Category: 1990s

Future Kick (1991)

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In the future, all our kicking will be done by cyborgs who wear large sunglasses! And in that very same terrifying future, only one cyborg will do his kicking for good! That’s almost by default though since we are repeatedly told that he is the last of his kind. Except for the evil cyborg played by Christopher Penn. At least I think Chris was playing an evil cyborg. Maybe he was just bleeding luminous green stuff because of his off-screen personal life.

Don “The Dragon” Wilson plays Future Kick, a cyborg who makes his living bringing in criminals for the reward money. Future Kick also was called Walker, but that was clearly his slave name. Plus, I rather doubt I would have ever bothered with the movie if it had been called Walker Kick. Don has all the credentials to convincingly play Future Kick since he’s the 88 time World Whup Ass Light Heavyweight Champion and is internationally recognized as the only man to make nearly as many Bloodfist movies. Continue reading “Future Kick (1991)” →

The Patriot (1998)

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ThePatriotCoverThere’s an outbreak in the mountains of Montana! An outbreak of Seagal! Steven Seagal plays the tan and puffy Dr. Wesley McClaren, a local doctor who specializes in homeopathic remedies and doesn’t mind trading his services with townspeople who can’t afford his quack treatments for the odd job around the office like fixing his cabinets.

It’s really only a token gesture on Seagal’s part since the old timer who’s going to fix his cabinets will likely be dead of kidney failure since he’s using Seagal’s patented diet and vitamin regimen instead of going to those big city doctors who want to put him on dialysis. Of course nowadays, the old fart could just knock back a six pack of Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt Energy Drink and be fixed right up. Continue reading “The Patriot (1998)” →

Deathfight (1994)

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They killed his favorite prostitute! They framed him for her murder! Sent to prison where he must learn to survive using only the skills that have made him the single best kickboxer in all of southeast Asia, Jack Dammeron’s life is about to get much worse!

His attorney, the very best legal beagle in all of southeast Asia is none other than his wife! Can she put aside her irritation with Jack for screwing hookers on business trips while he’s too self-centered to agree to have children with her to get an acquittal?

But her life is about to get much worse! She turns out to be pregnant! And the only way out of this serpentine mess is through the most dreaded of all competitions! Deathfight! Continue reading “Deathfight (1994)” →

Desert Kickboxer (1992)

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I don’t talk about it much because it’s pretty sacred and all, but I’m part Indian. And let me tell you, that part of me loved every minute of Desert Kickboxer! The alternately touching and thrilling story of Indian half-breed Joe Mullethawk grabbed me by the hair, threatening to scalp my very head with its double crosses, flashbacks, fighting, and yes, its loving!

Writer/director Isaac Florentine (U.S. Seals II, Special Forces, Savate, Cold Harvest) knows that no man is more manly than when he’s being haunted by the demons of his kickboxing past! Or when he’s using the tale of his haunted past to bang some pretty squaw who’s on the run from a drug kingpin! Continue reading “Desert Kickboxer (1992)” →

Chain of Command (1994)

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While Chain of Command is truly abominable on every level, it’s really almost Italian-esque in the pleasingly effortless way it manages to get so many of the little things we take for granted in movies so wrong. Like hair.

In looking back on the hair situation in this one, I can only surmise that Michael Dudikoff used his pull as premiere third-rate straight to video action star to make sure his hair was the best in the movie by default.

You had guys with hair slicked back. You had a guy with hair thinning in not one, but two spots on his head. You had a guy wearing a Richard Marx wig. (I had forgotten that pop singer Richard Marx had ever existed until I watched head bad guy Rawlings strut into an oil company and take it over and I said to myself without thinking, “hey, the head bad guy named Rawlings is wearing a Richard Marx wig.”) Continue reading “Chain of Command (1994)” →

Heatseeker (1995)

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Do you know how I knew that Heatseeker was far-fetched science fiction? Gary Daniels got his ass kicked. Twice. The second time, he was literally destroyed despite having all the latest cybernetic implants that supposedly made him the perfect killing machine. In fact, the whole movie was built around the concept that the company that designed the implants and that Gary worked for was holding a tournament to showcase just what a perfect killing machine he was. And it turned out that he got beat worse after he gets the implants than he did in his first fight when he was still all human! Continue reading “Heatseeker (1995)” →

Angel Town (1990)

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There’s a lot of stuff in Angel Town (directed by Eric Karson of Black Eagle fame) that doesn’t seem to go anywhere. Olivier Gruner‘s presence at Southern California University is good for about two scenes and nothing else. There’s some talk about Gruner training the Olympic team or something. There’s the flashbacks he has to his youth in France where he was treated poorly. And best of all, there’s the scene at the beginning of the movie when Gruner was still in France and a woman screws him in a cemetery! And he still decided to go to America! Continue reading “Angel Town (1990)” →