Category: Cannon Films

American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993)

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I only ask for three things in my post-apcolypse movies about cyborgs. One is that the cyborg should be almost invincible. It’s important because over the course of 90 or so minutes, our heroes must be able to constantly battle and inflict all sorts of escalating damage on the machine.

The movie isn’t exactly going to be to a post-apocalyptic orgy of exciting violence if the cyborg craps out when some guy cuts off its hand or pulls its eye out. We can’t be standing around at the repair shop while our cyborg is up on blocks getting a new transmission put in when we could be out getting harassed by cannibalistic mutants, can we? Continue reading “American Cyborg: Steel Warrior (1993)” →

The Final Executioner (1984)

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It’s another Italian stock footage apocalypse! Culled from the most routine of public domain clips of black and white mushroom clouds, model cities getting blown away, and most inexplicably of all, erupting volcanoes and bright red lava flows, the beginning of The Final Executioner not only marks the end of the world as we know it, but also the most professional part of the film, too!

Thank god! Just bring on the narrator for 20 seconds of exposition explaining the crazy illogical world that rose from the ashes so that we can get on with watching the stud decked out in black leather and white scarf bad assing around the wasteland just like was promised on the poster! Continue reading “The Final Executioner (1984)” →

To the Death (1992)

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Flawed kickboxing champ BJ Quinn has cleaned up his life and ironed out a lot of the character deficiencies he proudly displayed in American Kickboxer. He’s quit drinking, settled down and married his girlfriend, and is finally retiring from the sport and the violence that has been his life!

He’s even taken a stand against profanity, responding to his rival calling him an unflattering twelve letter word with “you shut your foul mouth and you hit the road! Look, I don’t need this shit!” Exactly B.J.! Guys like us living a straight edge, no profanity life don’t need some asshole polluting our gentlemanly air! That’s total bullshit! Continue reading “To the Death (1992)” →

American Kickboxer (1991)

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He is the kickboxing middleweight champion of the world. He’s not above using an elbow during a match and acting like a jackass between rounds by sreeching his trademark banshee cry. He’s got a potty mouth, a drinking problem, is a jealous turd who tells his girlfriend to shut up at dinner, and abandons the guy he trained right before that guy’s biggest fight of life! He’s also a hothead who gets into a fight, kills a guy, goes to prison, gets out of prison, gets into another fight, and then moves away from his girlfriend because he’s a pouty-assed baby. Meet B.J. Quinn, our hero! Continue reading “American Kickboxer (1991)” →

Roots of Evil (1992)

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A degenerate (and really sweaty!) creep with a mother fixation is stalking and slashing the working girls of the City of Angels! And only one grizzled cop, haunted by his past, but having a soft spot for sexy sex workers can make the streets safe again for six inch heels and tube tops, earning him the everlasting admiration of whores and johns alike!

But can he overcome his demons and the shocking truth of who the sleazy serial killer is or will the hookers on the Strip have to permanently trade in their their bustiers for the special steel threaded top he gives to the hooker he uses as bait to lure the killer out of hiding? All of us horny dudes, except for the geeks at Renaissance fairs who don’t mind their wenches dressed in chain mail armor, are certainly rooting for Detective Jake! Continue reading “Roots of Evil (1992)” →

Crack House (1989)

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This movie really gave me pause about the wisdom of my daughter’s goal to be a crack house whore when she grows up. There’s of course the beatings and belt whippings that Jim Brown’s Steadman character administers, the hot showers he forces you to take because nobody likes a stinky ass crack house whore, and the gang bang from Steadman’s crew that awaits you once Steadman tires of brutalizing you. All of that though is pretty much what you’re signing up for, right? And besides, you’re getting all the narcotics you can use, so it’s not like you’re doing it for free. Continue reading “Crack House (1989)” →

Wartime (1987)

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Wartime VHS CoverFollowing the collapse of the cannibals and barbarian film genres in the early 1980s, director Umberto Lenzi took a brief detour before finishing off the decade with a bounty of no less than six cheap and cheesy horror movies. A detour right into the heart of war-torn Yugoslavia!

Was Umberto documenting the ethnic cleansing that wracked the region following the fall of the Soviet empire? Was he leading a campaign of underemployed Italian exploitation movie directors to provide aid and comfort to displaced refugees by holding charity screenings of Nightmare City and Eaten Alive?

Are you nuts? Who cares about that war? I’m talking about a real war! World War II! The one where a handful of Johnny Yanks could take on the entire German army and carry out impossible suicide missions on an almost weekly basis! Continue reading “Wartime (1987)” →