Cyborg 009: Legend of the Super Galaxy (1980)

From the four corners of the world, eight cyborgs leave their current civilian lives, putting their dreams of being a race car driver, ballerina, and bull fighter on hold so that they might help one of their own and also to save Earth!

Once they join forces, the greatest super team of all team is back in action! Yes true believer, your suspicions are well-founded! The dream is alive and well! Finally after twenty-five years, the Galaxy Legion has reunited to combat evil, to cast light upon the dark, and to find out how 006’s career as a matador is working out!

When I heard that the Galaxy Legion had come out of retirement, I was crazed by giddy anticipation! Then, like some sort of super galaxy, it hit me! I had never heard of the Galaxy Legion and had no idea who the hell they were!

Once this dopey Galaxy Legion is reformed, everyone stands around talking until some little alien kid shows up and crybabies about how his daddy got his ass whupped by this intergalactic baddie named Zoa.

The Galaxy Legion decides that now that they have all the plot information they need, they can hop in the Galaxy Legionmobile and fly off for some long, drawn-out space hi-jinks.

The alien kid clues them in on some crazy contraption named a stargate that can act as a short cut across the vast distances of deep space. I was searching for my own stargate about this time, one that would transport me vast distances from this movie.

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After they hit the stargate, the Galaxy Legionmobile starts having mechanical problems and all of us are rolling our eyes at Cyborg 005 since he was the guy who was supposed to get the Galaxy Legionmobile to the shop and have the hydrocrystals replaced every 75,000 parsecs.

Luckily, there’s a planet nearby that looks like it’s got breathable air (though I could have sworn I saw some of these cyborgs floating around in space without any helmets on, so what does it matter?) and some hydrocrystals.

Saving the universe gets put on hold, so that they can pit the Legionmobile and get some new crystals, but they run into a little drama on this planet. Everyone has fallen into barbarism because their precious little princess is being held captive inside a hydrocrystal (they’re for more than turbo charging your rig!) and they don’t have any jobs, so what is there to do but run around and menace outer space visitors?

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You don’t think something as sissy as a Galaxy Legion is going to be passing up the opportunity to rescue a princess who’s imprisoned in a crystal do you?

She sends them a Princess Leia hologram message letting the Galaxy Legion know that if they happen to try and rescue her, they can find her in a necklace worn by a gigantic robot! Next thing you know, one of the cyborgs is dumping a bomb inside this thing’s mouth and we’re putting together the destroyed giant’s earrings to free the princess from her crystal prison. Uh, why was this giant robot wearing earrings? Was he trying out for the Galaxy Legion or something?

Since everyone helped save her, she immediately starts putting the moves on Joe which is probably Cyborg 009’s code name. She asks Joe to stay behind and help rebuild her world and that he should start with her bedroom!

You’ve known this guy for like five minutes and this is your first real conversation with him and you’re already trying to get him to commit? Doesn’t she know that a member of the Galaxy Legion’s first love is to sail the starways in search of adventure? Well, first love after being a race car driver, ballerina, and rodeo clown, that is, but you know what I’m saying.

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Girl Cyborg (I think she was 002), who also loves Joe, shows up around this time and is upset, but Joe turns the Princess down and then Zoa attacks and kills the princess. You can tell that Girl Cyborg is kind of like “awww, shoot. What a bad break. Guess we should get back to the ship and start forgetting her.” No one else really cares either and they go off in pursuit of Zoa.

Joe actually has a chance to bring her back to life at the end of the movie and doesn’t, proving once again that a cyborg’s logic circuits are infallible!

Cyborg 009 is a technical marvel of apathic animation, marred by jerky animation, ugly and simple drawings, and an unimaginative use of light effects to “enhance” various outer space scenes. Its obvious cheapness never fails to rise above off-putting.

The artisic shortcomings are abetted by the assembly line save-the-galaxy-from-some-evil-turd story making this a Japanese cartoon that will no doubt disappoint real anime fans and will utterly fail to win over non-anime fans. After viewing this, my bowels and stomach starting acting up and my head started to ache. Can you say “Galaxy Legionnaires’ Disease”?

© 2016 MonsterHunter

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