Attrition (2018)

As the latest quarterly under-the-radar action movie release from Steven Seagal unfolded in comfortably familiar fashion with Steve leading a team of mercs on a mission to take down a human trafficking ring resulting in lots of scum getting shot, Seagal using his special ops hand signals that really just signal how awesome he is and of course failing in their mission to rescue a woman being held prisoner, I watched with bemused anticipation.

With Seagal’s over-the-top narration about how horrible war is and him retreating to a cave to grow a long beard and praying to a statue of Buddha in an effort to find peace with the terrible things he’s done, I knew we were in for an elite edition of Steven Seagal Self-Indulgent Theater. Continue reading “Attrition (2018)”

Blackbelt (1992)

If you’ve ever wondered why all those Italian slasher movies feature models getting stalked instead of some other occupation, Blackbelt provides the answer. Don “The Dragon” Wilson‘s movie features a singer being stalked by a crazed fan. Since she is a singer there are scenes of her singing and filming a music video. Spoiler alert! Crazed fan’s total derangement is not caused by repeated exposure to singer belting out one of her rancid pop tunes! Continue reading “Blackbelt (1992)”

To the Death (1992)

Flawed kickboxing champ BJ Quinn has cleaned up his life and ironed out a lot of the character deficiencies he proudly displayed in American Kickboxer. He’s quit drinking, settled down and married his girlfriend, and is finally retiring from the sport and the violence that has been his life!

He’s even taken a stand against profanity, responding to his rival calling him an unflattering twelve letter word with “you shut your foul mouth and you hit the road! Look, I don’t need this shit!” Exactly B.J.! Guys like us living a straight edge, no profanity life don’t need some asshole polluting our gentlemanly air! That’s total bullshit! Continue reading “To the Death (1992)”

American Kickboxer (1991)

He is the kickboxing middleweight champion of the world. He’s not above using an elbow during a match and acting like a jackass between rounds by sreeching his trademark banshee cry. He’s got a potty mouth, a drinking problem, is a jealous turd who tells his girlfriend to shut up at dinner, and abandons the guy he trained right before that guy’s biggest fight of life! He’s also a hothead who gets into a fight, kills a guy, goes to prison, gets out of prison, gets into another fight, and then moves away from his girlfriend because he’s a pouty-assed baby. Meet B.J. Quinn, our hero! Continue reading “American Kickboxer (1991)”

Belly of the Beast (2003)

How did I know that Steven Seagal‘s Jake Hopper is the most coolly professional of all ex-CIA kick fu bad asses infesting Thailand? Was it because when he was informed that his daughter was kidnapped that his trademark catatonic squint never even wavered or threatened to slip into an indifferent squint? Was it because when his old friend betrayed him and was about kill him, Seagal’s response was “you’re just a trailer park bitch.”

Or maybe it was that when he was arrested after killing half of Thailand at a shoot out in a train yard, he resisted arrest by beating up the entire police station. But it also certainly could have been when he killed his old buddy after debating whether to kill him with his partner and Seagal practically yawned saying “he sealed his own fate” and then used every ounce of energy in his mountainous torso to almost shrug. Continue reading “Belly of the Beast (2003)”

Deadly Bet (1992)

Deadly Bet merely confirms what I’ve long thought about addictions and the way the various experts preach to address them – that it’s all micromanaged bunk! The various fill-in-the-blank Anonymous cults over complicate things with all their “steps”, meetings, talking, sponsors, prayers and sign in sheets. Fudge, I need a drink and a tub of ice cream just to take the edge off the stress thinking about all those requirements! I had less trouble getting into law school than that!

Jeff Wincott‘s down on his luck martial arts expert Angelo though knows the real score on how to lick all those demons that have kept him in Las Vegas, cost him the love of his life, and put him into debt with a ruthless loan shark! Training montage! Continue reading “Deadly Bet (1992)”

Outside the Law (2002)

Fear not fans of Michael Dudikoff or Jeff Speakman! Just because this matrial arts mayhem epic stars Cynthia Rothrock does’t mean she spends her time picking out pretty window treatments for her dojo or battling an evil nail salon owner! Sure she does her hair from an unflattering black to eye-gouging hideous orange, but it’s not some fashion don’t, but an attempt to evade the shadowy government agents who are after her! Continue reading “Outside the Law (2002)”