This is the film that proves that director Sergio Martino (Mountain of the Cannibal God, The Great Alligator) knows his way around a station wagon tunnel chase which isn’t something they’re likely to teach you at UCLA Film School. He also demonstrates a keen eye for talent, hiring on Michael Sopkiw and Valentine Monier as Parsifal and Giara respectively. They would team up the next year for Monster Shark and if you liked seeing them riding around on a really big smelly shark, then you will love them riding around the wasteland in their Country Squire! Continue reading “2019: After the Fall of New York (1983)”
Cleopatra (1963)
Holy crap, that was long! Such was my reaction after finishing this one about two days after I started it. Lumbering, plodding, crawling, rumbling, stumbling, and finally bumbling into the endzone after an eternity, this movie (and really, that’s probably too charitable a term for something more akin to second job) will sorely test the patience of even the hardiest of historical epic fans. Continue reading “Cleopatra (1963)”
Mystery in Dracula’s Castle (1973)
There’s really no mystery here. There isn’t any castle. And while you do get two Draculas, one is an actor in a cheesy horror movie and one is little kid with fake teeth, cape, and dog sidekick named Watson. So why didn’t I care that nothing remotely promised by its sexy title was actually delivered?
What if I told you that instead of a mystery, we had a case of stolen jewels? And if I said that while we couldn’t rent Dracula’s castle for this movie, we got a lighthouse sitting atop a rocky cliff? Continue reading “Mystery in Dracula’s Castle (1973)”
Secrets of the Pirates’ Inn (1969)
A gang of kids helps a sea captain relative search for a pirate’s treasure that’s rumored to be hidden somewhere in the old dilapidated inn the sea captain just inherited from his dead brother. Along the way, they unravel a series of clues which lead to a variety of hidden passages and trap doors. But they are not alone in their quest for Jean Lafitte’s pirate goodies!
Someone is shadowing their every move, messing about in the basement, stealing clues, and leaving spooky footprints in the kitchen! Who can it be? The cantankerous caretaker, Vern Padgett, who doesn’t like kids or old sea captains? Or is it the nosy reporter, Carl Buchanan, in from Baton Rouge to dig up a story and just maybe a little treasure, too? Continue reading “Secrets of the Pirates’ Inn (1969)”
Heatseeker (1995)
Do you know how I knew that Heatseeker was far-fetched science fiction? Gary Daniels got his ass kicked. Twice. The second time, he was literally destroyed despite having all the latest cybernetic implants that supposedly made him the perfect killing machine. In fact, the whole movie was built around the concept that the company that designed the implants and that Gary worked for was holding a tournament to showcase just what a perfect killing machine he was. And it turned out that he got beat worse after he gets the implants than he did in his first fight when he was still all human! Continue reading “Heatseeker (1995)”
Cyborg (1989)
As is the case with most of these post-apocalyptic cheapies from the 1980s that feature guys and gals dressed up like they were trying out for KISS’s “Lick It Up” video, the reason we’ve been transported to this potential future is so we can follow our hero on one of those dopey escort missions.
Once the world ends, escort missions are pretty much the only form of employment a good guy can get. It usually involves our boy having to get some chick (most likely the last hope for some type of vague salvation that isn’t ever really followed up on) to some place for some reason. This requires running a gauntlet of bad guys through various rubble strewn sets, abandoned warehouses, and sewers. Continue reading “Cyborg (1989)”
The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949)
Despite being a Disney cartoon, this film is definitely not for children! Based on The Wind and the Willows and The Legend of Sleepy Hollow, the movie is about a talking toad who is mentally deranged and a horny guy with big feet lusting after some young hottie while he’s supposed to be teaching the town’s schoolchildren!
As it unfolds, we find Toad’s buddies concerned about his poor money management, even going so far as to appoint Angus MacBadger to act as Toad’s trustee. Even as Angus is attempting to get Toad’s books in order, Toad is out and about wreaking havoc with his new ride, a canary yellow horse drawn cart, pulled by his newest best buddy – a horse named Cyril Proudbottom. Continue reading “The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949)”