Category: Science Fiction

Split Second (1992)

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Split Second PosterThe only Rutger Hauer movie to ever win the Nobel Peace Prize, Split Second serves as a wake up call to a sleepy and apparently really dirty Earth that we must change our ways! Rutger gives all the evidence the once over and shows us that global warming is no myth and the consequences are positively dire!

I know there’s been a lot of talk about climate change from whiny Third World countries and fat has-been liberal politicians who fly on private jets and own three mansions while telling me to use one square of toilet paper to do my business, but where the hell were they back in 1992 when Split Second and Rutger were all over the issue? Continue reading “Split Second (1992)” →

Tobor the Great (1954)

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Tobor the Great PosterMy first clue should have been the title. I don’t mean the part about this dude being called Tobor and that it is “robot” spelled backwards. The goofy old fart scientist that invented Tobor tells a bunch of reporters that he named it like that on purpose. I mean the part about this robot being called Tobor the Great. That should have tipped me off that I was dealing with a children’s movie right away. Continue reading “Tobor the Great (1954)” →

The New Barbarians (1983)

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You can tell by checking out the crotch of the guy running around shooting and/or stabbing people whether your world has slipped into barbarism or not. If he’s just got some jeans on, you’re okay. He’s probably just some disenfranchised loner who hates women or the federal government. But if he’s wearing leather pants or worse, spandex drawers, with a codpiece attached to the outside of them, then you’ve gone and slipped into a world gone mad where the most prized possession is a fertile woman and the only rule is survival! Continue reading “The New Barbarians (1983)” →

The Curse (1987)

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Something is terribly wrong with the cabbage! And the tomatoes have gone freaking postal! As if Frances didn’t face enough horror in the bedroom when Claude Akins rebuffs her advances thus sending her into the hideously hirsute arms of the local handyman, now she can’t even make a salad without being infected with an extraterrestrial element that turns her into a pus-oozing demon!

How in the world is she going to save the family farm and help heal the rift between her son Zack and his hyper-religious step-father while she’s so crazy she starts to sew her own hand? That’s easy! She’s going to disintegrate into a tarry black pool of bio-ick while Zack runs “you’re not my real dad!” Nathan through with a pitchfork as the entire house is collapsing around all of them! This is my favorite evil crashed meteor ever! Continue reading “The Curse (1987)” →

Monster on the Campus (1958)

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This movie about a big, dead, smelly fish has the kind of pedigree that would make you think it was one of those big, dead, smelly fish movies from the 1950s that was really good. Jack Arnold (The Incredible Shrinking Man) directed from a script by Daniel Duncan who also scripted The Time Machine. And Joanna Moore is the female lead. She was Tatum O’Neal’s mother!

Instead of an interesting rampaging monster epic though, you have a movie hampered by its silly premise. Even worse, the monster hardly rampaged at all, making only a few off screen appearances until the very end when a guy in caveman make up starting running around the woods, chucking axes at park rangers and causing pretty gals to faint dead away. Continue reading “Monster on the Campus (1958)” →

Frankenstein’s Daughter (1958)

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This updating of the Frankenstein story to 1958 sensibilities means that you’ve got long-in-the-tooth actors playing people in their late teens and monsters running around in bathing suits.

Johnny and Trudy are a couple of cool cats who are in love and are going to be married once Johnny gets that promotion to assistant manager. The snafu (other than her husband-to-be’s limited goals in life and his Frankie Avalon hair) is that she keeps having nightmares that she’s a monster that prowls the city streets in a blue negligee. The movie’s in black and white, so I’ll have to take Trudy’s word for it that it was blue. Continue reading “Frankenstein’s Daughter (1958)” →

Rats: Night of Terror (1984)

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The year is 225 A.B. The A.B. stands for “after the bomb” and the world is a different place than the ones we’re used to in Italian gore movies. Gone are the cities infested by zombies, gone are the grottos infested by vampires, gone are the oceans infested by various Jaws rip offs. All that remains are buildings infested with rats!

But not just any rats mind you, but rats that look suspiciously like guinea pigs with a nice bronzer applied. It’s all because of the radiation and the accompanying mutation you understand. It makes you wonder what guinea pigs look like in this new world! Continue reading “Rats: Night of Terror (1984)” →