The Spy Who Loved Flowers (1966)

The Spy Who Loved Flowers 2014 PosterAhmed wears a carnation on his suit whenever he’s out and about trying to kill those who would defend and fight for freedom! He goes undercover with his sinister Chinese partner (Mei Lang) at a flower shop that magically transforms into an antiques store whenever the police come to investigate! Most diabolically of all though is that he even works on cross breeding different flowers all the while he’s got the good guys locked up in his secret lair, his hideous evil culminating when he announces the creation of a brand new flower that he calls…Oriental Sunset!

Superseven calling FTD! Superseven come in! We’ve got a guy not only trying to sell a deadly gadget that resembles a high class silver dildo to the highest bidder, but is making his dinner centerpieces too large!

Back in 1966, eager audiences who apparently didn’t know any better and were likely fooled by the nifty poster art had to wait an entire year for another Superseven adventure following his trip to the Pyramids in Super Seven Calling Cairo. This time secret agent Martin Stephens (Roger Browne) tracks the floral fiend all the way to Athens where director Umberto Lenzi gets another chance to use a historical location (the Acropolis) to show us that Martin’s codename should have been Stupidseven.

Martin has forced a captured Mei Lang to set up a meeting with her elusive boss, the Great Dragon, at the Acropolis. Martin, demonstrating the training that saw him loitering around the Great Pyramids in his previous film just waiting for a break in that case, this time stands right behind Mei Lang, looking every bit the secret agent who is forcing this chick to set a trap for her master.

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If that wasn’t bad enough, Martin stands around with his thumb in his butt while Mei Lang not so subtly uses hand gestures to indicate that Martin was right next her. I suppose it’s meant to be quite dramatic, but it’s laughable because Martin is pretty much the only guy standing menacingly next to her. Of course, when you later find out that the Great Dragon knew who Martin was all along, the scene just comes off as ill-conceived and completely extraneous.

Other bad Eurospy conventions are repeated by Lenzi in this film as well. There’s the nightclub scene that actually improves on the one from the previous film, moving it from the merely forgettable drumming action of Super Seven Calling Cairo to the coed dancing by a group called the Mimis.

Their number is so boringly idiotic that you wonder if Lenzi might have had it left over from one of those sword and sandal movies that frequently made use of extended dance scenes to give our blown up muscle-bound hero a chance to catch his wind again.

And remember the embarrassingly low rent gadgets that Superseven got saddled with in his first movie? Don’t worry, he doesn’t have to make do with such cruddy discontinued spy gear as the shoe bomb, ink pen gun, or the shaver/transmitter this time around! In fact, he doesn’t get any gadgets at all!

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He has a gun as well as some karate, but the closest thing to a wacky Superseven gizmo we get is the harpoon he almost uses on the Great Dragon! (An unfortunate car bomb intervened before Superseven could recreate one of Jason Vorhees’ most pleasing kills.)

Superseven’s mission itself doesn’t even inspire much in the way of breathless anticipation as he’s sent out to kill three people who may have memorized a formula related to the silver dildo he stole from a chick at a bullfight. Even Superseven has enough sense to sniff out that this mission stinks as bad his perpetually sweaty self does, complaining about it to his boss before trudging off to do what he does best. (But not as well as James Bond, which one of the bad guys manages to comment on!)

The mission is such a milk run that Superseven ought to be put on suspension for not immediately assuming a double cross was in the works.

If nothing else, he should have questioned a little harder the wisdom of a plan that involved him flying all over the world to kill these guys one at a time when it would have made much more sense to send out agents simultaneously to kill these guys so they wouldn’t be tipped off when hearing that one of their compatriots had been killed by Superseven.

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Still, these are the same guys who sometimes try to kill Superseven and other times just capture him and fret over whether Superseven really has sent one of those envelopes full of proof to be opened in the event of his death or disappearance which will prove everything!

Of course, if he really sent it or if his proof was really worth a crap, Superseven would have advised them of this the first time they captured him or he would have just sent it without any conditions on opening it up.

The bad guys aren’t any smarter since instead of just going and checking to see if he really sent something (it was an inside job, so they surely could’ve gotten access without arousing suspicion), they concoct an elaborate scheme that would have Superseven dying in an accident that his traitor buddy miraculously survives! Naturally, it immediately backfires.

A decided lack of action (Superseven does accidentally run through a carnival though), a plot where every so often characters are prone to stopping what they are doing to give a speech explaining everything that has happened and why they are doing something, and Superseven getting a female sidekick in such an illogical fashion (she just happens to keep showing up right when he’s trying to kill people in different cities) that I spent most of the movie just assuming she was a secret agent herself (she wasn’t), all add up to a flick that couldn’t even give us a good catfight scene between Superseven’s old lady and Mei Lang!

For obvious reasons, this was the final Superseven adventure. For reasons much less obvious, Lenzi and Browne would team up again the next year for another Eurospy effort, Last Man To Kill.

© 2014 MonsterHunter

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