continue reading “Killing Salazar (2016)”
Steven Seagal is a ghost. No, I don’t mean the ethereal kind that’s difficult to see. It’s hard to imagine him waddling down the street with his goofy black ensembles and strange glasses with the orange-colored lens he insists on wearing in all his movies now and not be spotted a mile away.
He’s a ghost in the intelligence community sense that he isn’t supposed to exist. He even tells his police department buddy that he’s supposed to be undercover and when his pal wants to know what he’s doing undercover, Steve rightly responds that it wouldn’t be much of an undercover gig if he went and told him.
But he not only intervenes and kills a stripper’s boyfriend when he’s abusing her, but also just sits around at an outdoor Parisian cafe the next day waiting for her and agreeing to her greedy scheme to steal her dead boyfriend’s drug money. It’s really the sort of thing that makes zero sense anywhere except in a Steven Segal movie, where you would be shocked if it didn’t happen. Continue reading “End of a Gun (2016)”
It’s a dystopian world where our worst fears have come horribly true! An all seeing state where the government monitors your every move! Where people who dare to question the state are hunted down and ruthlessly killed! Where twenty-four hours a day, government propaganda is beamed into every home and street corner via the state-controlled media! But so what? We already put up with such an overreaching government already! This is a future though that is a million times worse! Where one man controls everything and that one man is Steven Seagal! Nightmarish indeed! Continue reading “The Perfect Weapon (2016)”