Ahmed wears a carnation on his suit whenever he’s out and about trying to kill those who would defend and fight for freedom! He goes undercover with his sinister Chinese partner (Mei Lang) at a flower shop that magically transforms into an antiques store whenever the police come to investigate! Most diabolically of all though is that he even works on cross breeding different flowers all the while he’s got the good guys locked up in his secret lair, his hideous evil culminating when he announces the creation of a brand new flower that he calls…Oriental Sunset! Continue reading “The Spy Who Loved Flowers (1966)”
Superseven Calling Cairo (1965)
Superseven is the guy who gets the assignments that James Bond would reject as not flashy enough. Thwarting supervillains bent on world domination and equipped with monstrous secret bases is one thing, but recovering the zoom lens from a primitive video camera is something best left to a junior varsity squadder like Superseven. Or the guys from the old TV show Riptide. Continue reading “Superseven Calling Cairo (1965)”
Mystère (1983)
Presumably the French high-priced call girl Mystère is supposed to be a super sexy broad what with her heavily made up face and flawless features. Why else is everyone prepared to pay her something along the lines of $1000 to sleep with her? Personally, I found her just a bit on the nasty side of super skeevy since she turned three freaking tricks in a single night! Later on when she’s trying to escape a would-be killer, I was just thankful that she could still walk, let alone scurrying around her roof in an effort to fend him off! Continue reading “Mystère (1983)”
The 36th Chamber of Shaolin (1978)
The place is China, a billion years ago when the Tartars had invaded and subjugated the people, ruling over them with an iron fist. Unable to defend themselves, they look wistfully to the temples of Shaolin where the monks know the ancient art of kung fu.
If only they would teach the common people their ways (but not make them shave their heads), they could rise up against their oppressors, kick them out, and make China once again safe for freedom to take hold in the form of Communism. But the teaching of kung fu is forbidden to outsiders. The monks only desire to hang out at their temple, keeping it clean in between workouts! Continue reading “The 36th Chamber of Shaolin (1978)”
The Beyond (1981)
Everything starts innocently enough when a mob of angry townspeople in the Louisiana bayous way back in 1927 invade The Seven Doors Hotel and brutalize a painter staying in Room 36. There is also a book involved with the title “Eiobon” which is one of those books that some off screen voice always reads from promising gloom and doom for dopes foolish enough to buy the old Seven Doors Hotel.
To the beginning bed and breakfast owner, it sounds a bit like a money pit. The unscrupulous real estate agent in me though is already trying to figure out how to work “every room comes equipped with a luxurious gateway hell and HBO” into the inevitable listing once the new owners get trapped in the zombie-infested basement! Continue reading “The Beyond (1981)”
The Ark of the Sun God (1984)
Proving once again that old saw that anything Hollywood can do successfully, the Italians can do cheaper and with Antonio Margheriti, The Ark Of The Sun God starring David Warbeck is Rome’s low-budget rip of Raiders Of The Lost Ark. However, what The Ark Of The Sun God lacks in originality and funding, it makes up with in Trans-Am chases. Continue reading “The Ark of the Sun God (1984)”
The Black Cat (1981)
This is a slasher movie from Lucio Fulci (The House by the Cemetery) with a black cat playing the part of the slasher. It actually doesn’t really make as much sense as all that, but none of the rest of the parts in the movie ever seemed to add up to anything beyond their apparent disconnectedness, so that’s what I managed to boil things down to. Continue reading “The Black Cat (1981)”