The island paradise of San Felipe has undergone a revolution! The charismatic General Siqueiros has assumed control! Those assisting him though have an agenda far beyond a simple dictatorship of a inconsequential banana republic! They’re scheming to put the entire world at their mercy through the mad scientist Karlesten’s efforts to develop a deadly missile-carried gas! And only one man can stop him! Walter Ross, Agent 3S3! And he not only has a license to kill, but also a license to spank! Continue reading “Agent 3S3, Massacre in the Sun (1966)”
No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)
Mental illness can have a devastating impact on a person’s life. Relationships with family and loved ones are jeopardized. The ability to hold a job can become difficult to near impossible. And in extreme cases it can even lead to self-harm. But there is a bright side to being crazy as a shithouse rat – you may just be crazy enough to train your kung fu skills to an elite level such that an impromptu match against a young Jean-Claude Van Damme leads to you using all your psychotic strength to kick his ass entirely out of the boxing ring! Continue reading “No Retreat, No Surrender (1986)”
Platoon Leader (1988)
You might not expect that a Michael Dudikoff movie about him in charge of some grunts in Vietnam would be very realistic. It would be easy to believe that the Dude would at some point don his American Ninja gear and start kickfighting up the Ho Chi Minh trail all the way to North Vietnam until he kicked ol’ Ho Chi himself right in the nads!
But this isn’t really a Michael Dudikoff movie that happens to take place in Vietnam so much as a Vietnam movie that happens to have the Dude in the lead role. Gaudy ninja costumes are traded in for sweaty, dirty fatigues and evil overlords with armies of well trained martial artist henchmen are replaced by the faceless enemy who seems to pour out of the jungle without notice and without mercy. The Dude himself is no infallible superman here. He even gets his ass blown up twice! Continue reading “Platoon Leader (1988)”
River of Death (1989)
Michael Dudikoff in a Indiana Jones-inspired adventure battling Nazis and in search of a lost city in the Amazon! How can that movie possibly be anything other than jungle action movie nirvana?
Well, for starters, the movie turns out to be Michael Dudikoff in a Indiana Jones-inspired adventure battling Nazis and in search of a lost city in the Amazon! Yeah, the second time you read it, reality starts to sink in. Just wait though if you make the mistake of actually watching it! Continue reading “River of Death (1989)”
American Ninja 4: The Annihilation (1990)
Exceeding all reasonable expectations, American Ninja 4: The Annihilation not only teams up both American Ninjas (Michael Dudikoff and David Bradley), but is really two American Ninja movies in one!
There’s the first movie taking place during the initial 45 minutes that has David Bradley assuming center stage kicking tail until he gets captured by the bad guys. The second even better movie (because it doesn’t star David Bradley) finishes things off and is the tale of original American Ninja Dudikoff grudgingly going on a mission to rescue Bradley and the other people Bradley got taken hostage with his less than junior varsity American Ninja skills. Continue reading “American Ninja 4: The Annihilation (1990)”
American Ninja V (1993)
Humiliated and marginalized by the real American Ninja Michael Dudikoff in American Ninja 4: The Annihilation, replacement American Ninja David Bradley chases a measure of redemption in this, the final movie in the American Ninja franchise.
That American Ninja V has nothing to do with the franchise is really for the best since Bradley is further embarrassed by being teamed with a mouthy child sidekick named Hiro who lugs his gigantic handheld gaming device, the Stone Age Era Sega Game Gear, all the way to Venezuela to tag along with Bradley on a mission long on gargantuan coincidence, woeful attempts at buddy comedy and short on anything to justify the movie’s intense ninja training-like 100 minute running time. Continue reading “American Ninja V (1993)”
American Samurai (1992)
Taking the worst bits of American Ninja (dopey origin story) and the worst bits of American Ninja 3, 4, and V (David Bradley), American Samurai dishonors those spiritual predecessors even more than could be imagined as it improbably adds scenes shot through strange filters such that I thought I was unwittingly tricked into watching an Alejandro Jodorowsky film.
Things thankfully got back on track though before I could commit hari kari as reporter David Bradley flew off to Turkey to bicker with his woman photographer where the expected reference was made to Midnight Express as well as the unexpected reference to David Hasselhoff. Continue reading “American Samurai (1992)”