The incredible thing about Zombie 5: Killing Birds is that it manages to disappoint both fans of zombie movies and fans of killing bird movies. Continue reading “Zombie 5: Killing Birds (1987)”
Author: monsterhunter
Zombie 4: After Death (1989)
Has there ever been a movie in the history of the world that was any good and had a “4” at the end of the title? Zombi 3, for those of us still in therapy and repressing most of it, is the movie that Lucio Fulci began, but quit and that Bruno Mattei finished up for him. But don’t rip your own intestines out yet! This isn’t really a sequel! Shot simply as After Death, the slapping of the zombie tag on the film was merely a marketing gimmick! No need to worry that the film won’t utterly fail because it’s trying to continue whatever was happening in the previous gooey mess. It will utterly fail on its own merits! Continue reading “Zombie 4: After Death (1989)”
Miami Golem (1985)
At some point in Miami Golem, I realized that local TV reporter Craig Milford was quite low functioning, albeit still adept at handling a firearm and piloting an airboat through the Florida Everglades.
But it wasn’t because he only halfheartedly said it was crazy and didn’t immediately dump his new girlfriend when she said the strange things he recorded at the university lab weren’t a message from Atlantis but from aliens from another dimension. (If a woman is hot enough her crazy talk doesn’t really register.) Continue reading “Miami Golem (1985)”
The Keeper (2009)
Throughout human history Man has sought to refine existence to set of easy to remember basic immutable laws. First of course were the Ten Commandments laid down by Charlton Heston that covered such basics as not killing, stealing, or taking away our Second Amendment rights.
Then there were the 8 Simple Rules for Dating Teenage Daughters that comedian/philosopher John Ritter set forth in his weekly televised sermons before promptly dropping dead, no doubt the stress of having a hot daughter just too much, even with his rules being so simple.
But it is no surprise that it took acting giant (literally – check out his chins in this movie!) Steven Seagal to cut all these Byzantine guidelines on living your life down to just the essentials. Continue reading “The Keeper (2009)”
Lighthouse (1999)
This was one of those films that I wanted to like a lot more than I did. The premise had the potential for lots of grim chills. A ship load of prisoners bound for an island prison sinks after hitting some rocks. The survivors take refuge on a nearby island dominated by a lighthouse, a lighthouse that should have warned them about where these rocks were, but for some mysterious reason, the light was out! Continue reading “Lighthouse (1999)”
Revenge of the Gladiators (1964)
Surprisingly grim, Revenge of the Gladiators starts off like any number of rather lunkheaded sword and sandal flicks with its gladiator heroes, deranged emperor, silly-looking barbarians, convoluted schemes to betray whomever happened to have his back turned at a given moment, and Mickey Hargitay, but then gets progressively darker until our heroes are reduced to joining a group of religious refugees fleeing the disintegrating Roman Empire.
Truly a sobering experience, though Hargitay couldn’t resist tapping into that natural goofiness that was so much in evidence in Bloody Pit of Horror by telling the barbarians while they were torturing him that their women smelled like sheep! Continue reading “Revenge of the Gladiators (1964)”
Rainy Dog (1997)
Yuji is one of those hitmen who exudes that sort of anti-hero attitude that somehow makes guys who murder other guys for a living seem to be someone we would want to look up to.
Kicked out of his gang, he still does some freelance work. He runs around Taiwan shooting people in his long, white trench coat and sunglasses. He comes home and watches video clips from Gamera movies on his computer. He doesn’t talk much and he has really good hair. He even has one of those quirky superstitions where he refuses to go out in the rain because his grandmother always told him that it was bad luck. Continue reading “Rainy Dog (1997)”