Don’t Torture a Duckling (1972)

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After watching this movie I came to a couple of conclusions. The first is that despite this being directed by their idol, Lucio Fulci, the gorehounds will be somewhat disappointed with it. The second thing I figured out is that in spite of Fulci’s reputation, anyone that enjoys a good, unsettling thriller will come away feeling very satisfied with what they’ve seen. The last and by far the most important thing I learned was that the title refers to a retarded girl’s Donald Duck doll.

Strange things are happening in a small Italian village. Strange things like little boys turning up dead and a dirty woman digging up a little baby skeleton. I suppose that qualifies as strange if you’ve never seen an Italian horror movie before, but those of us in the business see that kind of stuff a couple of times a week. Continue reading “Don’t Torture a Duckling (1972)” →

Chain of Command (1994)

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While Chain of Command is truly abominable on every level, it’s really almost Italian-esque in the pleasingly effortless way it manages to get so many of the little things we take for granted in movies so wrong. Like hair.

In looking back on the hair situation in this one, I can only surmise that Michael Dudikoff used his pull as premiere third-rate straight to video action star to make sure his hair was the best in the movie by default.

You had guys with hair slicked back. You had a guy with hair thinning in not one, but two spots on his head. You had a guy wearing a Richard Marx wig. (I had forgotten that pop singer Richard Marx had ever existed until I watched head bad guy Rawlings strut into an oil company and take it over and I said to myself without thinking, “hey, the head bad guy named Rawlings is wearing a Richard Marx wig.”) Continue reading “Chain of Command (1994)” →

The Fly (1958)

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The Fly opens up with Vincent Price’s brother under an industrial press, his head and arm pulped into unrecognizability. Price (François) sees this and kind of screws up his face in one those “eww, yucky!” expressions like his brother has cooties or something. Then he gets the call all of us fear: his sister confessing that she squashed her husband because he had become part man and part fly! Continue reading “The Fly (1958)” →

Suspiria (1977)

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Do not be fooled by the bold visuals and the spectacular murder set pieces that Dario Argento uses in this, the first of a trilogy of films which also includes Inferno and Mother Of Tears. When you look past the style he dresses this one up in, it all still boils down to a coven of super powerful witches defeated by a wispy American ballet student who’s in something like her second week at the ballet academy where this all takes place. Continue reading “Suspiria (1977)” →

Revenge of the Ninja (1983)

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Early on in this movie I was thinking that this Sho Kosugi guy wasn’t much of an actor. With a bad haircut and a stupefied look on his face whenever he was required to grunt out admittedly dreadful dialogue, Sho seemed to be about as suited for the silver screen as his tall, beefy, co-star, Arthur Roberts, seemed to be suited for ninja duty.

Quite simply, this movie stinks like a ninja suit after a day of hopping around on the hot rooftops of a Los Angeles that looks suspiciously like a much cheaper to shoot in Salt Lake City. Salt Lake City’s rather bungled attempt at portraying L.A. though is really the least laughable thing in this movie, as there were many times throughout that I felt like I was watching an extended skit from SCTV. Continue reading “Revenge of the Ninja (1983)” →