Journey to the Seventh Planet (1962)

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With Journey to the Seventh Planet, we are in the far flung past of 2001 where everything is just peachy now that the United Nations runs the world. So now that this socialist paradise has finally been forced upon us, what do they squander all our precious resources on? A manned mission to explore Uranus!

Studiously avoiding all the rectal humor such a movie inevitably provides (everyone seems to conscientiously pronounce the seventh planet as You-Ron-Us), the idea that we would need to send a spaceship out there to check for life is only slightly less ridiculous than the idea that we would send a crew made up of ugly Scandinavians and an aging John Agar who doesn’t seem to really believe that he got tricked into appearing in this. Continue reading “Journey to the Seventh Planet (1962)” →

It! The Terror from Beyond Space (1958)

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The year is the far flung future of 1973. It’s a bizarre future where people don’t have muttonchop sideburns, drive AMC Gremlins or say stuff like “you dig.” In fact, this future looks like the black and white world of the late 1950s where taking a trip into space meant smoking Lucky Strikes in the rocket, putting shiny goop in your hair and having the lady astronauts clear the dinner table and serve you coffee. (Is this a rocket ship or a Denny’s?) Continue reading “It! The Terror from Beyond Space (1958)” →

War of the Colossal Beast (1958)

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War of the Colossal Beast PosterIt’s the most chilling, diabolical scheme of terror ever conceived by a movie monster! The great food trucks of Mexico are being mercilessly hijacked and their contents eaten! Native youths employed by cunning foreigners are left in a state of shock! Cunning foreigners seeking to take advantage of cheap labor are left with bars and restaurants without chips and salsa! And somewhere in Los Angeles, a woman who refuses to believe her brother died at the end of The Amazing Colossal Man may hold the key to unraveling this tastiest of all mysteries! Continue reading “War of the Colossal Beast (1958)” →

Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow (1959)

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Would it be a really lazy gimmick if I tried to be funny by appropriating the overbaked hipster slang the hot rodding kids used in this film and declared it to be “the ginchiest?”

Sure, I’ve always been one to take my crate out and race for pink slips, but these hot chewers were the mostest!

Lest, you think I’m exaggerating the lengths this movie went to get inside the head of modern (well, 1959 modern that is) kids who love to make poker runs in their tricked out muscle sleds, the movie finishes with these words on the screen: The Endest Man. Continue reading “Ghost of Dragstrip Hollow (1959)” →

How to Make a Monster (1958)

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They are the greatest (teenage) monsters in the history of the silver screen. They’ve appeared in countless (one each) classic thrillers. They launched the careers of some of the biggest names in show business history (Michael Landon and some other guys you’ve never heard of). And now, after years (well – one year) in the making these classic monsters finally clash in the greatest, no holds barred, monster mash up ever filmed! (Okay, they never actually fight each other, but they do talk with one another out of make up!)

How To Make A Monster taunts us with the promise that all those Universal monster team-up movies like House of Frankenstein and House of Dracula delivered, but what this one ultimately delivers is a murder melodrama headlined not by teenaged terrors, but by a disgruntled movie studio employee! Continue reading “How to Make a Monster (1958)” →

I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (1957)

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Could someone get Teenage Frankenstein some antiperspirant? It isn’t bad enough that he’s made out of smelly, rotted body parts, but the dude’s got Frisbees as well!

Surely if Dr. Frankenstein was smart enough to play God and get his teenage protege up and around, he could at least provide him with the most rudimentary of personal hygiene equipment. After all, you wouldn’t let your Teenage Frankenstein wipe his reanimated ass with his recently stitched on hand would you? Then how could you let him stink the joint up when he’s out strangling hussies? All the police have to do is follow the B.O. back to your secret lab! Continue reading “I Was a Teenage Frankenstein (1957)” →

I Was a Teenage Werewolf (1957)

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I Was A Teenage Werewolf never explains why poor old Tony is dispatched with wimpy police issue bullets. And if you think that I just laid a real smelly dog turd of a spoiler on your front lawn there, try to remember that a teenage werewolf whose transformations are triggered by the school bell probably isn’t a prime candidate to reach old age, even in dog years! I mean that sucker is going to be growing fangs and eating teachers and students about what – 14 or 15 times a day? Someone is bound to eventually notice that!

Tony is just your average high school kid with an anger management problem. He’ll fight you just as soon as look at you and he doesn’t mind fighting dirty if that’s what the situation calls for! Whether this involves swinging a shovel at another guy during one of his after school fights or chucking dirt in his opponent’s eyes, one thing is for sure: Tony is in it to win it. To him, second place is the first loser. Continue reading “I Was a Teenage Werewolf (1957)” →