Throughout the ages Man has been haunted by a single question: what the hell is an Etruscan? Is it some prehistoric warthog? An obscure religious sect that communes with trees and screws farm animals? French for trash can? Clearly, fear of the unknown is the scariest fear of them all! Continue reading “Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror (1981)”
Darby O’Gill and the Little People (1959)
At the risk of having one of the wee folk put the come hither on me and replace my kids with changelings, I’m going to go ahead and declare that Darby O’Gill And The Little People was nothing so much as a lot of potato-breathed blarney that even an Irishman full of cheap stout could not have enjoyed. Continue reading “Darby O’Gill and the Little People (1959)”
Spellbreaker: Secret of the Leprechauns (1996)
It’s easy to say that Spellbreaker: The Secret of the Leprechauns is like some kind of mediocre wish granted for having endured its puny predecessor, Leapin’ Leprechauns!
If you recall, that film followed an old man and his stowaway leprechaun and fairy friends as he visited his douche son and family in Denver. Douche dad was trying to scam old man into letting him build the Irelandland theme park on Fairy Hill. No one believed old man about the existence of the wee folk at first, but everyone came around eventually.
If you don’t recall any of that, don’t worry because Spellbreaker wastes its first two minutes having douche dad’s creepy son, Mikey, narrate it all, accompanied by flashbacks. This is easily the worst part of Spellbreaker. That’s not really a compliment toward Spellbreaker so much as a reminder of what a pile of pooka droppings Leapin’ Leprechauns! was. Continue reading “Spellbreaker: Secret of the Leprechauns (1996)”
The Last Leprechaun (1998)
“I should have trusted my children, you are a witch,” the formerly bewitched rich guy played by Jack Scalia (Endless Descent) blandly announces as he watches his fiancee levitate with electricity periodically sparking around her. And just like that the water banshee’s plan to flood the valley begins to unravel. Continue reading “The Last Leprechaun (1998)”
Leapin’ Leprechauns! (1995)
I want to tell you a tale about a guy who didn’t believe in the wee folk. He was given to lying to his pops, patronizing his family and worst of all possessing a douchey countenance and haircut.
He heard stories that his immortal soul was bound to be hauled off by some evil cloud-monster-banshee thing to whatever hell the wee folk think up for non-believers (lots of soccer and Riverdance, but I’m just guessing), but he what did he care because these little turds weren’t real, right?
But then, like in all other major religions, these pesky pipsqueaks started giving him signs like causing food to get shoved in his face! And magic markers to fly around! And a vase full of water tipping over on his plans for the moronically named Irelandland! (I like to think King Kevin was just trying to save this dope from himself with that trick.) Continue reading “Leapin’ Leprechauns! (1995)”
Bronx Executioner (1989)
Bronx Executioner effortlessly takes its place in the pantheon of awesome post-apocalyptic Italian movies set in the Bronx! And it does it without being particularly post-apocalyptic and not really being set in the Bronx! Continue reading “Bronx Executioner (1989)”
Escape from the Bronx (1983)
When we last left headband-clad biker tough Trash at the end of 1990: The Bronx Warriors, he was wandering the wreckage of his beloved Bronx after firing a grappling hook into Vic Morrow and briefly lamenting the death of the girl who had first caused him to rip off the plot of Escape From New York. Continue reading “Escape from the Bronx (1983)”