I only ask for three things in my post-apcolypse movies about cyborgs. One is that the cyborg should be almost invincible. It’s important because over the course of 90 or so minutes, our heroes must be able to constantly battle and inflict all sorts of escalating damage on the machine.
The movie isn’t exactly going to be to a post-apocalyptic orgy of exciting violence if the cyborg craps out when some guy cuts off its hand or pulls its eye out. We can’t be standing around at the repair shop while our cyborg is up on blocks getting a new transmission put in when we could be out getting harassed by cannibalistic mutants, can we?
You also are going to need a woman who is on the run from the cyborg. It’s okay if she has a male companion to help out, but she’s the key. She’s going to have be able to take a punch and some kicks, but also still look good in her spandex and boots!
A really good movie will demonstrate the importance of her physical beauty by having her be the last fertile female, too! What sort of movie would it be if the last chick that can get knocked up turned out to be some homely crone? Humanity needs to have some hope! Just because civilzation has collapsed doesn’t mean all our standards go out the window!
And of course the most obvious thing that all great movies about sterile humans cowering under evil cyborg rule requires is a fetus in a tube! I’m always amazed at how so many otherwise great post-apcolypse films manage to overlook this element! Sure, they can get most of it right by featuring raping mutants (The Terror Within) and diobolical hand puppets and roller skating nuns (Roller Blade), but it’s all so much World War III posing and posturing if you don’t roll out the little dude suspended in the capsule of artificial amneotic fluid!
American Cyborg Steel Warrior knows this and builds its entire story around one of these plastic dolls with an umbilical cord sticking out of it. The film doles out the fetus moments most judiciously, giving us a glimpse every so often just to remind us that the little guy is still in the backpack that his mom is carrying around before going whole hog in the final scenes when he and his capsule are flying through the air and floating around in the ocean while cyborgs battle over who gets to take possession of him!
By the time the timer on his capsule is flashing all zeros and he’s getting hooked up to an artificial womb on a boat, I was getting stretchered out of my apartment from nervous exhuastion! Come on tiny man, live! Move your itty bitty arms! Wink at me! Just give me something so I can get on with living the rest of my life!
The movie also delivers exactly the kind of cyborg we crave in these types of features! A blonde stud decked out all in leather, including pants so tight, you know the cyborg is anatomically correct? Is this the end of the world or Friday night at my favorite club?
And for those of you that like your men a little less rough and a little more pretty, Austin (the late Joe Lara of Hologram Man and Steel Frontier), proves yet again that just because society is circling the toilet bowl, doesn’t mean you have to neglect proper hair care.
Real men with a healthy appreciation for cyborg daddys will obviously gravitate toward the robotic leather god, but women who like their romance novels with covers of guys with nice cheekbones and mammoth manes will rightfully soak themselves over Austin, especially considering the reveleation that torment’s Austin’s very handsome and sensistive soul toward the end of the film!
All the talk about cyborgs, fetuses, hunks of every conceivable stripe, and fertile honeys would be nothing more than a hot breeze whistling between your aching loins if the movie didn’t handle its meat and potatoes convincingly as well. As you all know, it comes down to one question: does the movie deliver enough violence to desensitize even an entire second grade class of obese, hyperactive boys raised on hardcore rap and nihilistic atheist liberal ideology? American Cyborg Steel Warrior has two answers for you: fudge and yeah!
Highlights include the cyborg snapping a neck, blowing up sewer rats and whacking poor old Austin with a pipe! Not to mention when he drills Austin in the ear with his finger drill! And when he rips Austin’s arm clean off! But then again, the cyborg gets stuff dropped on his head, dumped down a deep shaft, fingers chopped off, eye ripped out, throat cut, impaled on a spike, and guts pulled out! And that’s not even counting all the fighting, shooting, running, jumping, and swinging from ropes that goes on!
This second-to-last movie release by Cannnon Films with one of the manliest titles of all time, exceeds everything you ever prayed for when you’re down on your knees at night asking the Good Lord Above to deliver us to a world where studs war across the rubble of a ruined world for possession of lab-fresh fetus in a can!
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