Category: 2000s

The 12 Dogs of Christmas (2005)

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Part of my court-ordered counseling I have to participate in involves me taking ownership of my problems. To that end, I feel compelled to own the fact that my favorite Christmas song is “Winter Wonderland.” There’s just something about getting married by a snowman that speaks to the sentimental fool in me.

And if “Winter Wonderland” is the greatest Christmas song of all time, then “The 12 Days Of Christmas” has to be the worst. In fact, it’s so bad I would even have to rank it below those trailer park Christmas songs like the one where mama was kissing Santa or that other one where grandma was getting run over by a reindeer. White trash sure do have interesting holiday traditions, don’t they? Continue reading “The 12 Dogs of Christmas (2005)” →

Into the Sun (2005)

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Steven Seagal stabs a guy in the neck with some chopsticks. He rams a dude’s head into a series of pachinko machines. He throws a guy out of a window. He even chops a guy’s arm off with a sword. With that laundry list of lethalness that Steve lays down in this film, I’m not quite sure where all this hate for Seagal is coming from.

I don’t know about anyone else, but when I see a Seagal movie, I’m looking for him to mete out justice and/or vengeance as often and as flamboyantly as possible. And it’s not like Seagal is just some boring killing machine who can’t be touched. He even got kicked in the head in this one! Continue reading “Into the Sun (2005)” →

Quicksand (2002)

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Quicksand PosterNew base psychiatrist Bill Turner shows up at his new post just in time to fail to talk a guy out of committing suicide right in front of him. Later that night at the officer’s club, a sleazy blond broad comes on to him, but it turns out she’s the general’s daughter and has been confined to base for stripping in public. Oh, and she’s also going to be his first patient. Yep, it’s going to be one of those kind of tours of duty for a bored-looking Michael “the Dude” Dudikoff.

The audience doesn’t fare much better as it suffers through a parade of alternately laughable, sordid, and just downright disgusting dialogue combined with a criminally insane lack of action from the Dude. When we have to hear the Dude ask his patient/prospective love interest if she had ever had sexual relations with her father, the viewer is likely to need a session on one of the Dude’s fancy leather couches that he brought to the Marine base from his practice in Chicago. Continue reading “Quicksand (2002)” →

Today You Die (2005)

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Today You Die DVD CoverAnymore these days, you’ll hear a lot of fair weather Seagal fans complaining about their supposedly fallen idol. He doesn’t hardly do any of his own fight scenes anymore! He’s too lazy to dub some of his own lines! He’s a big fat pig in a long trench coat! His straight to video movies make one long for the originality and artistry of Jean Claude Van Damme’s straight to video movies! His stringy pony-tail is nasty! Sure, when you decide to be nick picky like that, you’re going to find faults with just about anyone.

I’m not about to waste valuable review space defending the Man against the Seagalaholics who have fallen off the wagon – movies like Today You Die can do it much more effectively. Continue reading “Today You Die (2005)” →

Special Forces (2003)

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SpecialForcesCoverFreedom is awesome, no doubt about it. Super Bowl, college football, keg parties, new flavors of Doritos constantly appearing on store shelves, hyper-sexualized women, Jesus, and the best gosh dang flag ever! How can you not get a American-sized chubby just thinking about?

But as we all know from the bumper sticker every God-fearing citizen has on their Ford pick up truck, freedom isn’t free! For every real patriot out there loving the Home of the Brave, it seems like there’s a liberal, anti-Christian, or feminist out there just itching to turn this country over to a bunch of atheist socialists who take their marching orders from the United Nations, European Union, and Hezbollah. Continue reading “Special Forces (2003)” →

Submerged (2005)

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Submerged DVD CoverThis movie started out with a bunch of people getting shot in the head. I was hooked immediately. Actually, I’m exaggerating just a bit. It was when I saw the front of the DVD that I was hooked: Steven Seagal with a gun! And a submarine! They know what us undiscriminating fans of senseless violence and bloated up action heroes crave!

Director Anthony Hickox (Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth and couple of Dolph Lundgren movies you’ve never heard of) pulls every editing trick he can to keep things moving at a frenetic pace in spite of his star’s stunning immobility.

Lots of quick cuts and jittery action punctuated every now and again by a little slow motion (aside from Seagal’s perpetual slow motion) all combine to give the viewer the sense of being thrust into the confusing underworld of double agents and shifting alliances. Or it may just give you a headache. Continue reading “Submerged (2005)” →

Out for a Kill (2003)

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For reasons that elude me to this very day, wimpy archeologist Indiana Jones enjoys quite a large fanbase. This is a guy who spends most of his movies running from danger, peeing his pants over his snake-o-phobia, and getting tricked by sexy broads all while wearing that silly hat of his.

Throw in that movie where he teamed up with that annoying little Asian kid and that other movie where he teamed up with that annoying old Sean Connery and you’ve got a series of movies no real man should ever be caught dead admitting to watching, let alone liking. But what’s a real hoss like you or me to do when we’re after an old fashioned rip-snorting ass whip archeologist adventure flick? Continue reading “Out for a Kill (2003)” →