The details are almost too terrifying to report: a $25,000 budget, a two week shooting schedule, Tommy Kirk, and a TV movie. That in a nutshell is what we have with Mars Needs Women, a movie that can’t hide the low budget, low star power, and the low wattage script that it suffers from throughout.
This is another silly Martian invasion movie. You know how those Martians are. They’re always giving our planet the bugged-eyed once over because of its really sweet location in the universe.
In this case, the usual invasion plan has been modified a bit to try and trick teenyboppers into watching the movie. See, Mars has gone into some kind genetic free fall (probably because they kept sending their best and brightest to Earth in past invasion attempts) and the result is that for every 100 male Martians there is only one female Martian. I think you know what happens when you have a planet load of horny Martians: road trip to Earth!
Just how exactly is this devious plot going to unfold? What sort of demented scheme have the Martians come up with this time to steal our nation’s most precious (and crabby) natural resource? Well, they kind of just send a coded message to our military with this cryptic statement: Mars needs women. Egads! What could it all mean?
Later we get some communications from the Martian leader about how they don’t have enough hot babes on the red planet and just need to score about five slutty girls and they’ll be peacefully on their way. You can imagine that we aren’t too thrilled with the prospect of some of our finer slices of grade A hooch being beamed out to some loser planet that sends its invaders out in ugly gold saucers.
Our military takes a break from the Cold War to deal with this threat and the result is the liberal use of stock footage of lots of different types of airplanes flying around. Just so you don’t get too bored and think that MGM somehow accidentally mastered eighty minutes of the Discovery Wings digital cable channel onto your DVD, they also intersperse these dull, grainy shots with dull, static shots of a loud speaker that constantly gives us updates on the progress of the stock footage!
Finally, Tommy Kirk (The Misadventures of Merlin Jones) materializes into the secret military room with the loud speaker. He’s dressed in one of those sissy shiny skin tight get ups that Martians without women seem to favor and he was trying to reset his big Dating Game plan to the top brass. They didn’t like what they heard, so Tommy disappeared and he and his crew land in Houston, Texas!
Tommy leads this pack of geeks in a fairly unconvincing manner (he tries so hard to be an emotionless Martian, but then has a crying scene with Yvonne Craig at the end of the movie) as they land at the old abandoned ice factory in the northeast part of town.
Why have they chosen to land at the old abandoned ice factory? Because even though it has been condemned and shut down by the city for years, it still has a valuable supply of chemicals that they can mix up and make some crap that will freeze people so they can be sent back to Mars.
After stealing some earth clothes, they head out to their assigned spots to go pick up broads! The first guy shows us that he’s got his head screwed on right, when he immediately hits the strip club down the street. There he ogles a stripper strutting her stuff, though since this was a made-for-TV movie, she just dances in a dress most of the time and doesn’t really sport the moves you would expect from an exotic dancer that has been targeted by interplanetary studs bent on making her their love slave.
The next guy also shows us that all Martians aren’t stupid because he ends up at a college football game! When you only have $25,000 to shoot your flick and about 50 bucks went to tickets for a football game, it’s understandable that you’d want to milk that location for all it was worth. And milk it they did. We must have seen the entire first quarter, before we finally see the Martian going after Baylor’s homely homecoming queen!
Tommy and his buddy are busy hanging out at hotel bars and pretending to be reporters for some reason so they haven’t scrounged themselves up a prom date yet.
Finally Tommy hypnotizes a real reporter into leaving his hotel room and steals his press credentials so that he can go visit the lecture that famed space geneticist, Dr. Marjorie Bolen (Craig) is putting on. She’s a nerd that none of the reporters take seriously except for Tommy.
Tommy asks her some really good question about chromosomes and the next thing you know, they’re going out on a date to the planetarium. Never mind that these Martians are on a tight schedule and must leave Earth in 24 hours for no good reason.
They hang out some more doing stuff like taking walks, visiting the wing of the museum devoted to Marge’s dead dad, and Marge leaking the army’s secret plan to secretly raid the Martian’s secret lair at the old abandoned ice factory!
Without reservation, I can say that this movie trawls new depths in its jejune exploration of the idiotic conceit that aliens from another world would actually want our women. (Haven’t they seen Earth’s divorce rate?)
Worse than the lame concept of the film though is the utter lack of anything remotely resembling competence by all involved. The film is a collection of snooze-inducing scenes with people doing little of interest except listening to loudspeakers, walking around staring at women and going to college football games. The whole “filmed on location in Texas” look gives the movie a feeling that we’re watching an H.G. Lewis movie with no gore or even his trademark memorably bad style. Without a doubt, the worst movie about Martians stealing our broads ever committed to film.
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