Beyond Darkness (1990)

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If you’ve ever read the real estate section of your local paper, you’ve seen the ads: Great starter home! 4 bedrooms, 2 baths, attached garage, coven of zombie witches, excellent schools, $229,000. Built on the scene of a horrific witch burning centuries ago, this history-infused charmer has been retrofitted with central air and is wired for cable. Though thoroughly modern in its amenities, the gateway to hell located on the second floor still functions! Perfect for families with small children who are not too attached to old-world notions of souls!

It’s every family’s dream home to be sure, but it’s also the sort of home that’s a bit out of reach to most of us, whether it’s the high price tag, not enough bathrooms, or the fact that we’re sort of attached to our souls. Continue reading “Beyond Darkness (1990)” →

Shocking Dark (1990)

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Venice before the year 2000 is a beautiful city of canals, museums and other neat stuff. I’m guessing the Venice after 2000 is pretty much the same since I haven’t heard anything in the news about it sinking or anything. But what about the Venice of tomorrow? That Venice is a post-apocalyptic nightmare!

Closed off from the world, that Venice is a dead city, the entrance guarded by three guys in gas masks standing in front of a “do not enter” sign! What could have happened to the Venice of tomorrow that it turned from the city of lovers (or whatever it was) into the city of hazmat suits? It was something about seaweed choking out all the oxygen. Pretty much the usual end of the world stuff from the Italians. I’m sure it made sense to them. Continue reading “Shocking Dark (1990)” →

Night Killer (1990)

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We’ve all seen movies where the killer is someone close to the heroine that she never suspected. We’re also familiar with the red herrings thrown out to implicate the innocent. And the little kickers at the end of these horror movies that show the villain’s heinous activities aren’t over despite all evidence to the contrary? Well, we’d be shocked if there wasn’t a shock ending!

But Night Killer is going to use all these tired and horribly ineffective conventions as just the jumping off point! How do we know that? Because there is a moment in the movie where a woman says, “my grandma, what a big schlong you have!” Continue reading “Night Killer (1990)” →

Black Horizon (2002)

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Space…the final frontier…for Michael Dudikoff’s acting career! The Dude (American Ninja, Black Thunder caps off a quarter century of filmmaking the biggest (or at least as big as an extremely low budget would allow) way possible with 2002’s Black Horizon (aka Stranded) that sees him kicking ass in outer space, having kicked all of it on Earth already! And while he didn’t actually lay a whupping on anyone worse than making a few snarky comments as shuttle commander Ed Carpenter, he was kicking space’s ass by spacewalking all over it! Continue reading “Black Horizon (2002)” →

Scorpio One (1998)

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ScorpioOneCoverJeff Speakman (The Perfect Weapon, Running Red) plays Jared Stone, the leader of a team of Army Rangers flying on the Space Shuttle up to the Scorpio One space station. But there’s a rotten apple or four among all the people on the Shuttle (there’s as many bad guys as good guys on the flight!) and it isn’t long before dudes are having their helmets unsealed accidentally, depressurized in an air lock accidentally, or cutting Stone’s air hose accidentally. Hey, these space flights are a risky business! I’ve seen that Apollo 13 movie, so I know!

When the bad guys finally reveal their hand and you realize who their leader is, you’ll have no choice but to watch the rest of the movie about a foot away from your TV while standing! Because facing off against low-budget American action film legend Jeff Speakman is low budget Italian action film legend Brent Huff! Continue reading “Scorpio One (1998)” →

Air Strike (2004)

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“Let me tell you something. You read my fucking lips. I will never sign anything or admit to anything…that would slander my name, my God, or my country. You understand me? I loathe you. I despise everything you stand for. You’re a low life pathetic, drug-dealing, greedy, Petrovian piece of dog shit. That’s what I think of you. So if you have anything to say to me, say it right to my nuts.”

Captain Ben “Woodchopper” Garret does a great job of laying out what United States foreign policy ought to be with those words, words that are basically the twenty-first century version of our Declaration of Independence.

Garret has been held prisoner for weeks by the scumbag narcoterrorist Ivan. He’s been punched, kicked, beaten with metal bars, and even had a taser applied to his aforementioned nuts. Ivan’s greasy-haired henchman, Chicago, is trying to force Garret to sign some piece of propaganda buttwipe saying Garret committed war crimes or whatever, and Garret tells him what every single American better tell him in that situation. Continue reading “Air Strike (2004)” →

Holocaust 2000 (1977)

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You know, the Antichrist gets a lot of bad publicity. Everyone seems to get all caught up in his role in the End Times, bemoaning his pure evil while ignoring his good qualities. I speak chiefly of his willingness to fight anyone, anywhere. Here’s the thing – I may not entirely agree with the Antichrist’s politics or the way he handles his business, but the guy is out there taking everyone’s best shot, movie after movie. In the years 1976-1978 alone, he battled Gregory Peck, William Holden, and Kirk Douglas!

Douglas was beginning a phase in his career that fellow film legend Charlton Heston suffered through in the early 1970s. I’m speaking of course about having to headline humiliating genre films.

In retrospect, Chuck probably fared better since Planet Of The Apes has proven to be a classic and there are undoubtedly fans of Soylent Green and even The Omega Man.

Kirk’s three entries in this dubious club? The Italian-made Holocaust 2000, The Fury, and Saturn 3. Ouch! Continue reading “Holocaust 2000 (1977)” →