Do you remember when Snoopy used to sit on top of his dog house and type a story that started “it was a dark and stormy night?” If that dog ever buckled down and got beyond that first phrase, this would have been the movie based on his story. At least it would have been if his dark and stormy night involved a serial killer who was bumping off women with various physical deformities. Continue reading “The Spiral Staircase (1946)”
Category: Horror
Voices from Beyond (1991)
Lucio Fulci‘s penultimate film, Voices From Beyond is beyond awful and repeatedly threatened to plunge me into a catatonic state. I was hoping though that he was going out with a little class when it began since the word “prologue” came up and I had visions of a grizzled old sailor setting the stage for a tale of some foul deed done long ago and the resulting modern day ghost seeking revenge. I was a bit surprised then when the first scene consisted of two naked people humping each other. Holy crap, I thought! We were going to be haunted by really icky made-for-Italian TV softcore porn! Continue reading “Voices from Beyond (1991)”
Cruel Jaws (1995)
Has Bruno Mattei ever made a bad movie? Or at least a bad movie that I haven’t loved? The Auteur of Awful responsible for such varied success stories as Rats: Night of Terror (the best giant-rats-take-over-the-world movie ever!), Hell Of The Living Dead (crossdressers against zombies? That’s just common sense film making!), the literally excrement-filled Violence in a Women’s Prison, and the impenetrably fantastic mess that was aptly titled The Other Hell, checks in with his take on yet another junkfood genre – the killer shark movie! Continue reading “Cruel Jaws (1995)”
The Dunwich Horror (1970)
I’ve read a good portion of H.P. Lovecraft’s writing in my time and for the most part, I’ve found it enjoyable, in spite of the often times purple prose. Once upon a time I even read The Dunwich Horror story that this movie is based on. I don’t recall all the details of the story, but I’m confident that as I was reading it I never thought “this would make a great movie with Dean Stockwell and Sandra Dee!” Continue reading “The Dunwich Horror (1970)”
Beyond the Darkness (1979)
In Beyond the Darkness, Frank is a young dude with feathered hair who drives around in his red serial killer van while the familiar sounds of Goblin pump out on his bitching speaker rack as he heads off to pick up that baboon he ordered a few weeks before. Unfortunately this baboon doesn’t really play much more of a part in this film and is mainly used to introduce us to Frank’s hobby, taxidermy. Continue reading “Beyond the Darkness (1979)”
Against the Dark (2009)
As R.E.M. might have sung if they were actually cool, it’s the end of the world as we know it, and Steven Seagal feels fine! And if it was a disappointment that big Steve didn’t take the opportunity to sing such a song for the movie’s soundtrack as he’s done in past efforts (most notably the haunting for all the wrong reasons end credit song for Into the Sun), all of us Seagal-loving doomsday preppers can take solace that Steve’s sword and shotgun feel fine as well. As does his trusty 3XL size leather trench coat! Continue reading “Against the Dark (2009)”
A Virgin Among the Living Dead (1973)
This dreamlike (or haphazardly incompetent depending on how low your tolerance for 1970s Eurotrash is) tale of a naive gal from the city falling in with her deranged relatives at their country estate does a nice job showing how much of our perceptions about people are shaped by the culture we are raised in.
For instance, in America when you hear a gal is a virgin, you can take it to the bank that she has a skin condition, attends a bible college and dresses like Laura Ingalls Wilder’s conservative sister. In Europe though, their virgins are super models who have no problem carrying on conversations with total strangers while wearing only a shirt and sheer panties! Continue reading “A Virgin Among the Living Dead (1973)”