“No joy! No joy!” a desperate Ghost radios to the drone operators about to rain Hellfire missiles down on a terrorist hideout! The evil Islamic bad guy, code named Abu Normal, is using human shields!

But even after Ghost terminates Abu, the drone fires! Ghost grabs a nearby child and dives out of the way of the incoming missile causing engineers at Lockheed Martin to no doubt wonder what sort of superhuman could have avoided certain death at the hands of their $110,000 per unit airborne assassin! Continue reading “A Good Man (2014)” →

Director Michael Keusch brings out the best in Steven Seagal. He got Steve to stab a bunch of folks in Attack Force and in Shadow Man he somehow convinces Steve not to rock his long black leather trenchcoat until the last third of the movie thus keeping the fanbase riveted to all the mayhem wreaked in budget-friendly Romania. Continue reading “Shadow Man (2006)” →

Steven Seagal stabs a guy in the neck with some chopsticks. He rams a dude’s head into a series of pachinko machines. He throws a guy out of a window. He even chops a guy’s arm off with a sword. With that laundry list of lethalness that Steve lays down in this film, I’m not quite sure where all this hate for Seagal is coming from.

I don’t know about anyone else, but when I see a Seagal movie, I’m looking for him to mete out justice and/or vengeance as often and as flamboyantly as possible. And it’s not like Seagal is just some boring killing machine who can’t be touched. He even got kicked in the head in this one! Continue reading “Into the Sun (2005)” →

Anymore these days, you’ll hear a lot of fair weather Seagal fans complaining about their supposedly fallen idol. He doesn’t hardly do any of his own fight scenes anymore! He’s too lazy to dub some of his own lines! He’s a big fat pig in a long trench coat! His straight to video movies make one long for the originality and artistry of Jean Claude Van Damme’s straight to video movies! His stringy pony-tail is nasty! Sure, when you decide to be nick picky like that, you’re going to find faults with just about anyone.

I’m not about to waste valuable review space defending the Man against the Seagalaholics who have fallen off the wagon – movies like Today You Die can do it much more effectively. Continue reading “Today You Die (2005)” →

There’s an outbreak in the mountains of Montana! An outbreak of Seagal! Steven Seagal plays the tan and puffy Dr. Wesley McClaren, a local doctor who specializes in homeopathic remedies and doesn’t mind trading his services with townspeople who can’t afford his quack treatments for the odd job around the office like fixing his cabinets.

It’s really only a token gesture on Seagal’s part since the old timer who’s going to fix his cabinets will likely be dead of kidney failure since he’s using Seagal’s patented diet and vitamin regimen instead of going to those big city doctors who want to put him on dialysis. Of course nowadays, the old fart could just knock back a six pack of Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink and be fixed right up. Continue reading “The Patriot (1998)” →