Quicksand (2002)

Quicksand PosterNew base psychiatrist Bill Turner shows up at his new post just in time to fail to talk a guy out of committing suicide right in front of him. Later that night at the officer’s club, a sleazy blond broad comes on to him, but it turns out she’s the general’s daughter and has been confined to base for stripping in public. Oh, and she’s also going to be his first patient. Yep, it’s going to be one of those kind of tours of duty for a bored-looking Michael “the Dude” Dudikoff.

The audience doesn’t fare much better as it suffers through a parade of alternately laughable, sordid, and just downright disgusting dialogue combined with a criminally insane lack of action from the Dude. When we have to hear the Dude ask his patient/prospective love interest if she had ever had sexual relations with her father, the viewer is likely to need a session on one of the Dude’s fancy leather couches that he brought to the Marine base from his practice in Chicago.

Thankfully this patient (Randi) denies she’s having any sort of sexual relationship with her father, but she does get into a fight with her father where she utters perhaps the most egregious bit of dialogue ever used in a Dude film when she snarls at her dad, “Even if you weren’t my father I wouldn’t let you go last in a line up to cluster fuck me.”

And though Randi is not playing hide the sausage with her dad, she engages in enough skanky behavior, makes gross references to her daddy’s gun, and talks about being dirty and naughty all the time that you know something else is going on.

Quicksand 1

That something else is pretty obvious once you find out that Randi has a sleazy politician brother. But one sleazy politician playing Flowers in the Attic with his sister isn’t really enough of a story for the Dude to get involved in is it?

Of course not! You don’t think the Dude moved that expensive leather furniture all the way down from Chicago to the Marine base in Arizona (unconvincingly played by Indian filming locations) just to hand out some incest survivor counseling to his new girlfriend, do you? Heck no! There’s a conspiracy afoot involving a new experimental drug being prescribed to soldiers on the base and leading to suicide!

Of course it goes without saying that his new girlfriend is taking the drug. It also goes without saying that the conspiracy is convoluted and makes very little sense.

Quicksand 2

There’s an evil drug company who can’t get FDA approval for one of their drugs so they paid the politician brother a bunch of money so that they could test it on the soldiers on base and somehow that would speed up FDA approval. Because we all know that the FDA only fast tracks approval of new drug once it gets the results of an illegal and secret study done by a drug company. (I think the brother hopes that when his sister takes the drug she’ll commit suicide as well so that she won’t be an embarrassment to his campaign.)

This is all clearly quite stupid on a cosmic scale, even in the context of a Michael Dudikoff movie, but it’s all redeemed when the American Ninja breaks out his own brand of concussion-inducing cognitive behavioral therapy on all the evil nitwits behind this scheme, right?

Unfortunately, it seems that the Dude let his martial arts training take a back seat to his psychiatric studies because he’s involved in about one fight scene. And it sees him pummeled by three regular MPs who beat him up and steal his briefcase like he was some four-eyed twerp at grade school getting his lunch money stolen from him! It’s only because of our abiding faith in the Dude that we didn’t suffer an immediate psychotic break upon witnessing this unbelievable turn of events.

Quicksand 3

By the time the Dude finds himself involved in the dumbest car chase (there’s a particularly exciting sequence where the Dude drives a jeep in a circle over and over) in the history of low budget, lazy, end of b-movie career films, you start wondering if you, he and normally spectacular director Sam Firstenberg (Avenging Force, American Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja) weren’t secretly lobotomized during one of the parts of the film when characters were threatening the Dude by gesturing toward his college degrees and snarling “I’m going to wipe my ass with those certificates!”

The concluding confrontation between the brother, sister and the Dude simply confirms the diagnosis that all involved in Quicksand need some sort of intervention before they are allowed near a movie set again. Randi and her brother scream at each other while the whirling camera work that should have included a seizure warning prior to the scene, apparently affected the Dude as much as the audience because he looks on like he was watching one of Randi’s cluster fucks!

Despite this having all the hallmarks of a project that showed the Dude barely had any interest in continuing with acting, he did manage to acquit himself reasonably well in his next and final feature, Black Horizon, which while terrible, at least was entertaining and didn’t cause me to want take a hot shower and rub myself raw because of how filthy and dirty Quicksand made me feel.

© 2013 MonsterHunter

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