To paraphrase Blade Runner‘s Roy Batty, I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe – a generic Michael Dudikoff movie remade as an even more generic Steven Seagal movie. Unlike Roy Batty though, my replicant ass didn’t drop dead all dramatically in the pouring rain after realizing this. And as a continuously relapsing Seagaloholic, my thankfulness for that hit Mach 5 as I watched Steve show the Dude how it is freaking done! Continue reading “Flight of Fury (2007)”
Category: Action
Born to Raise Hell (2010)
“Evil exists in every man. While some wrestle to contain it, I find it easier to embrace it.” When Steven Seagal unleashes this mumbled voice over at the very beginning of Born to Raise Hell, you would be right to question whether the Man in 4XL Black is deadlier with his guns, fists, or the bizarre dialogue (which is at once amusing and absurd) that he is prone to spew unintelligibly throughout films that usually find him in some crud hole whose only cinematic advantage is the readily available tax breaks and/or cheap foreign crews. Continue reading “Born to Raise Hell (2010)”
The Foreigner (2003)
Steven Seagal is one the great treasures of the cinema because no matter how terrible, low rent, dull and inept one of his films may be, he can be counted on to be completely nonplussed by it and to deliver at least a few classic moments you’ll never see anywhere else.
For instance, in The Foreigner, a muddled nonthriller as dreary as all the perpetually overcast Polish locations featured in the film, Steve somehow blows up a train station while pretending to take a whiz at a urinal while the bad guy is just standing around gawking. Damn Bad Guy, just be glad Big Steve didn’t have to go number two! Continue reading “The Foreigner (2003)”
Belly of the Beast (2003)
How did I know that Steven Seagal‘s Jake Hopper is the most coolly professional of all ex-CIA kick fu bad asses infesting Thailand? Was it because when he was informed that his daughter was kidnapped that his trademark catatonic squint never even wavered or threatened to slip into an indifferent squint? Was it because when his old friend betrayed him and was about kill him, Seagal’s response was “you’re just a trailer park bitch.”
Or maybe it was that when he was arrested after killing half of Thailand at a shoot out in a train yard, he resisted arrest by beating up the entire police station. But it also certainly could have been when he killed his old buddy after debating whether to kill him with his partner and Seagal practically yawned saying “he sealed his own fate” and then used every ounce of energy in his mountainous torso to almost shrug. Continue reading “Belly of the Beast (2003)”
Kill Switch (2008)
Are you tired of gearing up for your bi-monthly dose of Steven Seagal straight-to-video action movie mayhem only to find it an ugly, muddled mess about Steve being an ex-CIA agent who is forced to wreck a foreign country (which one depends on what country is offering tax incentives to shoot the film there) while dispatching various thugs, arms dealers, drug pushers, and rogue military elements as quickly as possible? With all the rapid fire headshots, neck snappings and stabbings, it’s like Steve is being forced by the ACLU or the Humane Society to put these guys out of their misery with a minimum of deadly force. It’s something akin to hiring Vincent Van Gogh to paint your house beige. Continue reading “Kill Switch (2008)”
Christmas Rush (2002)
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. A cop gets trapped in a large building battling a gang of thieves all by himself! And his wife is one of their hostages! And it’s freaking Christmas time! Wait – don’t stop me! Because another entry in the cinema’s best genre of film, the Die Hard genre, is always welcome!
Christmas Rush (also known by the generic action title Breakaway which just screams “cable TV movie no one will ever remember 5 minutes after it airs on TBS”) wisely lifts everything that made the original Die Hard not only the greasiest movie ever made, but frankly one of the crowning achievements of 50,000 years of human civilization, and adds the few cool things that somehow didn’t make it into it – a little religion and go karts! And a forklift! And a kid needing a bone marrow transplant! And most fantastically of all, an insurance company handing out a $200,000 check as a reward for Dean Cain helping to destroy their mall! Continue reading “Christmas Rush (2002)”
Cyborg Cop II (1994)
Cyborg cop is back! Except that there aren’t any cops who are cyborgs in it! You do get a pack of evil cyborgs. You also get a cop. So maybe the filmmakers accidentally left a comma out of the movie’s title.
But who really cares if there aren’t any mechanical police stiffly delivering their lines or wearing a vacant expression throughout the film. That’s what star David Bradley is for! Besides who needs a bionic arm that turns into a Gatling gun when you’re wearing a freaking fanny pack! That thing could hold extra pomade, spare pair of oversized sunglasses, or even a dead partner’s souvenir lighter which can be dramatically pulled out during the climax to finish off the rabid robot! Continue reading “Cyborg Cop II (1994)”