Author: monsterhunter

General Commander (2019)

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CIA dirtbag Hayes gets that middle of the night phone call the rest of us can only dream about. On the other end is a perturbed Steven Seagal. Steve has just gotten done murdering a dude in a parking garage that Hayes sent to kill him.

“Hayes. Listen to me you motherfucker. I know all your fucking immoral dirty rotten criminal shit and I don’t care. I got my own fish to fry.” And that’s just the opening pleasantries! By the time Steve is finished he has advised Hayes that if he keeps messing with Steve that not only will Steve kill him, but also his mother and dog! Damn Hayes, you never interrupt one of Steve’s fish fries! Dummy! Continue reading “General Commander (2019)” →

Monster Shark (1984)

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It was touch and go for awhile, but in the end Monster Shark persevered and got the win. Oh, I don’t mean he beat his human assailants. He got his prehistoric ass torched by an army of flamethrowers because we decided blowing him up wasn’t good enough. I mean that Monster Shark got more kills than the humans did.

Shockingly for a movie about an evil rampaging sea monster, the humans were killing each other at the same clip as that crusty old barnacle of a hideous beast was. It wasn’t until the very end when he wracked up a bunch of cheap kills during the final showdown that he pulled out the win. Continue reading “Monster Shark (1984)” →

Casablanca Express (1989)

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Pop quiz hotshot. You have a runaway train pointed at your platoon. What do you do? What do you do? Turns out to be a real easy question to answer for a Johnny Yank who’s on the the other train with his platoon. You take your bazooka and blow the piss out of it and the dirty no-good Kraut driving it! Give my regards to Uncle Adolph, you jackbooted, bratwurst sucking, Aryan dog turd!

Truth be told though, in Casablanca Express, our guys really didn’t kick as much Axis tail as I would have liked, but that was because super duper British secret agent Alan Cooper was doing a lot of it. And really, if it isn’t red-blooded Americans shooting, stabbing, and cussing out Nazis, there’s no one I would rather see do it than a British guy played by Connery. Jason Connery. Continue reading “Casablanca Express (1989)” →

The Medusa Touch (1978)

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If you had ever told me that trading a dirty fish tank for Sir Richard Burton (Cleopatra, The Robe) in a movie about a killer brain would be total downgrade, I would have been right to scoff at such an absurd suggestion.

But then I watched The Medusa Touch in which the viewer is subjected to almost two hours of Burton whining to his psychiatrist (Lee Remmick obviously cashing in on her supernatural notoriety from her role in The Omen. For his part, Burton was fresh off The Exorcist II, so he was just cashing in.) about how he keeps hoping people would die horrible deaths and then they did. After that, I couldn’t help but think wistfully back to the golden age of killer brain movies like Donovan’s Brain. Continue reading “The Medusa Touch (1978)” →

Along Came a Spider (1970)

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There are all sorts of twists and turns in Along Came A Spider, an ABC Moive of the Week starring Suzanne Pleshette and Ed Nelson as a couple of star-crossed psychopath lovers. Sometimes, you’ll think she’s crazy, sometimes you’ll think he’s crazy and sometimes watching the mindgames going on between her archeologist character and his physicist character, you’ll wonder if we shouldn’t just shut down all the universities and make people get real jobs where they don’t have so much free time to concoct meticulous murders and frame ups. Continue reading “Along Came a Spider (1970)” →

Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

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In the far future, the world has descended into chaos! It is a time of sorcery! It is a time of flying motorbikes and laser guns! It is a time of mutants! And most mind-shatteringly of all, it is time of people walking around! And standing around! And talking! And driving! This is the grubby, dull and economically budgeted world that Jared-Syn wants to rule!

But there is one Ranger, a Finder (whatever that means!) named Dogen, who has the guts (and leather pants) to hunt Jared-Syn down in his mountain fortress and talk all the guys with deformed faces out of naming Jared-Syn as their new chief. (Admittedly, Jared-Syn doesn’t help his cause much when he claims Dogen is lying about him just being all about the power and making everyone his slaves when moments later he announces that he is their master.) Continue reading “Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)” →