Godzilla vs. Megaguirus (2000)

Godzilla vs. Megaguiras Japanese PosterGodzilla‘s appearance in his twenty-fourth movie is distinguished chiefly by him pretty much standing around biting a big dragonfly.

Toho, having been at this for something like forty years, knows just how to stretch such an obviously lackluster premise into a movie that is well in excess of an hour and forty minutes. How do they do it? With the liberal use of what I call “Godzilla Helper.”

Godzilla Helper are the chunks of plot inserted in between the Godzilla battles to give the movie a more “feature film” feel. By that, I mean the movie lasts longer than twenty minutes. The problem with Godzilla Helper is that it is used to stretch the good stuff, you know the stuff you actually paid money to see.

I didn’t pay to see stupid people flying around in their model planes while wearing their blue jump suits and bragging that they belong to some group that sounds like one of those cartoons that existed to sell cruddy action figures no kid wanted anyway. In this case they are called the G Graspers. I suppose the G stands for Godzilla, but from what I could tell the only thing they were grasping at were straws.

This is one of those organizations that the makers of the recent spate of Godzilla movies seemed fond of creating. But all those lame organizations like G Force from Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II failed! How are the G Graspers going to avoid the same fate and succeed? They’re going to suck Godzilla into a miniature black hole!

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I don’t know how they thought that up, but they seem to think that just because nothing can escape a black hole that it could likewise beat Godzilla.

Somehow they get a cute little bitty black hole invented in about a week. They test it and the air gets all messed up and wavy and a strange creature flies out of it. It’s a really big dragonfly and it flies around and manages to leave one of those dang monster eggs that seem to infest Japan.

Meanwhile Godzilla has been lured to an island by the G Graspers in an effort to fire the black hole gun at him. The only problem is that now all these little dragonflies from the egg are attacking Godzilla and sucking power from him. This messes up the targeting system on the gun, but once Godzilla starts taking care of business with his famous bad breath, the dragonflies leave and the G Graspers fire the gun at Godzilla. And miss!

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The little dragonflies that have sucked up Godzilla’s power locate the carcass of the adult dragonfly that Godzilla previously stomped and inject it with all this magic Godzilla juice.

It acts pretty much like monster creatine because this thing comes back to life and the next thing you know, some dude in a white lab coat is explaining to the G Graspers and us that it is Megaguirus and it’s really mean. How do they always know the names of the monsters in these movies? Is there some kind of government list for naming them like they have with hurricanes?

I don’t even think that Godzilla bothered taking the warm-ups off for this one. It had to be one of the shortest and weakest of his many fights. Really though, could you expect anything else when he was fighting a dragonfly? What’s next? Head lice? Scabies?

Godzilla simply stands there and watches this thing fly around and beat its wings and try to look all tough with its red eyes and pincers. It didn’t look like Big G even broke a sweat and he was relegated to doing one ridiculous looking frog splash on Megaguirus.

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The other highlights of this clash involved Megaguirus thumping Godzilla on the head a few times. It also pinched him for good measure. Then Megaguirus came at Godzilla and tried to throw its rear end mounted stinger down his throat. Godzilla just bit it off! I was cringing for that poor dumb dragonfly when that went down.

Godzilla finished him off real fast after that and then the G Graspers tried to use their black hole weapon on him again. This time they hit him and he disappears, but hardcore Godzilla fans will want to watch until after the credits are over to find out how effective the Graspers and their fancy gun were!

There really isn’t anything to recommend about this film. You watch these to see monsters get it on and that means you need monster fights and good monsters. You get neither here. The dragonfly reeked of something that would have been merely a supporting monster in one of the old movies. Somebody that just kind of hung out on Monster Island with Manda and the big spider to fill out the roster. It sure isn’t anything to build a whole movie around. A pointless and forgettable entry in a series full of pointless and forgettable entries.

© 2016 MonsterHunter

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