War of the Colossal Beast (1958)

War of the Colossal Beast PosterIt’s the most chilling, diabolical scheme of terror ever conceived by a movie monster! The great food trucks of Mexico are being mercilessly hijacked and their contents eaten! Native youths employed by cunning foreigners are left in a state of shock! Cunning foreigners seeking to take advantage of cheap labor are left with bars and restaurants without chips and salsa! And somewhere in Los Angeles, a woman who refuses to believe her brother died at the end of The Amazing Colossal Man may hold the key to unraveling this tastiest of all mysteries!

Sally hears a news report recounting the misadventures of the Great Mexican Food Truck Bandit and immediately jumps to the conclusion that her irradiated and 60 foot tall brother is responsible.

Major Baird isn’t convinced though. After all, he says, the U.S. Army hit that big bastard with a couple of bazooka blasts knocking him off the top of the Hoover Dam where he fell to certain death hundreds of feet below. You could almost hear Major Baird saying, “weren’t you paying attention to the end of The Amazing Colossal Man? Gawd!”

I think we all know how it is when the little ladies get some crazy idea in their pretty little skulls. I was not the least bit surprised then when I found all of us down in Mexico examining the scene of the crime.

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The discovery of one footprint made by a 60 foot man leads to a great example of international cooperation between U.S. and Mexican law enforcement. I am of course referring to Operation Enduring Bread where we load up a food truck with drugged bread and drive it around until one carb-craving giant snatches it up and dumps all 3 trillion loaves in his gigantic piehole.

You know, once I got a look at this giant and how he behaved, I kind of thought that instead of harassing the military and traipsing done to Mexico in search of her brother, Sally should have busting her rump to make sure no one knew she was related to this guy.

Has there ever been a more pathetic movie monster in the history of the silver screen? This guy’s face is half-rotted off, he only growls and squawks, wears Depends and is clearly retarded.

Sure, I shuddered when I saw him, but not out of fear. I mean this guy was too fricking dumb to die after being shot up and dumped 700 feet off the Hoover Dam. This rampaging monster that we’re supposed to fear is hiding in Mexico stealing loaves of bread. He doesn’t need to be captured and controlled, he needs to be on food stamps!

Once he’s drugged and captured, the movie begins to mirror its characters in that it doesn’t know what to with the giant. For awhile he’s housed in an airport hanger where they try to test his brain to see if he’s permanently retarded or just temporarily retarded.

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Naturally, even a monster who’s a mental midget still retains that primitive “escape and terrorize local community” instinct and the giant skulks around Griffith Park in Los Angeles for a little while.

Eventually the giant demonstrates the most brains of anyone involved when he figures out there’s no real point to this 69 minute movie, grabs some power lines and commits suicide.

But does this mean that the movie is a bad movie? Well sure it does! Do you have the brains of a retarded colossal man?

The real question though is whether you should watch it. My answer to that is what’s 69 minutes out of your entire life? You spend more time than that in a week picking your nose at work and examining it!

First of all, the Colossal Man has been upgraded for this movie. For now he has become…the Colossal Beast! And we all know that a Colossal Beast is much more awesome than a mere Colossal Man.

But even if you loved the Colossal Man, you get your due, too! That means I’m talking about flashbacks! Usually we bemoan these cheap ways of providing backstory, filling up time, and making us pay to see the same trash twice, but in this case the flashbacks take the very best of the first movie and put it in this movie. And it turns out to be the very best of this movie, too!

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Did you know that Operation Enduring Bread wasn’t the first time they tried to drug the Colossal Beast? Back when he was only a Colossal Man, they tried the same thing, but with a giant syringe!

They actually get it done, stabbing Colossal Man in the foot or ankle. Colossal Man then does what anyone one of us would if we were a giant whose brain was damaged in a plutonium bomb explosion – he picks up the syringe and spears a guy with it! Have you ever seen anything like that in a movie before? (Except for when you saw it in The Amazing Colossal Man of course.)

Highlights from a previous movie (including a Las Vegas rampage that is better than the Griffith Park one) which surpass anything in the current movie require the sure (but very cheap) hand of a certain kind of director to carry them off with the success demonstrated in this movie.

Bert I. Gordon has worked with giant spiders (Earth Vs. The Spider), giant grasshoppers (Beginning Of The End) and a colossal man (The Amazing Colossal Man) so he was a natural to direct this feature as well. That, and he probably had all that good footage from the first movie stashed in a paper bag under his bed.

© 2013 MonsterHunter

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