Category: 1980s

Pray for Death (1985)

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This movie taught me about a ninja’s various superpowers. There’s the super strength which allows a ninja to open a locked door just by pushing it real hard. There’s also the super toughness that enables a ninja to withstand having a board of balsa wood smashed across his chest without apparent harm. Then you’ve got a ninja’s super gymnastic moves so that he can do cartwheels and flips during battles instead of just running here and there like us mere mortals are forced to get by with. But perhaps most astounding of all his battle skills is his super precognition!

Sho Kosugi’s wife wants to go live in the United States. Sho (Black Eagle, Revenge Of The Ninja, Rage Of Honor) is secretly a ninja though and says that America is too violent and no good can come of moving from the safety of Japan to the Unites States. Continue reading “Pray for Death (1985)” →

Equalizer 2000 (1987)

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When I was watching Equalizer 2000 and reveled in its non-stop shooting, explosions, and guys getting set on fire, I was like “fudge! I think I just died and went to heaven!” And you know what? I was fudging right! Because my heaven is a post-apocalyptic wasteland where dudes in shoulder pads and helmets drive beat up old cars with spikes welded onto the hoods! Because I know my God is a smooth-chested stud dressed in leather who doesn’t say a hell of a lot unless you count his massive gun belching death at evildoers as conversation! Because in heaven, there’s about one chick there and its Corinne Wahl! Continue reading “Equalizer 2000 (1987)” →

Stryker (1983)

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Stryker PosterStryker is the best post-apocalyptic movie not featuring Richard Norton (Equalizer 2000) that Cirio H. Santiago ever made! Like Dune Warriors (another post-apocalyptic film Cirio made without Norton), Stryker is all about a wasteland (surely the same Filipino rock quarry all of Cirio’s Mad Max rip-off movies are shot in) where water is scarce and bands of dirtbags in tricked out battle cars cruise around killing villagers they think have it. Compared to Stryker though, Dune Warriors comes off like the amateur hour and 15 minutes that it is, lacking the backstory, the strong central characters, and the pathos Stryker is blessed with! Continue reading “Stryker (1983)” →

Future Hunters (1986)

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For 20 minutes, Future Hunters is the greatest movie ever made. With its Richard Norton leatherpocalypse scenes of non-stop Mad Max-style cars racing around desolate rock and sand covered terrain and its violent shoot outs complete with exploding vehicles, it was like someone took Equalizer 2000 and Raiders Of The Sun and compressed them into a highly concentrated speedball of sneering and sweating ultra-manly aggression. It probably makes sense that that someone was director Cirio H. Santiago who also teamed up with Richard Norton and Rich’s leather pants to bring us Equalizer 2000 (in the same year no less!) and Raiders Of The Sun! Continue reading “Future Hunters (1986)” →

American Ninja (1985)

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The highlight of American Ninja is a fight between Michael Dudikoff and Steve James that sees the Dude choking Steve out with a garden hose before putting a pail on his head and urging Steve to try to hit him with a stick!

It’s a great scene made even greater because it concludes with Steve gaining a grudging respect for the Dude, what with the Dude being able to beat him down even while doing an impression of erstwhile Guns N’ Roses guitarist Buckethead. But it’s not so great a scene because it also happens to be the best thing about a movie that features the Dude battling endless waves of evil ninjas! Continue reading “American Ninja (1985)” →

American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)

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If I had a son, I would want him to grow up and be American Ninja 2! And if I had a daughter, I would want her to marry American Ninja 2 and have all of its ninja babies!

The best low budget action movie tag team of the mid to late 1980s, Michael “The Dude” Dudikoff and Steve “Died Way Too Young From Cancer” James are back in this follow up to the annoyingly routine original American Ninja. And they deliver the American Ninja movie that every American can be proud of! Continue reading “American Ninja 2: The Confrontation (1987)” →

American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt (1989)

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American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt was the martial arts movie where Michael Dudikoff finally received all the accolades he deserved! His rugged good looks, his sturdy and unforced use of a couple of different kicks and punches rivaled only by the soothing monotone he delivered his occasional lines of dialogue in, and of course his most awesome ninja skill of all, his epic hair do constantly reminding the audience of the Dude’s vaguely surfer-like kung fu greatness. And it’s to the Dude’s everlasting credit that he accomplishes all this in a movie he never even appears in! Continue reading “American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt (1989)” →