No Retreat, No Surrender 3: Blood Brothers (1990)

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No Retreat, No Surrender 3: Blood Brothers manages to sound like a tough bruising epic where a couple of guys are going to kick ass back to back against all comers! And this time, unlike in the first two NRNS films, they really, really mean it! And since I had never seen the first two and since this film never referenced the first two, I just had to believe that that’s what I was seeing on screen! For me it was basically, No Retreat, No Surrender: Blood Brothers! Notice how much better the movie got when you just ditched the 3?

And after a healthy dose of the Blood Brothers in action, I don’t even need to see the first two movies! Continue reading “No Retreat, No Surrender 3: Blood Brothers (1990)” →

Avenging Force (1986)

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There are powerful men intent on perverting all the United States holds dear! Powerful men who would stop at nothing to achieve their own deranged agenda! And it’s not just Democrats either! There is also the Pentangle!

If you’re like me, when you weren’t wiping wuss-sweat off of your brow from the sheer terror you felt when you heard about the Pentangle you were also rushing to your dictionary to see exactly what the Pentangle meant.

Thankfully though, you won’t be forced to hit pause and break the action spell that Avenging Force deftly weaves for every single one of its 105 minutes because a character helpfully explains that the Pentangle is a five pointed star. Each point represents one of the five secret leaders of the Pentangle!

And the Avenging Force? That’s one guy. Name of Dudikoff. Ex-Secret Service. Best there ever was. G-6 rating. Quit the Service after his parents were killed by a terrorist bomb. Raising his little sister on his ranch. Just a cowpoke roping calves, driving pick ups, and rocking the biggest assed belt buckles west of the Pecos. Until the Pentangle comes a calling. Continue reading “Avenging Force (1986)” →

Not Another Mistake (1988)

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This time all our boys come home! No, really! Even if they got leprosy! Eww! Ickiest POW rescue mission ever! But that makes it even more personal for Straker (Richard Norton) who goes back to the biggest leper colony of them all, Southeast Asia, to bust out all the guys from his crew that never made it back to the States with him when the Vietnam War ended! Why is it more personal? Um, because they’re all freaking lepers! That’s pretty heinous, even by the usual abominably inhumane standards of Charlie!

A lot of you wuss civilians out there would probably look upon a “no chance in hell, government will deny all responsibility if you’re caught” mission behind enemy lines as a pain in the ass.

I’ll tell you though, when you’re living the life and all you know is the Special Forces and it’s like the war never ended for you and every guy you ever loved as a brother is just a memory, getting one of these gigs that allows you to go back to doing what you know best (killing Commies) is kind of like winning the lottery. Especially for guys like Straker! Continue reading “Not Another Mistake (1988)” →

No Tomorrow (1999)

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Did it really take until 1999 to make a movie where a rapper hijacked a combination flamethrower/rocket launcher from low budget action icon Frank Zagarino? Did it really take cinema 100 years or so before it was mature enough to handle a film with Zags, Gary Busey, Jeff Fahey, Pam Grier, and prolific British kickstud Gary Daniels? Some of you are surely questioning the wisdom of letting Master P direct such a classic conflagration of paycheck hungry workhorses. I would question the wisdom of NOT letting him do it!

Other than ex-special forces guys who know some off-brand kung fu, who knows the most about wanton violence and reckless cussing? Rappers! Those guys are always shooting each other, burning their houses down, stealing each other’s bling, and calling each other out in song with such a proficiency in profanity that it would make a pissed off drill sergeant envious! And for a company as bottom-line conscious as PM Entertainment, rappers are awesome because they provide their own weapons and wardrobe! Continue reading “No Tomorrow (1999)” →

Nautilus (2000)

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“He’s young, crazy as a shithouse rat and likes to play with bombs.” Again demonstrating that he’s the best at whatever it is he does, Australian kickboxing movie icon Richard Norton single-handedly tries to save the past, the present, the future, and most importantly of all, the movie from total cataclysmic collapse! Sometimes he does it by kicking punks in the head, sometimes by shooting them, and sometimes by giving us colorful dialogue you just don’t find in nearly enough movies.

Shithouse rats aside, Nautilus is pretty much a floater even by the relative non-standards of the time-traveling submarine movie genre. You can’t help but compare Nautilus unfavorably to the granddaddy of all submarine time machine movies, Beneath the Bermuda Triangle. Continue reading “Nautilus (2000)” →

Nude for Satan (1974)

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Before its DVD release in 1999, Nude For Satan languished hidden in an Italian vault for a quarter century, no doubt the victim of some Illuminati scheme to protect the world from its tempting message of kinky sensuousness through devil worship.

Throughout the film, the Devil does his damnedest to coax unsuspecting viewers over to his camp. He makes a chick’s clothes disappear just by looking at her. A naked woman gets whipped by an ugly butler. He influences a gal to go lesbian. He even has a giant spider menace the star while she was only wearing a skimpy nightgown and black panties! But the Devil also does some bad stuff in the movie, too.

One of his most heinous acts was near the end of the film when he taunted us by having hot babes emerging from tombs getting naked only to interject dudes wearing paint and dressed in red thongs into the scene! And they were dancing! Continue reading “Nude for Satan (1974)” →

The Notorious Daughter of Fanny Hill (1966)

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The Notorious Daughter Of Fanny Hill is a film where all hope is lost once the movie begins, any chance for a bawdy good time evaporating as a parade of amateur porn-star wannabes introduce themselves and their characters while minimalist harpsichord music churns repetitively in the background leaving you longing for your favorite porn guitar riffs.

The concept of this film is that Fanny’s daughter Kissy wakes up, gets dressed and then her manservant periodically announces her gentlemen callers.

The first is the Duke of Roxbury. The Duke makes out with her a little bit and then Kissy breaks out the free buffet. Is this a whorehouse or a casino? They spend many long minutes with the Duke chowing down as much food as his spastic colon can hold, all the while Kissy plays footsie with him under the table. Continue reading “The Notorious Daughter of Fanny Hill (1966)” →