Category: 1990s

Curse III: Blood Sacrifice (1991)

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Curses involving goats have always haunted mankind. The most infamous is of course the one that Billy Sianis unleashed upon the Chicago Cubs when he and his billy goat were ejected from a World Series game involving the Cubs in 1945. Rightfully angered (because everyone knows farm animals are huge baseball fans), Sianis declared that the Cubs would never win again. And guess what? To date, they not only went on to lose the 1945 Series, but have never been back to the Series since!

Curse III: Blood Sacrifce smartly takes this most primordial of fears (goats ruining our sports), not so smartly eliminates the sports angle, but redeems itself by substituting a witch doctor and a machete-wielding sea monster! Continue reading “Curse III: Blood Sacrifice (1991)” →

Fist of the North Star (1995)

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North Star should never fight Southern Cross! It was a mantra repeated throughout this, the most PUBAR (pumped up beyond all recognition) of all post-apocalyptic Gary Daniels (Heatseeker, Pocket Ninjas) flicks.

Beyond the fact that I didn’t have the faintest idea what anyone was talking about though I guess it sort of made sense that a star shouldn’t fight an entire constellation, every time either Gary or his mentor, the surely embarrassed Malcolm McDowell, earnestly uttered this cryptic bit of philosophy, I became more and more convinced that if North Star ever did throw down with Southern Cross that it would be a punch-apocalyptic mess of kicks, grunts, and broken stuff! Continue reading “Fist of the North Star (1995)” →

The Expert (1995)

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When was it during The Expert that I realized I was watching the “Most Underrated Jeff Speakman Movie I Only Vaguely Remember Hearing About When It Came Out?” Was it when Speakman took his date to the museum with the giant statute of a woman who represented justice or liberty or whatever and proclaimed that he came for the solitude? Or was it when the warden of a prison proudly announced to the gathered media that he had catered that night’s execution? Surely, it had to be that time when Speakman was run over by a car in an alley behind a bar and then proceeded to beat the holy hell out of the four guys inside of it – all while rocking a kick ass jean jacket! Continue reading “The Expert (1995)” →

Street Knight (1993)

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Street Knight PosterJeff Speakman was the best super cop L.A. had ever seen. Graduated at the top of his class, special commendations from the mayor, key to the city, employee of the month, etc. But it all changed that fateful day while working a hostage situation where some crudbum psycho is holding a little girl at gunpoint threatening to blow her frigging head off. Jeff tries to talk him down, but some pud cop behind Jeff spooks the guy and he blasts the little girl’s melon clean off right in front of Jeff! Then he shoots Jeff, too! There goes that sweet parking space for being employee of the month! Continue reading “Street Knight (1993)” →

The Perfect Weapon (1991)

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PerfectWeaponPosterThe Perfect Weapon? The Perfect Speakman is more like it! This first film in the Jeff Speakman mythos (Street Knight is next) details his secret origin as Kenpo bad ass supreme and never lets up until Snap’s “I’ve Got The Power” plays as Jeff returns to Master Lo’s Kenpo Dojo to meet up with his lady, Jennifer! Apparently there are TV versions of the movie where Jeff actually interacts with Jennifer instead of staring wistfully at her from across the street earlier on in the story, but the TV versions are clearly for pussies!

With only 85 minutes to play with, this lightning quick kung fu chop to the nads of a movie had to make the choice to detail Jeff’s secret pole vaulting powers or the romance with Jenny. And just how is karate kicking his way into Jenny’s pants going to get him up and over the razor wire fence down at the docks during his quest for vengeance? Exactly. Continue reading “The Perfect Weapon (1991)” →

Dead Space (1991)

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What sort of movie is only 72 minutes long, but still has time for a slow motion love scene dream sequence? The sort of movie where the slow motion love scene dream sequence features the Beastmaster!

When you’ve got the Beastmaster prowling around a deep space research station, you can bet one of two things is going on: either he’s on the hunt for the most deadliest alien in the universe ever accidentally created by a couple of guys with an incubator or he’s on the make!

Thankfully for us fans of scenes of people running through hallways, anxiously watching computer monitors, and trying to avoid clunky moving space monsters, the sexy stuff is strictly the stuff of dreams in this one! Continue reading “Dead Space (1991)” →

Freedom Strike (1998)

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If we truly wanted to get this Middle East business settled once and for all, we need to do is what I’ve advised four Presidents to do – initiate the Dudikoff Option. The Dudikoff Option is so simple, it’s beyond bizarre that it hasn’t been thought of outside of several terrible thrifty action movies.

The scenario plays out like this: an evil and appropriately swarthy military leader in some Middle East country comes up with some scheme which threatens to make things even worse over there so the U.S. military deploys the only asset in its arsenal that has the required combination of third tier action hero status, bland to nonexistent personality (so as to not draw attention to himself during daytime invasions of various installations), and martial arts skills that will invariably barely be featured at all during the mission. Continue reading “Freedom Strike (1998)” →