Category: Martial Arts

Cyborg (1989)

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As is the case with most of these post-apocalyptic cheapies from the 1980s that feature guys and gals dressed up like they were trying out for KISS’s “Lick It Up” video, the reason we’ve been transported to this potential future is so we can follow our hero on one of those dopey escort missions.

Once the world ends, escort missions are pretty much the only form of employment a good guy can get. It usually involves our boy having to get some chick (most likely the last hope for some type of vague salvation that isn’t ever really followed up on) to some place for some reason. This requires running a gauntlet of bad guys through various rubble strewn sets, abandoned warehouses, and sewers. Continue reading “Cyborg (1989)” →

Black Eagle (1988)

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An important piece of work in the history of the cinema, Black Eagle sees the passing of the torch from one of our greatest second-rate action heroes of the early to mid 1980s to one of our greatest second-rate action heroes of the early to mid 1990s as Sho Kosugi squares off with Jean-Claude Van Damme in a muddled cold war flick marked chiefly by both stars’ inability to speak English intelligibly.

Sho of course made his name in such fare as Pray For Death and Revenge Of The Ninja, before becoming irrelevant by starring in movies like Rage Of Honor where the ninja stuff was played down for more generic action.

JCVD was just getting his start at this time and though we should have guessed that he peaked with Bloodsport in 1988 once we got a look at the next year’s Cyborg, he continued to trick moviegoers off and on for the next ten years or so (mainly by being in movies where he played twins). Continue reading “Black Eagle (1988)” →

Angel Town (1990)

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There’s a lot of stuff in Angel Town (directed by Eric Karson of Black Eagle fame) that doesn’t seem to go anywhere. Olivier Gruner‘s presence at Southern California University is good for about two scenes and nothing else. There’s some talk about Gruner training the Olympic team or something. There’s the flashbacks he has to his youth in France where he was treated poorly. And best of all, there’s the scene at the beginning of the movie when Gruner was still in France and a woman screws him in a cemetery! And he still decided to go to America! Continue reading “Angel Town (1990)” →

Invasion U.S.A. (1985)

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Attention dirtbag terrorists! This invasion will be fought in a pair of tight blue jeans, frequently unbuttoned denim shirt, and with a pair of Uzis that conveniently hang from a shoulder harness at the ready for whenever you animals refuse to answer questions, try to blow up churches, school buses full of innocent kids, and entire shopping malls. Oh yeah, it will also be fought by just one man!

Ah, but you sons of pigs are probably saying in your ugly, thick, Russian accent, “he ees just von man, alone! Vat can he do?”

You want to try to tear this great country apart? Give it your best shot, because it’s 1985 and back then we had a one man Department of Homeland Security named Chuck Norris! Continue reading “Invasion U.S.A. (1985)” →

Scorpio One (1998)

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ScorpioOneCoverJeff Speakman (The Perfect Weapon, Running Red) plays Jared Stone, the leader of a team of Army Rangers flying on the Space Shuttle up to the Scorpio One space station. But there’s a rotten apple or four among all the people on the Shuttle (there’s as many bad guys as good guys on the flight!) and it isn’t long before dudes are having their helmets unsealed accidentally, depressurized in an air lock accidentally, or cutting Stone’s air hose accidentally. Hey, these space flights are a risky business! I’ve seen that Apollo 13 movie, so I know!

When the bad guys finally reveal their hand and you realize who their leader is, you’ll have no choice but to watch the rest of the movie about a foot away from your TV while standing! Because facing off against low-budget American action film legend Jeff Speakman is low budget Italian action film legend Brent Huff! Continue reading “Scorpio One (1998)” →

Out for Blood (1992)

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Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Esq. It’s the sort of phrase that conjures up a variety of dream-like images. There’s the one where Don The Dragon is doing research using Westlaw and gets so excited to find a case on point that he karate chops his secretary through the office water cooler. You could also be excused if you imagine The Dragon objecting to some bit of damning testimony so vociferously that he actually splits the counsel table in half while pounding on it for emphasis! And then there’s all those billable hours for “kicking the shit out of hostile witness” and “ex parte beat down of trial judge.”

Considering the positively abominably silly possibilities of forcing The Dragon to actually practice law in a movie, Out For Blood does a good job of not really letting his occupation as attorney have anything to do with the movie. The Dragon’s legal beagle stuff is confined to him wearing a shirt and tie and eyeglasses while sitting in his office once or twice and asking for a case file. He also beats up two thugs at a courthouse. Continue reading “Out for Blood (1992)” →

Out of Reach (2004)

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You know what I like about Steven Seagal? He isn’t afraid to go anywhere in the world to knock the crap out of some scuzz who’s up to no good. He went to Montana to fight an evil militia in The Patriot. He hung out in L.A. to thump some greasy Chechens in Black Dawn. And he even went to Uruguay to thwart a mind control scheme in Submerged. Uruguay? I didn’t even know there was such a place until I saw Seagal hijacking one of their submarines!

Out Of Reach sees Steve jet off to his most exotic locale (and apparently the home country of a lot of the budget) ever! To paraphrase the guy at the airport, “what is your business in Poland, Mr. Seagal? Business or pleasure? Or a sword fight to the death?”

The climatic sword fight though is only one of many memorable moments in a movie that punches all the right Seagal-Straight-to-Video buttons. Puffed up action hero? Check. Lots of people getting shot? Check. Poorly shot tae kwan fu fights? Double check! Seagal playing a former CIA employee (his old Company ID actually identified it as something called the CSA, but you know how tricky those black ops types are)? Mega check! Continue reading “Out of Reach (2004)” →