Like Jane and the Lost City, this is another bottom of the barrel Indiana Jones rip-off based on a comic-strip featuring a heroine who gets into all kinds of outlandish and semi-nude situations. And while Jane and her PG rating never even tried to get naughty, Gwendoline actually attempts to deliver the dirty goods! And of course fails woefully. Continue reading “The Perils of Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik Yak (1984)”
Category: 1980s
Food of the Gods II (1989)
Oh Dean White! Because of your hubris, the Synchronized Swimming Championship was ruined by giant man-eating rats! It goes without saying that I immediately filled out my college application to attend the Dean’s Hamelin University. (The name of the school was never mentioned, but the championship was being held at the eye-rollingly named Hamelin Olympic Athletic Facility.)
And if you’re wondering, “do I have sit through a lot talking and scientific mumbo jumbo before I get to the spectacular synchronized swimming climax,” Food of the Gods II knows that their audience is by definition people who loved seeing Marjoe Gortner blasting big ass rats in the original Food of the Gods and so delivers a steady stream of people getting chewed up in gory fashion by big ass rats. They even throw in an overgrown little kid who swears! (You clean that potty mouth up young man or you’re going straight to bed without eating your Food of the Gods!) Continue reading “Food of the Gods II (1989)”
Curse IV: The Ultimate Sacrifice (1988)
When you find out that Catacombs sat unreleased for a couple of years before someone retitled it Curse IV: The Ultimate Sacrifice, you can’t help but wonder what sort of theatrical tragedy is heinous enough that it was thought the film could be enhanced by pretending it was the third sequel in a movie series that was marked at once by both its obscurity and its progressively worse unrelated tales of killer meteors, radioactive snakes and African witch doctors.
And as soon as you realize it’s the sort of movie where Salami (Timothy Van Patten) from The White Shadow plays a priest battling a demon in the basement of an abbey, you quickly understand everything, and thank whatever benevolent god you choose to worship that Satan was never allowed to release a Curse V: The Really Final Ultimate Sacrifice. Continue reading “Curse IV: The Ultimate Sacrifice (1988)”
Curse II: The Bite (1989)
Vacations are a funny thing. Depending on the circumstances they can go from awesome to disaster and back again with little warning. For example, when I was a kid in Chicago, my parents threatened each other with divorce while we stayed in some flea bag motel, but then my sister had to ruin all those good vibes when she threw a tantrum at the Field Museum.
Likewise, for Lisa (Jill Schoelen only two years removed from The Stepfather and her greatest success) there are break ups and screaming that mark her cross country holiday with her boyfriend Clark (soap opera legend J. Eddie Peck). Of course those involve Clark mutating into a snake, eating her pet birds, and worst of all, going on a murderous rampage and not killing Jamie Farr’s character. Continue reading “Curse II: The Bite (1989)”
The Curse (1987)
Something is terribly wrong with the cabbage! And the tomatoes have gone freaking postal! As if Frances didn’t face enough horror in the bedroom when Claude Akins rebuffs her advances thus sending her into the hideously hirsute arms of the local handyman, now she can’t even make a salad without being infected with an extraterrestrial element that turns her into a pus-oozing demon!
How in the world is she going to save the family farm and help heal the rift between her son Zack and his hyper-religious step-father while she’s so crazy she starts to sew her own hand? That’s easy! She’s going to disintegrate into a tarry black pool of bio-ick while Zack runs “you’re not my real dad!” Nathan through with a pitchfork as the entire house is collapsing around all of them! This is my favorite evil crashed meteor ever! Continue reading “The Curse (1987)”
Rats: Night of Terror (1984)
The year is 225 A.B. The A.B. stands for “after the bomb” and the world is a different place than the ones we’re used to in Italian gore movies. Gone are the cities infested by zombies, gone are the grottos infested by vampires, gone are the oceans infested by various Jaws rip offs. All that remains are buildings infested with rats!
But not just any rats mind you, but rats that look suspiciously like guinea pigs with a nice bronzer applied. It’s all because of the radiation and the accompanying mutation you understand. It makes you wonder what guinea pigs look like in this new world! Continue reading “Rats: Night of Terror (1984)”
Hell of the Living Dead (1980)
The usual take on this film is that the story rips off Dawn Of The Dead, the music is ripped off from Dawn Of The Dead, Beyond The Darkness, and whatever other scores Goblin did for different Italian gore movies, and that the result is one of the most bottom of the barrel zombie movies of all time. To which I say,”thank God!” Continue reading “Hell of the Living Dead (1980)”