Let’s get the obvious out of the way right up front. Gargoyles is a straight up stone cold classic TV movie. It isn’t because of the story tough. Monsters hiding out in the desert who appear every 600 years or so? If you couldn’t get the job done back in the Middle Ages when our ancestors were pooping in the streets and probably chased you off with nothing more lethal than a garden hoe, I’m not worried about you going up against us now. Even when, as here, it’s some small town cops and dirt bikers. Continue reading “Gargoyles (1972)”
Category: Horror
She Waits (1972)
Despite Mark Wilson’s characteristically ugly early 1970s haircut I felt bad for him. He’s taking his new bride to meet his mother for the first time, an event fraught with peril even under the best of circumstances. Any dude who’s ever been married will tell you that more likely then not all that’s coming from that visit is that the two most important women in your life will be pissed at you simultaneously for something you had absolutely nothing to do with. Continue reading “She Waits (1972)”
Inseminoid (1981)
It’s admittedly a tough break for the space archeologists investigating the ruins on an alien world in a cave that the only thing they find is some strange markings on a wall, an exploding batch of evil crystals and an alien running a fertility clinic. With the team’s creepy doctor injecting all the women with birth control drugs, that’s like the last thing they need!
Being the disciplined and well trained group of explorers they are though, once team members start turning up dead, becoming possessed killers, and getting knocked up by horny aliens, their hours of drilling for just such worst case scenarios pays off as they coolly manage each successive crisis, right? Continue reading “Inseminoid (1981)”
Cruise Into Terror (1978)
Cruise Into Terror is a masterclass on the importance of a man keeping his woman satisfied in the bedroom. Ostensibly about a lost Egyptian tomb in the Gulf of Mexico (don’t ask – it was the 70s!), the film ably depicts the terrible things that can happen when a neglected woman is forced to copulate with the Antichrist’s babysitter! Continue reading “Cruise Into Terror (1978)”
Monster Shark (1984)
It was touch and go for awhile, but in the end Monster Shark persevered and got the win. Oh, I don’t mean he beat his human assailants. He got his prehistoric ass torched by an army of flamethrowers because we decided blowing him up wasn’t good enough. I mean that Monster Shark got more kills than the humans did.
Shockingly for a movie about an evil rampaging sea monster, the humans were killing each other at the same clip as that crusty old barnacle of a hideous beast was. It wasn’t until the very end when he wracked up a bunch of cheap kills during the final showdown that he pulled out the win. Continue reading “Monster Shark (1984)”
The Medusa Touch (1978)
If you had ever told me that trading a dirty fish tank for Sir Richard Burton (Cleopatra, The Robe) in a movie about a killer brain would be total downgrade, I would have been right to scoff at such an absurd suggestion.
But then I watched The Medusa Touch in which the viewer is subjected to almost two hours of Burton whining to his psychiatrist (Lee Remmick obviously cashing in on her supernatural notoriety from her role in The Omen. For his part, Burton was fresh off The Exorcist II, so he was just cashing in.) about how he keeps hoping people would die horrible deaths and then they did. After that, I couldn’t help but think wistfully back to the golden age of killer brain movies like Donovan’s Brain. Continue reading “The Medusa Touch (1978)”
Frankenstein Conquers the World (1965)
Frankenstein Conquers the World is yet another example of why it was such a bad idea for the Japanese to team up with Germany in World War II. In the waning days of the conflict, the Germans decide to do their Axis ally one last “solid” and deliver a mysterious briefcase to them. The case is opened once it is safely in a Japanese lab. Inside is a mint condition eternally beating Frankenstein heart! Thanks for that, Fritz! Continue reading “Frankenstein Conquers the World (1965)”