Hundreds of years from now Earth has been devastated by an atomic war! Mutant cavemen roam the planet’s surface at will, enslaving the survivors still living in the open, while technologically advanced humans cower underground!
Even worse, a gang of toughs appear, call out the underground dwellers for being the pussies they are, steal their surprisingly sexy broads, and force the pansy men to build weapons for them! Then these toughs take their keg party up top and blast the piss out of the cavemen before the head bad boy kills the leader of the cavemen, thus cementing his position as King Bad Ass!
Just who are these macho monsters of mayhem that they can do what they want when they want? Are they hundreds of superpowered cyborgs from a distant star system? An army of genetically enhanced battle machines from a secret government lab in the Arctic? Or maybe, they’re the merciless biker gang from the wastelands that fight death matches in gigantic steel domes where only one man walks out alive! I guess they could be any of those groups. Except that I said this was a gang of TOUGHS!
That’s right, pardner! This cabal of cocksure carnage is the very best that this or any other world has to offer! Astronauts! Or should I say Kick Ass-tronauts!
This was back when being an astronaut meant you hit the alien planet wearing your bomber jacket and six shooter! Back when you and your crew would roll into a hopeless situation having lost everything that ever mattered to you with no chance of making it through the night and no way home, but you still laid into those giant rubber spiders in the cave like they were freaking pinatas!
And it didn’t matter if the one guy on the crew who should’ve known better referred to spiders stinging people when even a one-eyed Neanderthal knows that spiders only bite! Bug science is for sissies anyway!
But how was it that four guys ended up on a future Earth and were forced to show all the wimps and savages a little of what we handed out to the Axis not that many years before the launch of their spaceship?
In one of those strange space-time anomalies that only can occur in low budget science fiction movies that show the ship’s speedometer pushed to the limit while out in space all sorts of crazy waves and lights are going off, these guys run smack dab into Einstein’s Theory of Special Relativity and discover that even though they haven’t aged a bit when they crash land on the planet, some 500 years has passed on Earth!
I’ll tell you what, when I heard that, I nodded my head and said, “yep, that’s some serious time dilation, boys.” The very next thought I had was “better watch out for giant rubber spiders!”
There’s a little bit of whining from one of the guys about how he wants to go back home to the past because of his wife and kids, but by the end of the movie this guy has become a teacher of some future kids and is hanging around sexy future dames, so who’s got time to sweat some lame 1950s family? Besides, if he really wants to, he can just look up their graves, right?
After beating back the dog-sized spiders, our group encounters the savages that roam the surface and seek refuge in a cave. There, they discover the underground race of men, though that’s using the word “men” rather loosely.
These pansies wear silk pajamas and shower caps on their heads, refuse to do anything about reclaiming the surface world from the savages and won’t even provide any help to our group of heroic hellraisers! Whatever. Do what you want, wusses. We’re taking your hot women though!
Despite the men being a bunch of dried up old eunuchs, all their women are young, dressed in cocktail dresses and heels, and are pretty much stacked so that a guy doesn’t really mind that his cruddy old life from 500 years ago is gone forever!
And when you got guys like Hugh Marlowe (Earth vs. The Flying Saucers) and Rod Taylor (The Time Machine, The Birds) in the crew chasing your broads around the cave, if you’re wearing a shower cap, you better start getting used to the idea of cuddling up with a nice fuzzy giant spider!
But one future wimpy guy is jealous! I guess we should give him a little credit for having the balls to actually try to frame the astronauts for murder in order to have another shot with one of the gals, but whacking a woman who was an eyewitness to it and not making sure she was dead just reeks of amateurishness.
As two-fisted tough guy astronauts are prone to do, our heroes have some crazy plan to reclaim the surface world from the savages. Proving that much of the time huge amounts of enthusiasm can make up for all sorts of stupidity, the plan involves a homemade bazooka and Hugh Marlowe fighting the king of the savages with only a knife and a hatchet!
How much casual machismo does Hugh have? Right before the big fight, he observes that he’ll have an advantage since the caveman only had one eye and thus won’t have any depth perception! Hey, we didn’t land on the moon by being nice guys!
At a brisk 80 minutes, World Without End easily keeps you entertained with its over-the-top action (Two giant rubber spiders? Most movies of this ilk only give you one!) and the way our heroes constantly prove how cool they are while constantly commenting on what crudbums everyone else in the future is!
You’ve got to admire that 1950s can-do attitude of world building our boys bring to things. A few months after defeating the head savage, they’re in command of building a surface society and observing a bunch of formally wimpy kids beating up on a native boy and beaming about how the kids weren’t listless fruits anymore! In the future, NASA will stand for North American Stud Association!
© 2015 MonsterHunter