Before this movie started I didn’t even know what continent Damascus was on! If that’s the sort of detail that really matters to you when you’re watching a movie, Goliath at the Conquest of Damascus begins with a map with labels and narrator to walk you through it. For me though, by the time the guy was babbling on about the fourth different set of tribes fighting over some sandy armpit the civilized world quit caring about thousands of years ago, I just gave up trying to sort out what some guy named Thor was doing in the middle of it all. Unleash the glistening guns of whatever gargantuan grapple god this movie stars already! Continue reading “Goliath at the Conquest of Damascus (1965)”
The Ghost of Cypress Swamp (1977)
The poet/philosopher Tupac once opined “a coward dies a thousand deaths… a soldier dies but once.” You know who else only dies but once in The Ghost Of Cypress Swamp? Lonny’s brave dog who got eaten by the evil panther named Weakfoot while the wimpy Lonny stood around doing nothing to save him! Continue reading “The Ghost of Cypress Swamp (1977)”
Mach 2 (2001)
Again proving that college football stars are the closest things this planet has to superheroes, Brian “The Boz” Bosworth, former Oklahoma Sooner stud linebacker turned fourth-tier action star fights terrorists, flies a Concorde so expertly that he can avoid missiles launched by fighter pilots trying to shoot him down, and even manages to land the thing safely into a giant net! And he doesn’t even know how to freaking fly!
In fact, despite him being a captain in the Air Force, he was such a non-flying guy that his nickname was Washout! Good old Jack “Washout” Tyree! And he moans during one of his more convincing scenes that he always gets stuck with the shit jobs! Continue reading “Mach 2 (2001)”
The House of the Laughing Windows (1976)
Stefano has taken a job finishing a fresco at a church on an isolated island somewhere in Italy. I had high hopes for this film by Pupi Avati when Stefano got off the boat and set foot onto the island since there was a sultry broad making eyes at him and a midget greeted him on shore. Continue reading “The House of the Laughing Windows (1976)”
Tenebre (1982)
I originally figured that since “tenebre” sounded a little like “tentacle” that maybe this movie was going to be about a giant squid. Then I discovered that it was an Italian flick so I figured that some giant squid was on the loose in Rome eating fashion models. It ended up being a fairly straight forward slasher flick where the murders were all related to a book that Anthony Franciosa’s character Peter Neal had written, called Tenebre.
Just because it was straight forward though doesn’t mean that it really makes a lot of sense. It’s another one of those Dario Argento flicks with a couple of shocking endings which exist because he again goes to the “there’s two murderers out there” gag that he used to better effect in The Bird With The Crystal Plumage. Continue reading “Tenebre (1982)”
The Silencers (1996)
The first vehicle didn’t explode until about the 38 minute mark of this film which may very well have been a record for a PM Entertainment movie.
Generally, you can expect some type of freeway chase where old clunker cars, vans, and buses go flying through the air and land in a hellish firestorm of slow motion. The Silencers though bucked that trend, instead opting for a prologue involving a cow being abducted by aliens back in the 1960s. I think as far as scenes starring cows flying through the air it was probably a close second to that one in Twister. Continue reading “The Silencers (1996)”
Dark Breed (1996)
Typically uninteresting alien invasion story mixed with an evil government agency’s hidden agenda that’s saved by a healthy dose of Scalia! Continue reading “Dark Breed (1996)”