Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II (1993)

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II Japanese PosterThis is actually the third movie that features Godzilla‘s chrome Doppelganger, though it is the first time humans and not aliens have piloted it. They don’t have any better results than when the aliens were in the cockpit, but they do manage to send Godzilla back to the ocean and award him custody of a cutesy baby Godzilla, so we can pretty much call Godzilla the loser in this one.

Every movie needs a laugh out loud moment and this one’s is when it is announced that Godzilla has two brains and one is in his ass! The people of G Force (the humans whose full time job is to get humiliated by Godzilla) mysteriously fail to see the humor in this and just point to a diagram of Godzilla showing one brain in his head and one much further down, obviously located in his poop shoot and blandly refer to the second brain as being located “there” and “in this location.”

I kept waiting for someone to jump up and say, “you mean he has two brains, one of them is in his caboose, and you want us to shoot a bunch of missiles up his Hershey Highway? Where do I sign up?”

Things really get rolling once we travel to an island where a giant egg is discovered. Real Godzilla fans know that the presence of an egg the size of a Ford Focus usually portends the unwelcome appearance of a set of twins with migraine-inducing voices that speak in unison, but this movie bucked that trend by only having a pair of these vocally-challenged nitwits appear briefly as the head of an ESP school. (What does it say about your movie when you have an ESP school that gets so little screen time that it doesn’t even qualify as one of the stupider moments?)

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It’s immediately loaded up in a helicopter because Japanese environmental policy is to transport monster eggs to the nearest populated area for research and rampage purposes. Guess who shows up to object to having its egg thieved? Rodan! Guess who shows up because he’s got that familiar feeling in his ass that there’s another monster in the vicinity that needs a beat down put on it? Godzilla! Rodan and Godzilla rumble for awhile while the humans with the egg look on and eventually fly away after getting bored.

Back in the city, they figure out that the egg turns red when it gets upset or angry. Great. It’s a mood egg. Luckily for the egg’s emotional well-being, there’s a lady scientist there who has a calming effect on it.

Along with the egg, there was some ancient plant life recovered and somehow or other it was determined by the students at the ESP school that the mysterious force the plant’s leaves were giving off was music. (Maybe this ESP school appeared in the movie a little too much after all.)

They play a tape of the music and this causes the egg to hatch and out pops a little Godzilla! The scientists promptly announced that it was a Godzillasaur which was the same as Godzilla except it’s a wimpy vegetarian!

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The woman with the connection to the egg also has a connection to this thing and whenever it gets upset, its eyes turn red and she has to stroke its head to get it to calm down. She names the little bugger Baby and thus begins the worst moments of any Godzilla movie. Listening to this ninny prattle on about how “Baby is upset” and “Baby deserves to live like any other animal!” while this ugly little creature stands next to her with its gigantic eyes and two big fangs is enough to give your own butt brain a seizure (and if you’re watching this film, you definitely have a butt brain).

The lowest point in all this though has to be when Baby is told by his foster mom that she has to leave him and he has to go live with his biological dad (or mom or whatever sex Godzilla is this movie) and Baby starts to cry! It’s one thing for me to be watching a movie about guys in rubber suits body slamming each other, but I’m not some kind of weirdo who wants to see guys in rubber suits bawling their fake eyes out!

But what about MechaGodzilla? The first battle is before G Force knows about Godzilla’s ass-for-brains gimmick so they try shooting Godzilla full of energy, but they just end up getting feedback and the robot stands there stunned until Godzilla walks over to it, pushes it down and looks at it disdainfully for being such a puss.

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Later, shooting Godzilla in the butt seems to work for awhile, but I was disappointed that there wasn’t a better shot of Godzilla bugging his eyes out and his mouth forming a surprised “o” once he starts feeling all these nuclear suppositories being delivered into his lower brain. Godzilla is saved from his most embarrassing defeat when Rodan is revived by Baby being stressed out over something. Rodan gets shot down by MechaGodzilla but as luck would have it, he falls out of the sky and lands on Godzilla.

You can pretty much guess what happens from there: he transfers all his “Rodan energy” to Godzilla which is sort of like when Popeye pops a can of spinach. Okay, maybe you didn’t guess that.

There wasn’t a whole lot in this movie that made any sense and it didn’t have much focus, what with the relatively pointless appearance of Rodan and the embarrassingly inept Baby story line. At one point we had to watch Baby’s foster mom feeding the vegetarian Baby cheeseburgers! There was also the precious moment when Baby was chewing on a tennis shoe.

Godzilla does what he can with things, getting in his signature spot where he incinerates that oil refinery they always rebuild in the same spot on the coast, but he doesn’t seem overly motivated to do much of anything else in this movie. Way too long and way too much Baby for anyone’s taste. Exactly what you would expect from a series whose idea of character development is for their franchise character to develop a mind between its butt cheeks.

© 2015 MonsterHunter

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