After the end of the civilized world, the survivors must start a new way of life! A way of life that involves driving cars with spikes welded on them! A way of life that sees them dressed in black shoulder pads and football helmets! A way of life that forces them to conduct almost all their action inside an abandoned quarry! And most frightening of all, a way of life where the midget population positively explodes! Continue reading “Raiders of the Sun (1992)”
Invasion of the Star Creatures (1962)
The first words on the screen were “Presented by R.I. Diculous.” A few more of these “wacky” credits followed confirming my suspicions that I was in for one of those most painful of movie going experiences: the bad movie that tries to be so bad that it’s funny. Continue reading “Invasion of the Star Creatures (1962)”
Attack of the Giant Leeches (1959)
You ever have one of those days where you wish you could go back to bed and start it all over again like Bill Murray in that irritating Groundhog Day movie? I’m pretty sure that’s how Dave Walker felt in this movie about guys in black tarps harassing backwoods types. Dave is the lard ass who runs the general store that serves the tri-swamp area with all its food, bait, and gossiping needs. Continue reading “Attack of the Giant Leeches (1959)”
Johnny Tremain (1957)
I always suspected that those snobby British goons who tried to stifle all our basic human rights by laying a big tax on our imported tea were defeated through the interference of some plucky kids.
Since the novel this movie is based on won a Newbery Medal, I have to assume that it’s the God’s honest truth and that the colonists were such great guys that after they stormed the ships in Boston Harbor and dumped all the tea overboard, that they then took time to swab the decks and generally cleaned up the boat when they finished with their consumer protest. Continue reading “Johnny Tremain (1957)”
All That Heaven Allows (1955)
Jane Wyman, looking every bit of her forty-plus years in the role, plays Cary Scott, an upper class dame who had her husband go and croak on her last year. He left her some money, a house, two snotty young adult kids, an empty existence, and a hunky gardener played by Rock Hudson!
Before Rock can start planting his trees in Cary’s yard, the movie shows us the kind of pointless shell of a life that Cary has been living since her husband took the easy way out. She has a friend, the anvil-faced Agnes Moorehead (Endora from Bewitched) and she seems to like Cary as much as anyone, but we soon see that friendship in this little upper crust town is premised on everyone acting like they are supposed to. This means going out to the country club, enduring dull parties with self-important gossips, and dating old guys who have never heard of Viagra. Continue reading “All That Heaven Allows (1955)”
Tormented (1960)
Tom Stewart (inertly played by Richard Carlson of Creature From The Black Lagoon) tells his girlfriend Vi that he is breaking up with her and is instead going to marry his other sweetheart Meg, mainly because she’s prettier and her daddy is stinking rich. Vi pulls the old “well I guess I’ll just have to publish my little book I’ve been working on called Tom Stewart’s Love Letters to His Skanky Hooch Vi.” She also threatens Tom with giving the letters to her lawyer for a lawsuit. I guess if she’s alleging that he’s a stud jazz pianist, then he’s guilty as hell! Continue reading “Tormented (1960)”
Riot (1996)
Like Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Gary Daniels (Pocket Ninjas, Firepower) is a former kickboxing champion who has parlayed his titles into a film career starring in action movies no normal person has ever heard of.
And like Olivier Gruner (another ex-kickboxing champ featured in a series of movies invisible to the mainstream), Gary possesses that bland, inoffensive charm that convinces you he’s a decent sort of guy who kicks ass only because he’s forced to.
I mean, Gary only destroys an entire softball team after they say that he and buddy Sugar Ray Leonard are gay for each other! So parents can feel good about the positive message this film teaches about tolerance: don’t call tough guys queers! Because they won’t tolerate it! Continue reading “Riot (1996)”