Category: 2000s

Attack Force (2006)

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At long last, Steven Seagal fans who like guys getting stabbed have a movie to call their own! Attack Force features our Rotund Rambo plunging blades into hopped-up Eurotrash like he actually cared if he saved Paris from having the diabolical drug CTX dumped in its water supply!

Of course, he really doesn’t care all that much; saving Paris is just an unfortunate by-product of getting revenge for the murders of his strike team at the beginning of the film. In fact, since Steve was actually shooting this movie in Romania and nowhere near Paris, he might not have even been aware that Attack Force took place in Paris. Same with his stunt doubles and the guy dubbing his voice about one-third of the time. Continue reading “Attack Force (2006)” →

I Am Omega (2007)

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When I saw that the last man on Earth had somehow ended up facing an army of the undead in a parking garage armed with only a pair of nunchucks, I wondered just how dimwitted all the other people who didn’t survive must have been. And when the last man on Earth saw a rabbit and giddily began chasing after it, I thought that perhaps this was some sort of scenario where a mutant virus had attacked the human brain destroying all those with I.Q.s over 50.

But when the last man on Earth got drunked up on a six pack of beer, took a whiz on some rocks and shouted, “I’m pissing on you, world!” I began to feel reassured because the one thing I’m looking forward to when the world ends is the ability to relieve myself on the go without worrying about someone whining about me watering his precious rose bushes. Continue reading “I Am Omega (2007)” →

Black Horizon (2002)

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Space…the final frontier…for Michael Dudikoff’s acting career! The Dude (American Ninja, Black Thunder caps off a quarter century of filmmaking the biggest (or at least as big as an extremely low budget would allow) way possible with 2002’s Black Horizon (aka Stranded) that sees him kicking ass in outer space, having kicked all of it on Earth already! And while he didn’t actually lay a whupping on anyone worse than making a few snarky comments as shuttle commander Ed Carpenter, he was kicking space’s ass by spacewalking all over it! Continue reading “Black Horizon (2002)” →

Air Strike (2004)

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“Let me tell you something. You read my fucking lips. I will never sign anything or admit to anything…that would slander my name, my God, or my country. You understand me? I loathe you. I despise everything you stand for. You’re a low life pathetic, drug-dealing, greedy, Petrovian piece of dog shit. That’s what I think of you. So if you have anything to say to me, say it right to my nuts.”

Captain Ben “Woodchopper” Garret does a great job of laying out what United States foreign policy ought to be with those words, words that are basically the twenty-first century version of our Declaration of Independence.

Garret has been held prisoner for weeks by the scumbag narcoterrorist Ivan. He’s been punched, kicked, beaten with metal bars, and even had a taser applied to his aforementioned nuts. Ivan’s greasy-haired henchman, Chicago, is trying to force Garret to sign some piece of propaganda buttwipe saying Garret committed war crimes or whatever, and Garret tells him what every single American better tell him in that situation. Continue reading “Air Strike (2004)” →

Out of Reach (2004)

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You know what I like about Steven Seagal? He isn’t afraid to go anywhere in the world to knock the crap out of some scuzz who’s up to no good. He went to Montana to fight an evil militia in The Patriot. He hung out in L.A. to thump some greasy Chechens in Black Dawn. And he even went to Uruguay to thwart a mind control scheme in Submerged. Uruguay? I didn’t even know there was such a place until I saw Seagal hijacking one of their submarines!

Out Of Reach sees Steve jet off to his most exotic locale (and apparently the home country of a lot of the budget) ever! To paraphrase the guy at the airport, “what is your business in Poland, Mr. Seagal? Business or pleasure? Or a sword fight to the death?”

The climatic sword fight though is only one of many memorable moments in a movie that punches all the right Seagal-Straight-to-Video buttons. Puffed up action hero? Check. Lots of people getting shot? Check. Poorly shot tae kwan fu fights? Double check! Seagal playing a former CIA employee (his old Company ID actually identified it as something called the CSA, but you know how tricky those black ops types are)? Mega check! Continue reading “Out of Reach (2004)” →

Noctem (2003)

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Okay, I had absolutely no idea that I needed another Night Of The Living Dead movie, but you know, made in Germany, until I watched a bunch of characters boarding up a farmhouse and shouting in that hideously abrasive language while distinctly somber Teutonic tunes played in the background.

Noctem looks much better than its meager budget, but the meager bit of it that passes for originality isn’t very good and manages to slather the film in a slimy coat of self-important philosophical and religious musings that made me think these zombies weren’t really operating at full tilt since Amy and Kusey had time to debate the Biblical implications of their situation.

Kusey runs the local video store and in between the piles of previously viewed copies of Big Mamma’s House on sale for three Euros, he finds Amy in pool of her own blood, a victim not of the zombies, but of her own botched suicide attempt! Continue reading “Noctem (2003)” →

Nautilus (2000)

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“He’s young, crazy as a shithouse rat and likes to play with bombs.” Again demonstrating that he’s the best at whatever it is he does, Australian kickboxing movie icon Richard Norton single-handedly tries to save the past, the present, the future, and most importantly of all, the movie from total cataclysmic collapse! Sometimes he does it by kicking punks in the head, sometimes by shooting them, and sometimes by giving us colorful dialogue you just don’t find in nearly enough movies.

Shithouse rats aside, Nautilus is pretty much a floater even by the relative non-standards of the time-traveling submarine movie genre. You can’t help but compare Nautilus unfavorably to the granddaddy of all submarine time machine movies, Beneath the Bermuda Triangle. Continue reading “Nautilus (2000)” →