Blood Freak (1972)

Any ambivalence that I had for watching a movie about a killer turkey disappeared as soon as I laid eyes on our hero, a biker by the name of Herschell. The only thing I have to say is why in the hell didn’t anyone tell me this movie starred Elvis?

That’s right true believer! The King himself appears (though mysteriously he uses the pseudonym of Steve Hawkes) in full King style. There’s big hair, giant mutton chops, and those oversized silver framed sunglasses that all us King fans have in their car for when we go cruising for the ladies.

The movie begins with Elvis biking down the highway and encountering a hot chick during his travels. She turns him on to religion kind of, but not really, because this Jesus girl takes him to a party her druggie sister is having with all her druggie friends.

I never quite understood why Elvis went with Jesus Girl or why Jesus Girl would hang out with her sister’s drug party where Elvis would be tempted by the two twins of evil in society: some good weed and some even better booty.

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Now, the King is, as I’m sure you know, staunchly anti-drug (you might remember how he had those commercials where he would implore kids when offered drugs to “just say no thank ya very much”), but this bit of booty calls him a coward for not trying drugs!

The King is no coward! He is susceptible to peer pressure though and decides that while his body is a temple that no drugs (except those prescribed by his cadre of personal physicians that he has on retainer) shall ever touch, he makes the supreme sacrifice for all of us and takes a toke. And then another. And another. And then he takes a toke of her booty! And that’s the kind of peer pressure we all don’t mind!

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After his pot and poontang party, Elvis starts his job at the local turkey farm. The old coot who owns the farm comments on Elvis being a “husky man” and that he would do well at the turkey farm. He agrees to eat some drugged turkey meat for some extra pay and some extra dope since the drug he previously took was engineered to make Elvis an addict!

A combination of the tainted turkey meat and his drug habit causes Elvis to lay flopping around on the floor and he gets dumped in the wilderness by the lab guys from the turkey farm, since it looks like Elvis might end up “return to sender” if you know what I mean!

Elvis pulls through and wakes up to discover that he now has the head of a turkey! Elvis attempts to understand his plight by spying on broads, slitting people’s throats and drinking their blood. He also manages to saw a guy’s leg off!

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Elvis finally gets on his knees, apparently praying (he could only speak in gobbles so I could never understand what he was going on about) and some guys sneak up behind him and chop his head off. In a bizarre attempt at artistry that goes horribly wrong, the filmmakers choose to show a real turkey getting its head chopped off! And there’s still more movie to go!

Elvis is without question the stand out, but there are also many moments of universal truth in Blood Freak. A few of the highlights: Elvis’ lady friend wondering how a marriage between her and Turkeyhead would work out and what their kids would look like, the geezer in charge of the poultry plant constantly flubbing his lines, the fat guy attacking Elvis and stabbing his eye, and the on screen narrator who babbles about faith, fate, and the dangers of drugs. (When the narrator has his rather lengthy coughing fit near the end of the movie, I began to think that maybe someone should narrate to him about the dangers of chain smoking.)

© 2014 MonsterHunter

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