I’ll confess to being a bit skeptical about a zombie movie taking place in England, my main concern being that I was going to have a difficult time sorting out the humans with bad teeth from the zombies with bad teeth. How would they even tell themselves apart? Continue reading “28 Days Later… (2002)”
Category: 2000s
Shadow Man (2006)
Director Michael Keusch brings out the best in Steven Seagal. He got Steve to stab a bunch of folks in Attack Force and in Shadow Man he somehow convinces Steve not to rock his long black leather trenchcoat until the last third of the movie thus keeping the fanbase riveted to all the mayhem wreaked in budget-friendly Romania. Continue reading “Shadow Man (2006)”
Mach 2 (2001)
Again proving that college football stars are the closest things this planet has to superheroes, Brian “The Boz” Bosworth, former Oklahoma Sooner stud linebacker turned fourth-tier action star fights terrorists, flies a Concorde so expertly that he can avoid missiles launched by fighter pilots trying to shoot him down, and even manages to land the thing safely into a giant net! And he doesn’t even know how to freaking fly!
In fact, despite him being a captain in the Air Force, he was such a non-flying guy that his nickname was Washout! Good old Jack “Washout” Tyree! And he moans during one of his more convincing scenes that he always gets stuck with the shit jobs! Continue reading “Mach 2 (2001)”
Mercenary for Justice (2006)
I get the sense that Steven Seagal and director Don E. FauntLeRoy wound up 2005’s Today You Die, looked at what an awesome opera of action violence they wreaked and Don said to Steve, “if that’s what we could do when you’re just an armored car driver, what would happen if you were the most decorated veteran of the first Gulf War?” And Steve responded with, “and I was the leader of an elite team of mercenaries?” Don says, “that just might be one of our best projects of 2006!” Steve is nodding his chins and Don seals the deal with “have you ever been to Cape Town, South Africa, Steve?” Continue reading “Mercenary for Justice (2006)”
Black Dawn (2005)
Jonathan Cold is back! Presumed dead after his last deadly mission, Cold proves that when you’re the best in the business, and your business is doing dirty deeds for the Company, staying dead is sometimes even harder than saving the world!
I must confess that when I heard Cold was back in the game, two thoughts raced through my mind. The first one was that I couldn’t wait to see Cold use his unique talents to bust open whatever international terrorist scheme some third world dirtbag was attempting to unleash. The second thought I had was, “who the hell is Jonathan Cold?” Continue reading “Black Dawn (2005)”
The Silencer (2000)
It was when Michael Dudikoff‘s hitman with a heart of gold character broke out the model buildings and trees, announced it was Dealey Plaza and started droning on about the difference between a meat shot and a head shot, that I knew we were in the presence of probably the greatest assassin teacher in the world.
By the time he got done handing out the binder to his apprentice detailing all the ways to kill someone, the on the job training that saw him using paintballs to try and teach the undercover FBI agent to be a decent sniper and the two rules he lived by (target should never suffer, don’t kill innocent bystanders), I felt like I was ready to go out and start whacking marks myself. Continue reading “The Silencer (2000)”
Ninja: Shadow of a Tear (2013)
Here’s a tip for all you phony though thugs at the local evil dojo: when the gaijin with a dead look in his eye rolls into your little fight club, calmly removes his shoes and walks right up into a group of you demanding information, you better hope your Bronze Plan under the Affordable Care Act covers severe concussions, crushed windpipes, snapped arms, and ruptured spleens because you’re about to get a dose of all of it courtesy of that 21st century American Ninja, Casey Something or Other!
If you’re like me, when you heard that a sequel to Ninja was speeding toward you like one of the villains’ patented triple kicks, you were probably using all your ninja superpowers straining to recall exactly what movie Ninja was. White guy, ninja costume, maybe a sword and a broad involved in some fashion, sort of sucked, but not enough to really make you hate it? And it starred a guy who had dark hair, right? Continue reading “Ninja: Shadow of a Tear (2013)”