Rampage of Evil (1961)

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Rampage of Evil Poster 1 ResizeYou know what was on a rampage in this movie? Talking. And planning. And talking about planning. And talking about planning about what do with a bunch of mutinous Slavs.

Sure, you had your adrenaline-fueled moments of our hero going undercover as a goat shepherd (whose herd was made up of exactly one goat) where he fooled three drunken Slavs with a beard so fake that no one but a trio of Slavs who can’t hold their liquor would be fooled.

And when the Slavs stab our hero’s only goat for no apparent reason, we all held our breath to see if our hero could muster anything sufficiently resembling vague confusion at the wanton act of goat-cruelty so that his cover wasn’t blown. Continue reading “Rampage of Evil (1961)” →

Ursus in the Valley of the Lions (1961)

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Ursus Lion Poster 2 ResizedIt took until the fourth movie in Ursus’ nine movie career to finally unleash his secret origin. Was it because it was too painful for Ursus to relate to us? Was there some secret shame that drove him to muscularly right the wrongs so pervasive in the ancient world he inhabited? Was there an Uncle Ben lurking in his background somewhere?

Uh no, this isn’t an angst-ridden story about some pussy bug boy! This is the tale of the most bad ass of Italian bad ass bodybuilder flicks! Just how bad ass? Four words: raised by freaking lions! Continue reading “Ursus in the Valley of the Lions (1961)” →

Hologram Man (1995)

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It’s hologram vs. hologram in a battle for all of Los Angeles! Two men digitized to fighting perfection pull out all the stops as they wreak havoc up and down the city, guns blazing, cars exploding, and lightning bolts shooting out of their hands in an effort to take control of L.A. back from the evil corporation that has taken over! Even better though than it being a hologram against hologram situation is that it is also a war between a couple of guys with fine low budget action resumes and girlishly long hair that you just know they spend all kinds of time conditioning! Continue reading “Hologram Man (1995)” →

Mercenary (1996)

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Olivier Gruner faces his toughest mission ever! He must infiltrate the mountain fortress of the most feared terrorist on the planet, the evil Russian known as Phoenix! Phoenix is backed up the meanest assemblage of ex-Eastern European bad asses ever conceived in this dimension! He’s armed with the latest devastating weapons like SAM missiles that make any invasion of his hideout nothing short of pure suicide! And he’s already beat Olivier at his own game years before! But the tough part of Olivier’s mission is that he has take an out of shape and whiny John Ritter along for the ride!

John Ritter? You mean the dead guy who was on Three’s Company? The guy who finished up his career in one of those lame sitcoms playing one of those befuddled dads that always seem to be outwitted by their hot teenage daughter? Continue reading “Mercenary (1996)” →

Equalizer 2000 (1987)

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When I was watching Equalizer 2000 and reveled in its non-stop shooting, explosions, and guys getting set on fire, I was like “fudge! I think I just died and went to heaven!” And you know what? I was fudging right! Because my heaven is a post-apocalyptic wasteland where dudes in shoulder pads and helmets drive beat up old cars with spikes welded onto the hoods! Because I know my God is a smooth-chested stud dressed in leather who doesn’t say a hell of a lot unless you count his massive gun belching death at evildoers as conversation! Because in heaven, there’s about one chick there and its Corinne Wahl! Continue reading “Equalizer 2000 (1987)” →

Stryker (1983)

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Stryker PosterStryker is the best post-apocalyptic movie not featuring Richard Norton (Equalizer 2000) that Cirio H. Santiago ever made! Like Dune Warriors (another post-apocalyptic film Cirio made without Norton), Stryker is all about a wasteland (surely the same Filipino rock quarry all of Cirio’s Mad Max rip-off movies are shot in) where water is scarce and bands of dirtbags in tricked out battle cars cruise around killing villagers they think have it. Compared to Stryker though, Dune Warriors comes off like the amateur hour and 15 minutes that it is, lacking the backstory, the strong central characters, and the pathos Stryker is blessed with! Continue reading “Stryker (1983)” →

Future Hunters (1986)

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For 20 minutes, Future Hunters is the greatest movie ever made. With its Richard Norton leatherpocalypse scenes of non-stop Mad Max-style cars racing around desolate rock and sand covered terrain and its violent shoot outs complete with exploding vehicles, it was like someone took Equalizer 2000 and Raiders Of The Sun and compressed them into a highly concentrated speedball of sneering and sweating ultra-manly aggression. It probably makes sense that that someone was director Cirio H. Santiago who also teamed up with Richard Norton and Rich’s leather pants to bring us Equalizer 2000 (in the same year no less!) and Raiders Of The Sun! Continue reading “Future Hunters (1986)” →