Special Forces (2003)

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SpecialForcesCoverFreedom is awesome, no doubt about it. Super Bowl, college football, keg parties, new flavors of Doritos constantly appearing on store shelves, hyper-sexualized women, Jesus, and the best gosh dang flag ever! How can you not get a American-sized chubby just thinking about?

But as we all know from the bumper sticker every God-fearing citizen has on their Ford pick up truck, freedom isn’t free! For every real patriot out there loving the Home of the Brave, it seems like there’s a liberal, anti-Christian, or feminist out there just itching to turn this country over to a bunch of atheist socialists who take their marching orders from the United Nations, European Union, and Hezbollah. Continue reading “Special Forces (2003)” →

Bloody Pit of Horror (1965)

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Mickey Hargitay was a body builder who starred in Hercules vs. the Hydra, Delirium, and a couple of other Italian schlock flicks, but the most impressive item on his resume is that he was once the husband of Jayne Mansfield.

He puts all that vital experience to use in Bloody Pit Of Horror as a guy that runs around shirtless in red tights, torturing and killing the folks who just wanted to use his castle to do some cheesecake photo shoots for a horror anthology they were working on.

There is a distinctly awesome vibe going on in this film and it has something to do with the fact that the well-oiled Hargitay runs around in his way too snug tights, his little red hood, and his large black belt, all the while complaining about how everyone is “corrupting the harmony of my perfect body.” This is the sort of thing you rarely get in horror films, even Italian ones! Continue reading “Bloody Pit of Horror (1965)” →

Superdad (1973)

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SuperdadPosterI thought I was watching a douche commercial when this movie began. With its shot of two people on a beach and its cloying “These Are The Best Times” song playing in the background, I assumed that a regular dosing of Superdad was going to refresh my most secret of places. Sadly though, I was left with that not so fresh feeling and even more incredibly, by the time Superdad complains to his daughter at her wedding that he smells, I was wishing that this was a douche commercial! Continue reading “Superdad (1973)” →

Flamingo Road (1949)

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This movie got off to a good start with me because we’re told right away that Flamingo Road was the road in this town (Bolden) where all the really powerful people lived. I like a movie that explains its obscure title early on because otherwise I’ll spend my time watching the movie and wondering just what the dickens the title is supposed to mean.

Even better, a sleazy carnival is visiting the wrong side of the tracks in town and Lane (Joan Crawford of Possessed) is dressed up in one of these harem girl outfits and shimmying along to that “there’s a place in France where the naked ladies dance” song that most of us had committed to memory by the second week of first grade. Continue reading “Flamingo Road (1949)” →

Submerged (2005)

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Submerged DVD CoverThis movie started out with a bunch of people getting shot in the head. I was hooked immediately. Actually, I’m exaggerating just a bit. It was when I saw the front of the DVD that I was hooked: Steven Seagal with a gun! And a submarine! They know what us undiscriminating fans of senseless violence and bloated up action heroes crave!

Director Anthony Hickox (Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth and couple of Dolph Lundgren movies you’ve never heard of) pulls every editing trick he can to keep things moving at a frenetic pace in spite of his star’s stunning immobility.

Lots of quick cuts and jittery action punctuated every now and again by a little slow motion (aside from Seagal’s perpetual slow motion) all combine to give the viewer the sense of being thrust into the confusing underworld of double agents and shifting alliances. Or it may just give you a headache. Continue reading “Submerged (2005)” →

Out for a Kill (2003)

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For reasons that elude me to this very day, wimpy archeologist Indiana Jones enjoys quite a large fanbase. This is a guy who spends most of his movies running from danger, peeing his pants over his snake-o-phobia, and getting tricked by sexy broads all while wearing that silly hat of his.

Throw in that movie where he teamed up with that annoying little Asian kid and that other movie where he teamed up with that annoying old Sean Connery and you’ve got a series of movies no real man should ever be caught dead admitting to watching, let alone liking. But what’s a real hoss like you or me to do when we’re after an old fashioned rip-snorting ass whip archeologist adventure flick? Continue reading “Out for a Kill (2003)” →

Attack Force (2006)

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At long last, Steven Seagal fans who like guys getting stabbed have a movie to call their own! Attack Force features our Rotund Rambo plunging blades into hopped-up Eurotrash like he actually cared if he saved Paris from having the diabolical drug CTX dumped in its water supply!

Of course, he really doesn’t care all that much; saving Paris is just an unfortunate by-product of getting revenge for the murders of his strike team at the beginning of the film. In fact, since Steve was actually shooting this movie in Romania and nowhere near Paris, he might not have even been aware that Attack Force took place in Paris. Same with his stunt doubles and the guy dubbing his voice about one-third of the time. Continue reading “Attack Force (2006)” →